Hello, dear noob, let's begin my humble (not so much) guide. First, I will tell you which essential tools you will need to play the game:

1. A brain. 

We all know you need it to do things, including playing games, but in case you lost yours during watching Jersey Shore, we sell good items (including body parts) in the Mann Co. store.

2. A bloody HAT. This is the most important part, you noob, a HAT, you're not considered a man in TF2 if you don't have it, but worry not, you will be able to win the Ghastly Gibus ( a hat ) during a fight, or, if you will be lucky enough, the drop system awards you with a fancy peace of head gear.

3. A PC/PS3/Xbox 360. I don't think you need to be told about this one, since we're on a gaming site. The PS3/360 version and the PC versions are different. If you want new weapons, constant updates and community, buy the PC version, if you don't care for all this gibberish, go with the PS3/360 version.

Now, let me teach you the rules of this game.

1. TF2 has 9 classes, it'll be too lengthy to explain each one, so go to this site to view all of the classes, what they do and how they work, and choose one class that appeals to you the most.

Note: TF2 has 9 classes, and you can choose your favorite one, but all of the classes are SO fun to play! Also, sometimes you will need to choose a class that helps your team to win and best applies to the team's position.

2. Teamwork. There's no ''I'' in Team Fortress 2. You need to work with your team to complete the objective, this game is more fun with your team, you need to build a strategy in order to win. Only a team can get through a barrage of sentries when 1 player will be killed in a second.

Note: if you're a solo player, it's ok, but going from my own experience, teamwork makes this game more fun, I mean, what's fun in running around shooting guys alone? What is this, CoD?

3. Have fun. This game is INCREDIBLY fun, and original, the unique style, humor, the setting of the game is what makes it different from recent shooters, and that is what makes it the BEST shooter for me personally. It's not hard to have fun in this game, you will become addicted to, you will not stop!

Now let me get you familiar with certain stuff in this game:

1. The Mann Co Store. In this online virtual store, you can buy all kinds of clothes and weapons for your character. The items found in the store are very different from the previous one, you can buy hats (!), boots, scarfs, hats, gloves, frying pans, and awesome weapons.

2. Drop System. The drop system is what got me the 50 items I now hae in this wonderful game. Just imagine, you're running around, killing enemies, and BAM, you just FIND an item you could otherwise buy, or craft! Isn't it awesome? BUT, I should say that the drop system is different to everyone, it can be exceedingly generous, or it can be greedy, so don't be surprised if you don't find tons of items.

3. Crafting. You can CRAFT items in TF2, there are different items needed for crafting, Scrap Metal is required to get Refined Metal, and a needed number of Refined Metal crafts you an item yu could otherwise buy or find. So it goes like this: Scrap Metal>Refined Metal> Item. Got it? Awesome.

4.Spycrab. The Spycrab is an endangerd species in TF2. If you see a Spy walking weirdly like a crab across the map, notice how nobody kills him, because killing a Spycrab is a SERIOUS sin, GOT IT? THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!

And the last thing you need to know, TF2 IS NOT just an online shooter, it has a deep story, each class you can play has background! Now let me explain to you the main story: There are 2 organizations that fight each other to controle the world: RED ( Reliable Excavations and Demolitions) (the players for this company are colored red) and BLU (Builders League United) (players for this company are dressed in blue). Now, these companies don't show that they're global companies trying to controle the world, they work undercover, and they disguise their buildings with cows, and other stuff that will make everyone think that they are just a normal company. 

These companies try to destroy each other by capturing points, blowing the enemy's base up, or stealing intelligence with important information.

Also, the story actually grows and becomes more detailed in the TF2 comics, found on this site.

Well, that is all you need to know! Choose your team, and have fun, gun, and hat!