The lights are on
Veteran Member - Level 13
Right from the get go, I want to say that if you take this blog seriously...I love you. No, not really. But you will bring a massive smile to my face and I'm not going to tell you whether or not you're right in thinking I'm being serious.
In any case, I'm a pretty trendy guy (hell, I START trends. Drinking beer out of those red plastic cups? Started that when I was five). So what's the next big trend I'ma start? Pictures of cats wearing suspenders. It's going to be big.
But you know, sometimes I'm not the one to start the trend. I'm only human after all. A super awesome human, but that's besides the point. Take this kickstarter thing for example. Sure, they've been around for a while. However, lately they've been at the forefront of gaming news. I figured, since I'm a trendy guy I should jump on the band wagon too. You know, make things officially cool. And nothing says cool like being a guy and wearing tight chick jeans that crushes your...
You get the idea.
Money's at stake here though, right? I'm not going to just throw my money around like I'm trying to buy the exclusive bootlegged recording of Arcade Fire having breakfast. So, a kick starter has to be REAL special for me to want it. To give you an idea of what I'm looking for, here are a few game examples...
Mario and Sonic go to the Olympics and get disqualified for drug abuse
Dear God no...
Now, the past Mario and Sonic games haven't exactly been what can be defined as good in the positive sense. They were more like good in the "Good God what the hell were they thinking" sense. But I think a game like this would alleviate the problem. I don't know about you, but I think it is completely unfair that these too are ever allowed to participate in such honored games when Mario is a well known shroom addict and Sonic is clearly taking some damn good crack...or speed. But that pun is too easy to make. Yet...I did it anyway...hmmm...
Duke Nukem and Lara Croft finally make a game together
This is the only one that makes sense. Do you REALLY think a gal like Lara
would let an ape like Duke touch her goodies? You poor, naive fool.
When I was younger, I remember seeing all these fan pics of the two of these icons together. Never understood it, but now I feel it's necessary. I would give my left nut (that is, nut to the left of my keyboard...it's a macadamia and I'm kind of an almond lover) to see something like this made. Why? How cool would it be to see Lara Croft kick that stale embodiment of 90's machismo in the left ball (that is, reproductive organ)? Seriously! Duke can try making a move on her and then WHAM! Sex change.
Dead or Alive Beach...and that's it.
*Special Note* I would put up a pic of DOA, but there's no way in hell I want that trash
coming up under my search history lol... Plus I'm at work and there's a cute
engineering student behind me...you know how rare that is? So Just pretend
there's a pic here of a girl smuggling balloons...Like you've never done that before.
Now, personally I prefer the real thing. But some guys don't live close to a beach or a lake...or a community pool... And everybody should be taken care of, right? Look, let's just drop the act. The main reason most people buy a DOA game (especially of the extreme variety) is to ogle at the chipmunk possessed melons (seriously, those girls MUST be stuffing melons). So drop the volley ball. You don't play it for the sport anyway. I'm a straight forward guy. I don't like any of this beating around the bush nonsense. So man up and ask for what you really want. A video game where you can watch a bunch of pixelated buxom beauties prance about and get a tan. The only sort of interaction you really need? A conversation tree where you can ask if they want lotion rubbed on their back.
I know absolutely nothing about fashion. So to make any sort of critical comment with my ignorance would be unfair. With that said...ewww THIS IS FASHIONABLE?!
This is perhaps the most ambitious kickstarter I'd like to see. At this point in human history, there are very few things that have yet to get the Lego treatment. It's time we broaden the range to include life itself. I'm talking Lego babies, real Lego furniture, Lego burgers (for a second, think about the real awesomeness of having a burger that interlocks and stays together as you try to eat it), Lego girlfriends, Lego Legos, Lego Lego Legos, and so on.
This needs to happen. Actually...I'm patenting that Lego burger idea >.>...
Call of Battlefied Duty
We could all just get along...but there's not really any fun in that.
Honestly, the only way we're going to put the debate to rest is to have a mash up of the two franchises (Lol...yeah right). Then again, mashing up the two recent games would be like...everything we've already seen done before. Seriously, why either side tries to claim they're innovating in some way just screams pointlessness to me. Then again, the whole debate between which is better is pointless already. Just enjoy your dang game and quit your "debating", or as I like to call it...poo flinging. Poo's a funny word.
You know what? Only a jerk would make fun of that. OH CRAP...
Uh skip this next part...
I love Batman. I do. He's my favorite super hero (I say he's a super hero!!!). But he's got a few issues even my blatant fanboyism simply cannot ignore. But Batman can be as emo as a skinny jean-wearing nerd boy with pink highlights, straightened hair and a mouth stapled downward so he can always look like he's sad. We should finally just have a game where he's crying in his mansion, curled up on the couch as Alfred spoon-feeds him chocolate ice cream. You know, get it all out of his system. Then he can be even more bad ass the next time he faces off against the Joker.
Well, that's about all I have time for at the moment (i.e. all I care to come up with). Don't complain. I gave you plenty. By the way, if you laughed at any of this, you're a jerk because I was being completely serious. So...who do I make this check out to. I know that's an outdated form of payment. I'm bringing it back. After all, I'm trendy.
(I wasn't being serious)