I had never seen an Uwe Boll (pronounced "oo-vah Buhl") movie before this. I remember wondering, maybe his movies wouldn't be as bad as I'd heard?

I mean, a lot of fans complain that movies are bad just for straying at all from the game's continuity, yet if faithful adaptations were automatically good adaptations, Wing Commander would've been a masterpiece. Could it be possible that people only hate Boll because he diverts too far from the source material, but still makes enjoyable movies? I desperately clung to this small shred of hope, because it'd make getting through this movie list so much easier.

And I was foolish for ever entertaining such a thought. House Of The Dead is the worst videogame movie ever made.

While Double Dragon featured an awful script, it at least had competent acting and passable directing. House Of The Dead, on the other hand, fails on all possible levels. Poor writing, poor acting, poor directing, poor editing, poor cinematography. There is no redeeming quality to this movie. It's like a bad student film with a larger budget. Which would maybe be excusable if this was Uwe Bolls first attempt ever at directing a film, rather than his eighth

If there's one positive to this, it's that being worse than Double Dragon means it does enter so-bad-its-good territory at times. Unfortunately, half of the movie is spent just being boring. Even a bullet-time heavy action sequence that starts out hilarious easily overstays its welcome when the scene reaches the ten minute mark. 

It's also filled with unlikeable characters in the style of Wing Commander and Mortal Kombat. The story centers around a group of spoiled rich college kids who were trying to get to the world's biggest rave party. The one single likable character in the whole film is a boat captain named Capt. Kirk, who despises Star Trek. And when your only likable character is a grumpy old man, that's saying something.

Naturally, he also delivers the best line in the movie. While sniping away at zombies like it's a career, a jock in the distance shouts, "shoot him!!" Kirk responds: "What do you think I'm trying to do, you f***in' moron?"

It's also happens to be the only intentionally funny line in the movie. 

By the end, one of the characters has transformed into a lookalike of Ash from Army Of Darkness, which makes me wonder if perhaps Boll was trying to replicate the low-budget feel of those movies and even failed at that. The second greatest line is an exchange between the Ash lookalike and the villain who is responsible for the creation of the zombies.

Ash: "You created them so you could be immortal! Why?"

Bad Guy: "To live forever!"

I have no words.

Hey, did you know Uwe Boll has a doctorate in literature? Did you know Uwe Boll figured out how to use a loophole in German tax law to fund the nearly twenty movies he's directed in the last ten years? Let me say that again: nearly twenty movies in ten years. He's clearly brilliant on some level, so why couldn't he have figured out how to make good movies, and spared me this pain?