The lights are on
Veteran Member - Level 14
One of the great things about being a gamer is that there is
no shortage of good games to spend our hard earned dollars on. Critically
acclaimed and fan favorites are literally everywhere you turn. No matter what
system is your preference, chances are there are at least a dozen amazing
franchises waiting to be played.
But there are those moments when even the critically
acclaimed don't do the trick. For whatever reason, you just can't get into
supposed masterpiece X, Y, or Z. It's like being the one person that doesn't like Nadia G.
(is a man not allowed to enjoy cooking shows with attractive hosts?)
Those masterpieces that everyone else claims is delicious
lobster smothered in melted butter is just little more than rancid pieces of Gram's
old meatloaf in our eyes. This is my homage to the masterpieces that I just
didn't quite do it for me.
Borderlands could be argued as one of the biggest surprise
hit Ips of this generation. Dropping it's more realistic design and instead
went with combining the cel-shaded visual aesthetic, Diablo style looting, and
fantastic FPS controls made for a game that both was a hit among critics and
(We made a game that prints money and dreams!)
And I absolutely despise this game. See, my tastes in games
are not exactly in line with most other gamers. I value story more than any
other aspect of my games. I know that is a rather odd statement to value story
in a video game. But gaming is a medium that to allows for narrative experiences
that can last anywhere from 2hrs to 200hrs. It's the very reason that Dear
Esther, Mass Effect, Alan Wake, Red Dead Redemption, and Bastion get more time
than Battlefield 3, Resistance, or Call of Duty (nothing against those game's
respective storylines). Developers can make their story more in depth because almost every game is at least longer than a full-length film and most are even longer than books. That's one reason I flock to games as opposed to films or literature. I get more chances to explore new amazing worlds and get an even deeper insight than I would in a film
But when a game fails to use that time to create a compelling
narrative, I just zone out and start eating insulation from the walls. I went
through Borderlands at least 2 or 3 times and couldn't honestly tell you more
than a handful of story elements and character names. Hell, I didn't honestly
know that my character had a name when I played. I'd just assumed his name was
RoidsMckillkill the Third.
(Think you man need to cut back a bit, slim?)
That's not to say Borderlands didn't have a story. Borderlands
does have story hidden somewhere beneath the mountain of weapons and Crawmerax victims.
But it just wasn't engaging to me. If I can't be immersed in a game's story,
then I am just probably going to go back browsing eBay for lots of tube socks
and centipede repellant.
(What possible excuse does nature have for allowing one of these things to get that damn big?)
Metal Gear Solid
With Borderlands, I could at least have some semblance of a
reason as to why I didn't enjoy that game. But when trying to bring up some
valid reasons as to why I don't enjoyMetal Gear Solid... I've got nothing. I
literally have zero reasons as to why I don't enjoy this game.
(no picture. I have zero reasons)
Hideo Kojima arguably has created one of the absolute
greatest video game franchises of all time. Most Metal Gear Solid titles sit
comfortably in the 90+ range on Metacritic, which is an astounding feat for any
series to do once, let alone multiple times throughout the years.
(One of the most talented men in the business and he can't be bothered to look different in any photo)
And I just cannot get into this series for the life of.
Nothing about Metal Gear Solid really clicks for me. I'll attempt to play one
of the Metal Gears - usually the Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eaters - and I'll make
about an hour of progress before the sudden urge to clean the rabbit's cage
comes over me and I wander off to clean up bunny turds. I honestly don't have
any reasons as to why I don't like this series other than I don't like Metal
Gear Solid because I don't like Metal Gear Solid. It's in the same vain as that I don't like
centipedes because I really don't like f****** centipedes.
(You literally cannot comprehend the sheer terror I feel when witnessing this)
My brain tells me that I am playing a good game, but the
rest of my being desires to staple my genitals to a moving truck.Metal Gear Solid is one of the most decorated, beloved, and
influential video games series of all time... and I just don't care. Saint's Row the Third
Saint's Row is a series that I have always tried to enjoy. I've
played through each Saint's Row game in the vain hopes that it will somehow
yank a laugh or two out of my putrid excuses for a heart. Each time I've been
left with the inescapable feeling that my life has been shortened by a few
Perhaps my sense of humor just doesn't click with Saint's
Row, but I've never laughed while playing this game. Even when I start running
around as a nude superhero beating criminals with a large purple ***, while
riding a hovercraft, doesn't tickle my funny bone. Penises can only bring laughter to someone's
life for so long before you eventually harden and stiffen to the jokes.
Wait a minute... that came out wrong.
Crap, I did
That and the world just feels so... generic. When I play a
game like Grand Theft Auto or Bully, the universe feels real. I feel like I am
in Liberty City or Bullworth. Granted, immediately want to leave those cesspools
of humanity, but at least I felt like I was there, soaking in all the STDs and pedophilic
(I feel dirty looking at him)
Saint's Row just makes me feel like someone dropped me in a
world full of the most dimwitted AI this side of Sheva and gave me a lot of explosives
in the vain attempts to keep me distracted while they go swim in their pool
made of money, hot fudge, and sex.
(Note: Photo to graphic to be shown in United States, Canada, and any place with common decency)
Castlevania Lords of Shadow
Here is a video game that nobody would shut up about for a
whole year after it's release. Everybody and their mother talked about how this game had one
of the greatest twists of this generation. I distinctly remember purchasing
this game Day-1 and getting to giant spider and just getting bored and moved on
to another game in my catalogue. Strange, considering Super Castlevania IV is
one of my favorite classic games of all time.
(Classic right here, folks)
Flash-forward to about a year later when I decided to
finally sit down and finish Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. I managed to shuffle
through an entire year avoiding spoilers, Dean's awesome podcast on said
spoilers, and just anything having to do with Castlevania. The only thing I
knew was that this game had a twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan curl up
inside his own rectum.
(where he kept the twists for Devil and The Happening).
I went into the game with as much optimism as I could
muster, wanting to be blown away by the incredible presentation, gameplay, sound
design, and voice work.
I set aside a day and beat the game and distinctly remember
saying during the wee hours of the morning that morning, "that was it?" And what
of the Earth shattering twist that I heard so much about? I guessed it nearly
halfway through the game, due to Patrick Stewart's character narration changing
direction from reading a story, to actively being more frightening than a SyFy
original movie's acting.
Perhaps in the time it took for me to finally beat Lord of Shadow, I had subconsciously placed
this game on such a high platform that there would be no realistic way for it
to live up to the expectations I had. But
this was just a case of a single element dragging down the entire experience.
Again, probably my own fault as to why I don't care for the only good 3D Castlevania
(At least it's not a centipede)
Now, I do acknowledge that all these games are good. I'm not
saying that these are bad games. Actually, I know that these are all great games. It's just that for whatever reason, these
particular games didn't do it for me. No matter how good they actually are, I
just cannot enjoy them. It's like someone that doesn't enjoy Nintendo games, or someone who doesn't like Crab Legs in melted butter with a hint of... *drools*
Are there any great games that you