The lights are on
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Okay, so some of us in the office have an unfortunate fascination with watching bad video game movies. Last week, this bizarre hobby resulted in tragedy as four of us watched one of the worst movies ever made: Far Cry. Bryan, Sean, Ben, and I gathered to play some Scott Pilgrim on PSN...only to discover that our code wasn't activated yet, and the game wasn't available for download. So, we had pizza and refreshments, but no activity. What could we do? We almost did this. Then we did something worse.Any other group of self-respecting adults would have called it a night. However, I suggested that we use the opportunity to resurrect our bad video game movie night by watching Far Cry, which was unfortunately available on Netflix Instant Queue (Aside: As far as I know, this trash pile never even got a theatrical release. Hell, it may not have even gotten a DVD release. I think it was one of those straight-to-Netflix-Instant-Queue movies)Avoid this at all costs! Also, I dispute Netflix's classification of this movie as "exciting."As someone who has now seen every one of Uwe Boll's video game movies (I just died a little bit inside writing that, by the way), I can tell you one thing: He never got better. Some people may tell you that he crawled a slow path of improvement, starting at "total s---" and eventually landing at slightly more complimentary "mostly s---." Not true! As Far Cry demonstrates, every one of his films are absolutely unwatchable, and insulting on several levels.Unlike some previous Boll productions, Far Cry doesn't even have a star-studded cast. I mean, I can understand how someone might be suckered into seeing In the Name of the King, since it has Jason Statham, Burt Reynolds, John Rhys-Davies, Ron Perlman, and Ray Liotta. The three headliners in Far Cry are Til Schweiger, Emmanuelle Vaugier, and Udo Kier. Now, I'm not going to disparage these actors individually – I've seen them each in things I've enjoyed (spoiler: Far Cry is not one of those things). Plus, I'm not going to blame them...no one turns in a good performance in any Uwe Boll video game movie. But the fact remains that Far Cry just doesn't have a ton of star power.The movie obviously sucks right away and never stops. Some commandos get killed, someone hires Jack Carver to go to some crazy island, that giant dude from Gladiator shows up (the one who gets skewered with all those arrows at the end). The girl falls for Jack Carver immediately and without reason or explanation, and some guy who was supposed to be a sidekick or something gets introduced when there are just 20 minutes left in the movie.Look, this is that guy from Gladiator I'm talking about. Not the dude with the crying angel/tiger mask.Anyway, the short of it is that we watched Far Cry, and it was hilarious. Sure, it was hilarious in a terrible way, but we had a good time talking over the movie and making fun of Ben. I apologize if you thought this was going to be a review of Far Cry. It's not. You don't need me to tell you the numerous ways in which this movie fails, because it's all of them. This movie fails in all of the ways.Which made it a perfect choice for bad video game movie night. Next up: Max Payne, I think.
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