"OH MAI GAWD GAIS! I LUVVED TIHS MUVEE IT WUZ LIEK THE BEST EVAR! EDWARD WAZ HAWT ADN JAKOB WASS SHIRRTLES THE HOLE MOVEE!11!1!"

If you agree with the above, you either a.) Need mental help, b.) Won't enjoy this review, or c.) Both. Now, so far I've been doing reviews of movies that range from okay, to absolutely great, but never really went into the "edgy"--if you wanna call it that--side of reviewing (With quotes like "It makes Freddy Got Fingered look like Hamlet). But out of all the terrible movies out there this year, there were none that can match how much I wanted to completely rip on this movie. Sure there are probably worse movies out there, believe it or not, but when it comes to being just plain old, downright hateful, anything involving Twatlight always riles me up. Whether it's the books, the movies, the merchandise, or the fangirls.

I certainly didn't wanna waste money on this trainwreck, so in order to review a movie I haven't seen yet, I first went to my sister and asked her to describe the movie. After confirming that it indeed sucked, I found a torrent, so I made sure I didn't give Stephenie Meyer more fuel for her sellout boat. Is this movie worse than the first one? Yes. However, I have to say, it was fun to watch. Not because it was by any means good, but because it was just so unintentionally funny while still desperately trying retain a serious mood that it falls under "self-parody". 

The plot: Our main characters Mary Sue and Chris Hansen (But they keep calling them Bella and Edward for no reason), have survived the perils of the first movie and realize that they have to make a new one extremely quick to make the fangirls happy and fuel the hype train. So they plan on making a movie that is just 2 hours of them posing around looking pretty. Mary Sue goes to Chris Hansen's house to get raped celebrate her birthday when she accidentally gets a paper cut. This makes a tiny drop of blood fall on the floor, and then Chris Hansen's brother ,Pedobear, tries to lunge at Mary Sue, mistaking the blood for her period. But Chris Hansen, totally wanting to plow her first, stops him before he can do anything. After realizing how horrible this movie is, Chris tells Mary Sue that he has to leave her to save her from himself and his terribly acting, and that he will return to completely rape her brains out another time. His leaving her results with the next plenty of minutes being nothing but Mary Sue whining and acting completely emo. But soon, another plot device kicks in as she realizes that one of her friends, named Jacob, is a total furry who turns into a wolf.

After hearing this variation of the plot, you're probably already sick of this movie. Yes, this is exactly how the movie actually goes.

The acting is total balls. Kristen Stewart is pretty and has been in a few good movies, but I don't understand how she can act so terribly. As for Robert Pattison, he sucked as Cedric Diggory, he failed to play as Salvador Dali, and Edward is his big crown of shame. Even he hates the book series and he's stuck playing as the one who causes all the fangirls to gasm up the whole theater. And for Taylor Lautner, I remember when when he was in that Sharkboy movie. It sucked, and he was terribly in it, and that's saying something for child acting, which already is pretty terrible in the majority.

The writing, involving pedophiliac not-vampires, and furries is probably the worst story in the vampire and/or werewolf genre you may ever hear, courtesy of Stephenie Meyer. Vampires never sparkle, and werewolves require the freaking moon to "morph" (Insert lame Power Rangers gag here). It also doesn't help that (for the ten billionth time already) Edward is a 100-something year old who's going after a teenager. At least the Jacob guy is actually her age!!

As far as romances go, I like romances, provided that there's actual romance, and boy are there very few good romances these days (WALL-E had freaking robots and that was probably the greatest romance this decade!). None of the characters of this sickening love triangle seem to convince me that there is any chemistry between them. And they don't even actually like each other. Chris Hansen likes Mary Sue because "her blood smells good" (And she's young >_>). Mary Sue likes Chris Hansen because he's "hawt". And Jacob is barely given anything. If it weren't for the fact that this movie was unbearable, I would sympathize for the guy.

So you're asking, "Are there any redeemable qualities in this movie". Well.....uh...hmmm........well f***, I can't think of any. Uh.................I'll get back to you guys on that one another time. Fans of the books will like it, but then, again that's not saying much since they like a book about Mary Sues and pedophile V.I.N.O.'s (Vampire In Name Only). So I give it a OMG HE'S SOOO HAWT/10.

What that score means is that if you agree with the statement, you'll like it, and if you don't agree, like me, you will just despise it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go toLacuna so I can get my memories of this movie erased (Referencing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind FTW!)