GaMe Week #15: Killer Rabbit vs. The Cooking Mama - Chris K Blog - www.GameInformer.com
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GaMe Week #15: Killer Rabbit vs. The Cooking Mama

Well here is my (not so) triumphant return to GaMe. I hope you enjoy my story Killer Rabbit... because it is pretty stupid.

*side note: the sentences italicized are KR's internal thoughts. It works much like the way Wheel of Time and A Song of Ice and Fire are written*

Also... watch out for puns

Enjoy.

 

 

 

The freezer was cold... as most freezers generally tend to be. But Killer Rabbit wasn't worried about the lack of warmth right now; he feared that he might be up next to the chopping block.

"I can't be the next one chosen" he muttered to himself.

Killer Rabbit looked at the rest of the rabbits with him in freezer.  There were four of them left The two rabbits next to me look for more appetizing... and that other one is just waiting for Darwin to knock on his door.

Looking around the freezer, Killer Rabbit tried to hide himself so the cooking mama wouldn't choose him. He couldn't be chosen. Not until I find a way to stop Cooking Mama... wait how is it logical for me to be trapped in an ice cold freezer and still be living?

The freezer door opened. Killer Rabbit had a split second to embrace the newly found warm air before the Cooking Mama grabbed him from behind.

"Well this is great" he said to himself.

He knew that his time would come at one point.

The kitchen Killer Rabbit found himself in was covered with yellow wallpaper and pink countertops. He realized for the first time that it was bright out... he hadn't felt warm in days.

The Cooking Mama finally spoke up "Well it is time to put you in the rabbit stew"

Killer Rabbit had never seen a woman who looked so... weird. She was an older woman with absurdly saggy arms and the stupidest look on her face that made you want to shoot an endangered animal. What else Killer Rabbit found weird about this old woman was the Hunger Games T-shirt she had on. I can't believe I'm going to be killed by a Hunger Games fan.

The Cooking Mama placed him down on the cutting board and went to get her butcher's knife.

"I really hope she lops my head off first instead of chopping off my legs or... gonads" Killer Rabbit said, impatiently waiting for his imminent execution.

"Alright Mr. Rabbit now I'm going to have to kill you now"

She raised the knife.

"Wait" Killer Rabbit suddenly had a change of heart, "Can we at least talk things through?"

Killer Rabbit never thought her stupid grin could look even stupider. She tilted her head to the side and seemed to be thinking of something to say.

"I can't believe you mustard up the courage to speak to me Mr. Rabbit"

Killer Rabbit pressed his paw against his face. Is she really going to use food puns during what will most likely be my final conversation?

There was no time to deal with the silliness of her demeanor; Killer Rabbit had to find a way to stop her from killing him. He had to say something.

"Is it morally right to kill a fellow creature?" He thought saying something philosophical would buy him a ticket out of here.

The Cooking Mama continued to have that silly grin on her face as if she trying to craft yet another food joke.

"But... you put the "roc" in my rabbit broccoli stew"

She seemed to be devastated at Killer Rabbit insistence of bringing philosophy and logic into the discussion.

"You could always try killing hamsters." It wasn't the brightest thing to say at the moment especially since he previously talked of not killing anyone... but when you're having a conversation with a Hunger Games loving, food pun throwing Cooking Mama; you can't always sound intelligent.

"I DON"T CARROT ABOUT HAMSTERS!!!"

That clearly wasn't the best thing Killer Rabbit could have said right there. Quickly he rubbed his foot for good luck hoping he would have it when the time comes.

"How about you let me go and you can make yourself a... salad." Killer Rabbit said.

Now that was a smart thing to say...

The Cooking Mama stared at him for a second with eyes surprisingly cold "No... I'm the Cooking Mama".

She went to raise her knife to swing down on Killer Rabbit's neck. Oh crap. Quickly Killer Rabbit jumped up from cutting board and escaped the knife by just a hare.

If I survive today, how am I going to explain all the plot holes that have occurred to me? Without hesitation, Killer Rabbit sprinted towards the door with surprising speed, especially since he was stuck in a freezer for so long. He scurried under the couch in the living room to catch his breath.

Ok I need to think of how to get out of here. The Cooking Mama will find me in no time. It was then when he found his escape route; an open window... in the kitchen.

 "Ok so how am I supposed to get back there without the Cooking Mama catching me?" Killer Rabbit whispered to himself.

For someone her size, the Cooking Mama moved with surprising grace and had cat-like reflexes. She would stop him if she saw him going towards the window. How was he going to get out of there without Cooking Mama catching him? And I almost forgot about the rabbits in the freezer.

He felt he had to at least try to rescue the rabbits in the freezers...

How in the world am I going to stop The Cooking Mama and rescue the rabbits?

It was then Killer Rabbit thought of a brilliant idea.

 

 

Killer Rabbit recklessly ran into the kitchen and immediately caught Cooking Mama's attention. She was still carrying her knife, but had another rabbit in her hand ready to be killed.

"Help me handsome rabbit!" the trapped rabbit screamed.

Oh my goodness! It's a girl rabbit! How did I not notice her in the freezer?

Killer Rabbit was never a smooth operator (like say... Chris the retired galaxy saver) but he definitely knew his plan had to succeed in order to save the lovely hare in distress.

Cooking Mama, with both the rabbit and knife in her hands, lunged towards Killer Rabbit. He quickly evaded the attack.

I need to find the perfect angle to hit Cooking Mama.

After dodging countless attacks, Killer Rabbit jumped. He didn't jump at Cooking Mama though... but at the bowl next to her. He landed in front of the bowl which proceeded to launch all of the liquid on to Cooking Mama's Hunger Games T-shirt.

Cooking Mama quickly dropped both the knife and girl rabbit and started feeling her T-shirt. Whatever the liquid Killer Rabbit sprayed on Cooking Mama was; it definitely stained her shirt. Now on her knees, the Cooking Mama screamed: "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY!!!!!!"

After what seemed to be minutes of Cooking Mama screaming and Killer Rabbit in utter shock; Cooking Mama finally grabbed the knife and muttered "dishonor" and plunged it straight into her chest.

Wow. That is a rather dark ending to my adventure.

Killer Rabbit jumped off the counter and went straight to the girl rabbit.

"Are you all right?" Killer Rabbit said trying his best to sound like Commander Shepard.

"Yes I'll be fine" she then looked him straight in the eyes "El-ahrairah, I can't believe you saved me."

She had a Russian accent. She was intelligent enough to reference a book about rabbits AND she has a Russian accent! Thank you rabbit's foot.

"Are you going to save the other two male rabbits inside the freezer?" she asked.

"So the other two rabbits are male?" Killer Rabbit replied.  Survival of the fittest... "They'll find their own way out"

Both rabbits then jumped out of the window and went on to tell the story of how Killer Rabbit saved all rabbits from the wrath of the Cooking Mama.

EPILOGUE

Killer Rabbit went on to marry his Russian rabbit lady friend and live off the money he made from his memoir. Six months after their marriage, it was revealed that Killer Rabbit's wife was a con artist and that she stole every last penny that he earned from his memoir. Killer Rabbit now makes his living as a mercenary for a small, controversial organization he co-created called PETA. He also has a second identity as Bugs Bunny.

 

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