Recently, one of my writers over at Koku Gamer, wrote a hilarious article, detailing his step by step descent into Bordelands obsession.  The article was too funny (And too true) not to post here for you guys, so that's what I've done.  James is a very funny writer, and I think you'll enjoy what he has to say.  Read on!:



Have you ever played a game that slowly began to take over your life in all aspects? I know I certainly have, and on multiple occasions. Nonetheless, I also know that it’s only a matter of time before all gamers out there experience this astounding event at least once in their gaming career.  Which brings me to the topic at hand: why are games sometimes so addicting, and why do we let them be as such?

I used to be a fairly normal guy with a decent job, loving family, and even a few pets to round out all that wholesome-y goodness crap. I’d wake up early, take a shower, and go to work bright and early on a Monday morning, just like anybody else would at the start of an average week.

But it all changed on that fateful day when Borderlands was set to release on an unsuspecting gaming public; namely me. And sure, there was “warning” with all the various media outlets giving their first hands-on impressions, previews, and whatnot. But no one said anything about this…

I won’t bother you with the schematics of it. Just know that it was the multitude, and I mean MULTITUDE, of guns and the combination of the game’s fabulous random loot dropping system that somehow led to a lowly, dirty, addiction; that suffice it to say, I am not very proud of. I mean, a game with first-person shooter style gameplay and role-playing mechanics reminiscent of Diablo-style loot mongering, and me a huge fan of both! This game was already looking to be way too much fun to bear.

Once I actually started playing though, it sunk its teeth in pretty deep; I became more beast than man, in so many more ways than one. You know that average, everyday guy I was talking about earlier?  He had pretty much ceased to exist at this point. It was like something out of that movie Seven - you know, with Brad Pitt & Morgan Freeman? Yeah, just like that, each sin present and accounted for, only much less graphic. Well, I think my family may disagree with that last statement, but that’s beside the point.


I continued on a downward spiral of gaming contentment on a daily basis for what seemed like an inexplicable amount of time, only showing real signs of life when I was snapped out of my trance, briefly, by a loved one vying for my attention. My always-affectionate cat, Reiss, enters the room and jumps up on my lap.

“Reiss! Stop nuzzling the controller, I’m trying to play a game, Jesus! I’ll play with you later!!”

“Why can’t you be more like Chalmers! I’ve never seen a cat that needed so much *** attention!”

And as my adoring cat, who once idolized me as her master, sprang off my lap and scurried into the other room, I could only at that time feel a little bit guilty.  Not because of my outright neglect to her loving adulation; but rather, because I was in a heated battle with a few baddies in-game and just got killed. What an ass I am. If this is any example of my fathering skills, then I must be doomed. But my pets weren’t the only ones bearing the fearsome brunt of my neglect. Did I mention that I just recently got married? Yeah. I’m an ass. Soon after my disregard for my cat that now hates me, my wife gets home from her newly acquired job as a teacher and walks into the room.

“I’m so excited about my new job, all the kids are so great and I’m having SO much fun!! Do you have a minute so I can tell you all about it?”

“Whuh? Oh, yeah, sure just let me get to a good point so I can make sure I don’t get attacked by anything really quick…”

“Well can’t you just pause it?”

“Uhh, umm, yeah but lemme just get to a good spot because if I stop now then I won’t remember what I was doing…”


“No wait, I’m almost done, see, I’m pausing it right now…”

“It’s ok…I’ll tell you later…”

“Are you sure??”

“Yeah, it’s fine…”

“Well, ok then…”

I then began to, ever so slightly, turn my head and blow my wife a kiss while still staring at the screen and un-pause the game before she even leaves the room. WHAT AN ASS I AM! I mean, really, who lets a game encompass that much of their life that they’re willing to risk their newly vowed marriage for? Keep in mind that this is just one of many, many, examples. But, again, it’s not only the family who suffers from this tremendously horrible affliction; but myself as well.

       Maybe if I'd have shown my cleavage when I did it, it would have been all good

“Aren’t you going to take a shower today? Your hair looks terrible…”

“Whuh? Oh, yeah, of course I will don’t be ridiculous…I’m just gonna finish this last bit in the game, there might be a kick ass weapon in this ammo crate…I’ll be in the shower before you know it!” (As I proceed to give my wife the “cheese” grin.)

