One of the great things about being a gamer is that there is no shortage of good games to spend our hard earned dollars on. Critically acclaimed and fan favorites are literally everywhere you turn. No matter what system is your preference, chances are there are at least a dozen amazing franchises waiting to be played.

But there are those moments when even the critically acclaimed don't do the trick. For whatever reason, you just can't get into supposed masterpiece X, Y, or Z. It's like being the one person that doesn't like Nadia G.

(is a man not allowed to enjoy cooking shows with attractive hosts?)

Those masterpieces that everyone else claims is delicious lobster smothered in melted butter is just little more than rancid pieces of Gram's old meatloaf in our eyes. This is my homage to the masterpieces that I just didn't quite do it for me.


Borderlands could be argued as one of the biggest surprise hit Ips of this generation. Dropping it's more realistic design and instead went with combining the cel-shaded visual aesthetic, Diablo style looting, and fantastic FPS controls made for a game that both was a hit among critics and gamers alike.

(We made a game that prints money and dreams!)

And I absolutely despise this game. See, my tastes in games are not exactly in line with most other gamers. I value story more than any other aspect of my games. I know that is a rather odd statement to value story over gameplay in a video game. But gaming is a medium that to allows for narrative experiences that can last anywhere from 2hrs to 200hrs. It's the very reason that Dear Esther, Mass Effect, Alan Wake, Red Dead Redemption, and Bastion get more time than Battlefield 3, Resistance, or Call of Duty (nothing against those game's respective storylines). Developers can make their story more in depth because almost every game is at least longer than a full-length film and most are even longer than books. That's one reason I flock to games as opposed to films or literature. I get more chances to explore new amazing worlds and get an even deeper insight than I would in a film

But when a game fails to use that time to create a compelling narrative, I just zone out and start eating insulation from the walls. I went through Borderlands at least 2 or 3 times and couldn't honestly tell you more than a handful of story elements and character names. Hell, I didn't honestly know that my character had a name when I played. I'd just assumed his name was RoidsMckillkill the Third.

                                        (Think you man need to cut back a bit, slim?)

That's not to say Borderlands didn't have a story. Borderlands does have story hidden somewhere beneath the mountain of weapons and Crawmerax victims. But it just wasn't engaging to me. If I can't be immersed in a game's story, then I am just probably going to go back browsing eBay for lots of tube socks and centipede repellant.

(What possible excuse does nature have for allowing one of these things to get that damn big?)

Metal Gear Solid

With Borderlands, I could at least have some semblance of a reason as to why I didn't enjoy that game. But when trying to bring up some valid reasons as to why I don't enjoyMetal Gear Solid... I've got nothing. I literally have zero reasons as to why I don't enjoy this game.

(no picture. I have zero reasons)

Hideo Kojima arguably has created one of the absolute greatest video game franchises of all time. Most Metal Gear Solid titles sit comfortably in the 90+ range on Metacritic, which is an astounding feat for any series to do once, let alone multiple times throughout the years.

(One of the most talented men in the business and he can't be bothered to look different in any photo)

And I just cannot get into this series for the life of. Nothing about Metal Gear Solid really clicks for me. I'll attempt to play one of the Metal Gears - usually the Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eaters - and I'll make about an hour of progress before the sudden urge to clean the rabbit's cage comes over me and I wander off to clean up bunny turds. I honestly don't have any reasons as to why I don't like this series other than I don't like Metal Gear Solid because I don't like Metal Gear Solid.  It's in the same vain as that I don't like centipedes because I really don't like f****** centipedes.

              (You literally cannot comprehend the sheer terror I feel when witnessing this)

My brain tells me that I am playing a good game, but the rest of my being desires to staple my genitals to a moving truck.Metal Gear Solid is one of the most decorated, beloved, and influential video games series of all time... and I just don't care.

                                            Saint's Row the Third

Saint's Row is a series that I have always tried to enjoy. I've played through each Saint's Row game in the vain hopes that it will somehow yank a laugh or two out of my putrid excuses for a heart. Each time I've been left with the inescapable feeling that my life has been shortened by a few years.

Perhaps my sense of humor just doesn't click with Saint's Row, but I've never laughed while playing this game. Even when I start running around as a nude superhero beating criminals with a large purple ***, while riding a hovercraft, doesn't tickle my funny bone.  Penises can only bring laughter to someone's life for so long before you eventually harden and stiffen to the jokes.

Wait a minute... that came out wrong.

Crap, I did it again.

That and the world just feels so... generic. When I play a game like Grand Theft Auto or Bully, the universe feels real. I feel like I am in Liberty City or Bullworth. Granted, immediately want to leave those cesspools of humanity, but at least I felt like I was there, soaking in all the STDs and pedophilic gym teachers.

(I feel dirty looking at him)

Saint's Row just makes me feel like someone dropped me in a world full of the most dimwitted AI this side of Sheva and gave me a lot of explosives in the vain attempts to keep me distracted while they go swim in their pool made of money, hot fudge, and sex.

(Note: Photo to graphic to be shown in United States, Canada, and any place with common decency)

Castlevania Lords of Shadow

Here is a video game that nobody would shut up about for a whole year after it's release. Everybody and their mother talked about how this game had one of the greatest twists of this generation. I distinctly remember purchasing this game Day-1 and getting to giant spider and just getting bored and moved on to another game in my catalogue. Strange, considering Super Castlevania IV is one of my favorite classic games of all time.

(Classic right here, folks)

Flash-forward to about a year later when I decided to finally sit down and finish Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. I managed to shuffle through an entire year avoiding spoilers, Dean's awesome podcast on said spoilers, and just anything having to do with Castlevania. The only thing I knew was that this game had a twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan curl up inside his own rectum.

(where he kept the twists for Devil and The Happening).

I went into the game with as much optimism as I could muster, wanting to be blown away by the incredible presentation, gameplay, sound design, and voice work.  

I set aside a day and beat the game and distinctly remember saying during the wee hours of the morning that morning, "that was it?" And what of the Earth shattering twist that I heard so much about? I guessed it nearly halfway through the game, due to Patrick Stewart's character narration changing direction from reading a story, to actively being more frightening than a SyFy original movie's acting.

Perhaps in the time it took for me to finally beat  Lord of Shadow, I had subconsciously placed this game on such a high platform that there would be no realistic way for it to live up to the expectations I had.  But this was just a case of a single element dragging down the entire experience. Again, probably my own fault as to why I don't care for the only good 3D Castlevania ;_;

(At least it's not a centipede)

Now, I do acknowledge that all these games are good. I'm not saying that these are bad games. Actually, I know that these are all great games.  It's just that for whatever reason, these particular games didn't do it for me. No matter how good they actually are, I just cannot enjoy them. It's like someone that doesn't enjoy Nintendo games, or someone who doesn't like Crab Legs in melted butter with a hint of... *drools*

Are there any great games that you don't like?