Friends…I have a problem I must confess to you. You see, I’m in a particularly snarky mood and, for those that know my writing, snark isn’t unfamiliar to me. But today, it is especially… well, let’s call it intoxicating.

Yes, I relish in my proficiency at sarcastic wit. Today, I intend to direct it upon those GIO members that would like to call themselves “reviewers.” At least, they have a tendency to post under review sections.

For nearly every game that has a review section on this site, you are bound to find such gems as “Well, I haven't played it yet, but i wanna be the first to crack the ice!

To you, good sir, I offer congratulations. You have indeed, “cracked the ice.” Oh look at that! It even matches the one on your head. Oh, but that is hardly fair of me. I apologize. The crack on you is much larger than that upon the figurative “ice.”

Now here is one I think you’ll really like:

“***  is a game of superme uniqueness and cost. Most reviews always tell about the price. Then again people will pay ridiculous prices for iphones, ipads etc..... The unique thing is you use figerines as your characters. Yeah at first it sounds dumb but, think about it... The figures cost at least 8 dollars each for something physical. Would you rather waste that some amount if it was downloadable? Plus most gamers can't hook there consoles online. Think about that! After playing 15 hours of this game IT IS WORTH 70 BUCKS TO GET!  The only reason why most gamers don't like this idea of the figures is that there too scared to get off the couch into the outside world,

So eloquent! So articulate! Clearly, this user’s admonition to visit the outside world is a sign of supernal intelligence and experience. It is just such a shame the message is lost in a “review” mired by spelling errors and grammatical errors. But when you are so busy criticizing others by means of a weakly plotted argument, thoughts are bound to be forgotten when transcribed into the written word.

And what of the contradictory statements one often comes across by users who voice their discontent with GI’s personal reviews? Naturally, there is nothing wrong with disagreeing. As a matter of fact, I wholly encourage it! I think people don’t disagree enough, really. We should all be at odds with the other, because the only opinion better than yours is from the person next to you!

…I just find it a little difficult to support someone voicing their opinions when their opinions are so…confused…This next example was written by the same user in regards to two separate games.

“Awesome. Open exploring, kick ass action, but GI gave that a 10. No, it's sad to see this get a 10. While it's fun it makes me think GI staff over rate things.


“Gameinformer I often feel you under rate games, but I find this kind of insane. Why review it at all?

Interestingly enough, for the second example the user does not leave it at that, but goes onto sharing a pleasant little anecdote about his own experiences with his mother and friends, his five year old neighbor, a gifted child who skipped two years of schooling, and a distaste for losing at Guitar Hero. With all that said, my favorite line of this review would have to be “Whenever we have nothing else to play *** is always the answer.” Because last resort games are really, the ones you most prefer.

But if I could be serious for a moment…really and truly serious, who is actually in the wrong here? Well, I would dare say that the blame is not on those that write such ludicrous, inane, uneducated, and inarticulate reviews. Rather, it is on is on the rest of us. And I say this in the most sincere, most guilt-laden way possible. We, the rest of us, are in the wrong.

Fellows, we must hang our head in shame. You see, we are going about reviews in all the wrong ways when we actually take time and effort to write out and explain our reasons for why we like something and why we don’t. How is that doing even half the great service reviews like “I love Mug SHot... it funny when people hit me. and it take a picture of my gold fish!!!!” does?

And by great service, I am referring to just how… well, you really have to stop yourself and laugh at the absurdity that plagues many review sections. And, they do say laughter is the best form of medication. So while others who review games methodically and with an intent to inform are just essentially wasting your time (because if you disagree for whatever reason, much of the point in reading the review is now gone), these noble wretches from the uninformed, belligerent masses might be on the verge of curing heart disease or the sniffles! At the very least, their incoherent ramblings will have tickled your fancy to some degree.

And who doesn’t want their fancy tickled? (I had to say it)

So remember, these are not people who should be teased and scoffed for their completely baseless, misspelled criticisms. These are people worthy of the most praise and the highest honors for their valiant efforts to keep the rest of us entertained. Treat them as such.

From your friendly neighborhood spider monkey (seriously…you should see my arms),


 While this is likely an unnecessary side note, if you haven't read Saint's proposition to the community regarding user reviews, I suggest you take a look here. And he's right... I will totally bombard you with my deliciously wicked sarcastic wit if you fail to take him seriously :P