“Don’t gimme that look, you’ve been playing this game for hours already. Go get in the shower!”

“I will I will, geez!!”

Some 9-10 hours later…

“I can’t believe you’re still sitting there playing that game! What’s wrong with you, you haven’t even taken a shower like you said you would this morning.”

“Nothing’s wrong with me, and I’m GOING to take a shower! This game is just really distracting is all…”

“Well we’re all going out to dinner tonight so you better hurry up, cuz we’re not gonna wait around for you all day.”

“Ok ok I’m turning it off right now, I just need to get to a good spot before I…”

“Always with the GOOD SPOT!! Why can’t you just turn the *** thing off right now?”

“geez…ok OK…I will…”

Some 15-20 minutes later…


“OK OK…”

My wife likes to do this fake clear-her-throat kinda thing to get my attention when I’m not listening, and normally, it’s pretty cute. Normally…

So the wheels were finally set in motion and we went out and got a good meal at one of our favorite local restaurants, and all was well and good until my brand new father-in-law decides to bring up the topic of Borderlands at the dinner table. Little do you know, but he has the same hardship I’ve been stricken with concerning this succubus of a game. I also forgot to mention that, under the current economic crisis, my wife and I are saving some money by living with her parents. So, long story short; we play couch co-op and it’s terribly addicting.

Meanwhile, back at the dinner table, my father-in-law continues to bring up Borderlands and we carry on the conversation to discuss all the cool ass weapons we’ve gotten and our current character levels; along with all the generally nerdy crap that most people are too ashamed to discuss open to the public. All the while getting stone-cold death glares from the three other women in our family, my mother-in-law, my wife, and my wife’s sister.


My father-in-law and I have had many a discussion on how to avert the gaze of a woman scorn, so we commence merrily in our deep colloquy of geekdom; knowing that we’ll get an earful later, but not caring in the slightest. We carry our discussion on to the topic of the obscene amount of loot the game has. Oh god. The loot…

You could have a king’s ransom in ill-gotten spoils; and wait; you mean I can plunder without consequence!? ALL THE LOOT CAN BE MINE!? Praise God Almighty, like a king sitting atop his mountain of gold, it can be mine. All mine.

And that’s when greed, gluttony, and all those other crazy “deadly” sins come into play. The lust for more booty is almost too much to maintain. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. Go ahead and giggle away. But it’s almost like every time a bad guy explodes into a bulbous mass of blood and guts, you’re swooped back into your childhood subconscious, remembering that wonderful feeling just after you cracked open your first piñata on that birthday you thought your mom forgot, but didn’t; and surprised you with the most extravagant party with all your friends and cake and candy and toys! Yeah, you know that feeling. If you don’t, I’m sorry to have hashed up those, old, bad memories; or lack thereof.

But moving right along…

We eventually make it through dinner with nary a scratch from an eye dagger upon us, and onward home to wallow in our own life’s debacle that is gaming. Now, this next little event may be a bit worse off for my father-in-law than for myself, as he actually has to wake up at the butt-crack-of-dawn to go to work, while I, myself, get to sleep in, but we proceeded to push on til’ the break of dawn, clocking in another 9-10 or so hours of wondrous Borderlands gameplay. I think most of you reading this out there can vouch for normalcy and say that this just isn’t right. To give you a rough estimate of my own, personal, total hours of gameplay: I think I notched-up about 20 hours in a single day. My wife was right in asking, because seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?


Like I said before, this almost drug induced haze went on for quite some time; I’m not exactly sure how long, but It must have been at least a month, give or take a few days. And I’m pretty sure that those of you out there who may have an addictive personality, like apparently I have, and have experienced this game, might know at least a little bit of what this ordeal must have been like. If you haven’t, then I plead to you, don’t make the same mistake I made. As much as I love this game, it almost killed me.

What about if you HAVE made the same mistake? Is there a way out, you ask? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Well, let me put it to you this way. Have you bought Modern Warfare 2 yet? It’s kinda like going to a Methadone clinic to get off of heroin; and you know what they give you at those clinics, right?