FamilyGuyGuy's Sacred Cow BBQ/Whac-A-Mole 2000-11. - FamilyGuyGuy7 Blog - www.GameInformer.com
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FamilyGuyGuy's Sacred Cow BBQ/Whac-A-Mole 2000-11.

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I'm back, and with a vengeance!  I was racking my brain for about a month now and finally it hit me; 'Why not do my own version of my favorite Game Informer article?'  So, now I'm here to knock your favorite recent games down a peg or two because frankly, they deserve it, and for your enjoyment (and show off some of my Photoshopping skills).  Here it is: FamilyGuyGuy's Sacred Cow BBQ/Whac-A-Mole 2000-11.

 

 

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RED DEAD REDEMPTION

Rockstar took a huge leap backwards with this one after Grand Theft Auto IV.  Don’t agree?  The setting gets launched from Bizarro-New York to the Old West.  We went from Grand Theft Auto to Grand Theft Equine!  It’s called an automobile people, it’s much faster than a horse!

Grand Theft Auto continually (and somewhat repetitively) push hot buttons in society in their games, but in Red Dead the issues and hot buttons of 1911 have all but cooled to a lukewarm state.  John gets credited for being fresh in the world of entertainment, despite being the love-child of John Wayne-in-every-western-he-was-in and Clint Eastwood's Man with No Name.  The game apparently takes place in a section of America where the tree filled, green pastured Midwest meets dry dusty Texas and then Mexico, all only a scenic ride away...by horse. 

At its core, Red Dead Redemption takes everything fun from GTA IV, such as driving around a big, lively city, partaking in several unique diversions and extra modes, and (you know you enjoyed doing it too) picking up hookers and then killing them to get your money back.  However, after taking those aspects of GTA IV, Red Dead throws them out the window.  Now, you gallop on a horse for four hours across a dreary and uninhabited wasteland to get from place to place.  To make some money, you walk around with a dog all night looking out for intruders, or go out to drive cattle with some chick you met a day ago.  And now morals get thrown into a Rockstar game (:O) because married John Marston refuses to even look at hookers, but at least you can hogtie them like a rodeo clown…sign me up. 

 

 

MASS EFFECT

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Choose your own adventure books got old when I was seven because I got sick of going all over the book in order to read it (although I could truthfully say I’d read the book cover to cover in less than five minutes).  Mass Effect took this to a galactic scale by making me go on a wild goose chase all across the universe in order to either kill a guy or make him be my BFF.  In reality, the main campaign is only about 45 minutes long, with all story missions done end to end and removing any boring parts like flying in my space ship (but not being able to actually fly it) and talking with green chicks that “just wanna talk right now.”  Everything else is just driving around on the same planets doing the same repetitive tasks and shooting the same enemies over and over.

The plot and visuals are also as fresh as a krogan’s foot.  Space marine John Shephard is the only human who can stop humanity from a dangerous force trying to resurrect ancient bad guys who committed genocide on ancient good guys, but not before the ancient good guys left a lot of their super advanced technology behind in a totally cryptic and mysterious way.  Now where have I heard that before…?

No matter how you play the game (BioWare’s way) your Shephard is constantly talking to people.  At choice places in the conversation, you’re given the option to either be a passive aggressive negotiator or an aggressive aggressive negotiator.  The choice is yours, but it doesn’t make a difference because it gets you to the same place…more talking.

Mass Effect also raised the stakes by allowing your character to be transferred over into the sequel.  Oh boy!  Now I can subject my virtual space marine to twice as many of the same tasks in slightly upgraded graphics while I talk to Martin Sheen!...actually talking to Martin Sheen might be pretty cool.

 

 

CALL OF DUTY:

Nothing tops a game that allows you to sadistically be beaten like Rihanna at Chris Brown’s birthday party.  Nothing says warfare like people hiding in the corner with a shotgun and a sniper rifle and every perk imaginable because they boosted their way up to the tenth prestige.  Nothing screams game of the year like being killed by a 13-year-old kid with a lag switch and a shaky understanding of a select few curse words.  The fact that this game is the best-selling of all time comforts me in the fact that everyone else in the world is being noob-tubed by a *** who’s yelling that word he heard on the bus over Xbox Live.  And if you die in the game, you die a little in real life.

This game is one of the most broken games this generation, with guns that are overpowered, games where you can’t connect or worse you lag like iPhone 4’s video chat, and people who exploit the game with cheap tactics like using aiming and shooting mods, camp, or use glitches like turn themselves into suicide bombers with the Javelin.  This makes the game unplayable for weeks at a time until Infinity Ward can churn out a patch to make the glitch impossible, only for another glitch to come up the very next day. 

The game brings competition to a whole new level with everyone vying to be ranked the best.  As a result, every game you get put in, you’re likely to be playing against at least 3 level 70 tenth Prestiges, who have every weapon and every perk.  Screw that, I’m going to go play some Cracked Ops

 

 

ASSASSIN'S CREED 2

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It’s a rare sight to see a historical, educational game sell so well.  It’s also a rare sight to see grown men jumping off of 200+ foot buildings into a pile of hay or leaves and survive.

I’m going to drop a bombshell on you:  EVERYTHING IN ASSASSIN’S CREED 2 ACTUALLY HAPPENED.  That’s right.  100% totally accurate.  That means the Catholic faith was plagued with corruption, the pope was actually the leader of an organization hell-bent on enslaving the population, and every religion and sacred work of art is based off of some silly alien people and their technology.  Yep and what’s more is that the reason Ubisoft made this game is to offer it as a corollary to today.  So everyone’s overreaction to how Ubisoft portrayed religion in the game is totally to be expected, and the Assassins and Templars are still going at it today. 

And I’m not pointing any fingers, but some people went and predicted the world would end in 2012, when this game takes place.  And I’m not implying anything, but one 100% accurate video game predicts that there will be a huge catastrophe around that time…think about it.

 

 

FABLE III

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Peter Molyneux is to video games what Rex Ryan is to football; constantly talking up his products to the industry while most of the time they’re mediocre at best.  Simple things that fans clamor for each and every year get chosen on a whim, with many things that would make the game better being thrown out in favor of a system of doing everything in the most Rube Goldberg way possible.  I’d be okay with that if it weren’t for the fact that every feature in every game he boasts about is delayed for two years after he starts.  That of course means two years of not shutting up and in the end we get confusing and convoluted game that’s as unplayable as Mark Sanchez. 

Case in point: In Fable II, it was easier to get lost in the menu system than in the game, mainly due to the gold fairy things that directed you wherever you needed to go.  Combat was also tricky with a difficult camera and targeting system.  In Fable III, we were basically given a baby-proofed version of Fable III, where the game basically does everything for you, including the walking.  On the plus side, it’s everything we wanted in the first Fable game.

 

 

KINECT

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I’ll admit Kinect is a pretty solid idea, bringing many concepts of what we perceive the future will be into one device.  We’re now able to have video-phone like conversations, we can give wireless and motion-based commands to a powerful computer, and, for now, it’s totally non-sentient.  However, for the time being, it would be best for this concept to remain in the future.   

Kinect is at that awkward phase in a new console’s life where no one really knows how it’s going to turn out, and no one really wants to imagine what third party companies are going to bring to the table.  Will it be like the Wii, with its library oversaturated with gimmicky titles?  Or will it be more like the good 5% of Wii games that use the hardware in a clever and innovative way?  For the time being, keep your eyes peeled…

 

Thanks to everyone who got the joke, everyone else (trolls) feel free to rant in the comments.

Did I miss a game?  Probably not, but if you think so, comment below.


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