Names are important when it comes to video games. Good ones manage to convey a sense of what to expect without giving away what’s actually coming. Take “Dead Space” for example. Clearly, it’s a game in space, and with such a word like “Dead” in the title, right away you know it’s going to be some sort of horrific endeavor for survival. But...then there are games with rather misleading titles. They’re the sort of game that lead you to believe one thing, while delivering something else entirely. Seeing as I am royalty, I’ve taken it up to rename some of these games with more appropriate titles. And seeing as I am a gracious ruler, I will give you my reasons as to why my names are better. See how I spoil you all?

I’m so awesome.

Joking aside, do let me know what you think :D

“Amnesia: The Dark Descent” to “Heavy Breathing Simulator: The Frightening”

In truth, it’s not a terribly bad title. But it’s far too straightforward and, let’s be honest, a little boring. Besides, it doesn’t even focus on this game’s main attraction, if you think about it. The fact of the matter is, Amnesia is known for it’s crazy atmospherics and sound effects, none of which are more significant than Daniel’s heavy breathing. Jog a few paces and he’ll start up like he’s run a marathon. See something frightening and suddenly you’re playing as a petite Asian school girl. This game is more about hearing a grown man suck up enough oxygen to run a Bugatti than it is about those ugly monsters (seriously, ever heard of a face lift??).

“Battlefield 3”, “Call of Duty” or any other military shooter you can think of to “Secret Super Soldier: Every Man for Himself”

What is honestly with military shooters these days anyway? EVERYBODY DIES but the main character. What I find especially sucky about this is that your npc comrades constantly think “Hey, this guy is just like me” when in reality you play the role of a super mutant whose aim is on par with that of William Tell and a magic stomach that can digest lead. Those poor saps have no idea just how much the government has spent making sure you can recover from virtually any wound so long as you give yourself a few seconds to heal. Oh forget it. Now I’m too mad at how blatantly unfair this all is for me to continue. Harumph.

“Bioshock 2” to “Underwater Bioshock Clone 1”

Let’s be frank here, Bioshock 2 was not only an unnecessary sequel, it was a poorly done one. 2k Marin’s shameless desire to cash in on the Bioshock moniker could clearly be seen in the silly plot choices and uninspired protagonist. In no way does this title deserve to even have Bioshock in it’s name. But if it must, I like my suggestion above. And I know some people are going to want to give me flak for ripping on the game. To those people, I’m glad you enjoy playing a half-assed rip off of a modern classic. Yay you. The first “Big Daddy” my left pinky >.> Frankly speaking, if that ended up being the prototype to my experiment, I would have trashed the entire project. Ooooo, look at me! I’m some mutated super-human. But wait D: I’m just as weak as a normal human. Erm...I’m done.

“Crysis” to “Punking Asians”

How many of us honestly played the first Crysis and thought “Holy crap, this is so tense. I totally get referring to the game as a crisis”? Yeah, that’s what I thought. If you’re like me, you probably spent more time screwing with those silly npc’s than anything else. Half the time I wouldn’t even kill them. Just poof in front, nut punch em, vanish again and snicker behind a jeep. And don’t get me started on the ragdoll effects. Actually do. They were neat, watching all those silly people and aliens doing cartwheels through the air. Speaking of which, as tense as those aliens were supposed to make things feel, watching them skip and hop about to and fro gave them a sort of childish quality. It’s like they were saying “We’re not looking to kill you. We’re just playing a game of hop-scotch.”

“Star Wars: The Force Unleashed” to “Star Wars: Farting on a Legacy”

You know, I actually enjoyed the actual gameplay. And if the focus had remained on the gameplay instead of the game being pegged as a prequel to the original trilogy, we wouldn’t have had a problem. Instead, they make this badass anti-hero go soft, emo, and mushy, expect you to like him as a protagonist, then force him into this “heroic” situation where he sacrifices himself for the greater good. Maybe if they had spent more than five minutes on the story, instead of rushing through it faster than Sebulba, it would have been pretty dang good. Instead, we’re left with facepalm-inducing moments that lead us to shout out in annoyance “Why the fudge biscuits did he go and do that?” Nobody? Wait, what? You mean that was just me? What do you mean nobody says fudge biscuits? Eh, I’m just ahead of the crowd is all.

That’s all I got (to be read, “care to consider”). What are some games that you think have “misleading” titles? And yes, I suppose I’m using the term loosely. So sue me :P



I’ve got a new game idea in mind (again). But this one will require a more active role from people, myself including. I shall be forming a special committee of sexy people to aid me in this venture. You can’t volunteer. You must be chosen for this sacred honor...or whatever. More details to come soon. Snarf snarf