GIJeffA Blog

Behold The Beauty VI: So Bad, It's Good!

Jeff Akervik — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 20:03:00 GMT

I apologize for the rate at which these stupendous displays of box art wizardry are trickling out. I just don't get around to pumping these bad boys out as frequently as I used to. But fear not, as long as I'm breathing (and Game Informer gainfully employs me), I'll do my best to expose the masses to the wonderment that is Behold the Beauty. That, and I need a confidence boost every once in a while. So here we go with round six. Strap yourselves in, you might get nauseous along the way.

Let's pull no punches and dive right in, shall we? It's AAARGH! that settles into the leadoff spot this time around, and what an impression it makes.

I get the whole energy rush one would get from witnessing ‚Äì and controlling! ‚Äì an epic battle between a fierce fire-breathing dragon and an intimidating Cyclops with Spock-like ears and a nasty horn jutting out of his head. It's even cooler that these larger-than-life combatants are busting out of their respective arcade cabinets like a jack-in-the-box on steroids as some poor *** ‚Äì with fashionable rolled up jeans and shiny black shoes ‚Äì tries to harness their power with his wired joystick. Heck, there's even electricity coursing through and out of each arcade cabinet; this cover just screams ACTION! And what better way to aptly communicate this not-to-be-missed experience than with the brilliant title of AAARGH!

AAARGH! is what I immediately think (and maybe even mutter under my breath) when I read that the title of this game is, in fact, AAARGH! The creative well must have been running critically low when the marketing wizards christened this baby with such a horrendous name. Here's hoping they never made a sequel to this masterstroke. Can you imagine the possibilities? EEEK! UGGHHH! OOOMPH! GAAAHHHHH! Ok, I'd rather not.

I will say, though, that Cyclops does have some nicely combed hair. Gotta reach that female demographic any way you can.

I know, we've all seen this cover before and yes, it's probably been beaten to within one inch of its life for its insane usage of a baby wearing sunglasses that in no way correlates at all the the actual game. But guess what? It's a horrible idea so, therefore, it gets more of a beating!

First off, from a technical standpoint, the Photoshopped sunglasses just look downright bad. Seriously, please at least try. And whose brilliant idea was it to put the title of the game on the baby's forehead? What is that even supposed to mean? Is someone supposedly disfiguring this helpless baby with ink or did the baby, in some amazingly ambidextrous fashion, write the title of the game on its own forehead? Last time I checked, only a mentally unstable person would tattoo a game title onto their forehead, trademark symbol and all.

And here's an even more pertinent question: Why even use a baby at all?! Babies don't play video games, so they sure as heck don't play Super Bust-a-Move. And since they don't play Super Bust-a-Move, you'll never catch one rocking out to said game wearing sunglasses (wait, those aren't real?!), chewing bubble gum (last time I checked, babies don't have much in the way of teeth, let alone the motor skills to properly consume gum without choking and dying), and, oh yeah, acting oh-so cool with that game title splashed across its forehead. Wait, is that even gum the baby is chewing? The baby's blowing a bubble, right? It's always nice when the first emotions your cover elicits is confusion and anger.

Poor baby, poor game. No wonder Akklaim went out of business.

The poor folks over at Sega decided Akklaim's version of cover hell wasn't egregious enough, so they went ahead and decided to go for broke. Seriously, can no one design a "proper" cover for Bust-a-Move? While the aforementioned "Too Cool for School" baby cover was Akklaim's weak attempt at being hip and edgy, Sega has decided to just go right for the jugular and scare the living crap out of everyone who has the unfortunate luck to cross paths with this abomination.

No, I do not want to play a game that will, by the looks of it, force me to prop my eyes open with matchsticks. Seriously, matchsticks? Isn't this just a whimsical, appropriate for all ages puzzle game? So why do I feel like I'm watching a scene from A Clockwork Orange? Eyeballs McGee doesn't look like he's having any sort of fun and actually appears to be in a decent amount of physical pain. Just want I want out of my gaming experience ‚Äì pain and matchsticks to further elevate said pain.

But at least we know there's a lot of balls; all providing even more proof that matchsticks really do an admirable job of ensuring you'll never, EVER, stop playing Bust-a-Move: Arcade Edition. I'm sold.

Mmm, walking. It's so much fun! My whole family loves walking, especially when you do it to music. Even my Dad gets in on the action even though he's more into lunging. My Mom is great at walking but sometimes trips over her obnoxiously long jeans. Oh Mom, when will you ever learn? Hee hee! My sister also adores walking almost as much as me. She especially loves it when we take a nice stroll past the fake beach under a beautiful striped sky. That really puts a smile on her face. But when it comes down to it, I like walking the most. I even tend to bring my Wii Remote and Nunchuck along because it makes me so darn happy. So happy that I tend to pee my pants. Don't tell my Mom.

Scary, possessed-looking blonde girl, please go home. The rest of you divas, find a new friend.

Behold The Beauty V: Yep, More

Jeff Akervik — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 20:13:00 GMT

So it's been quite a while since I wrote my last Behold the Beauty. To be honest, I've been quite busy with actual work that doesn't involve sarcastically mocking horrible video game covers. (I know, how can this not be my full-time gig?) Thankfully, I've been able to carve out some time to once again focus some loving attention on that rare breed of box art that is memorable for all the wrong reasons. I just hope I haven't lost my touch – not that it matters that much since these bad boys tend to speak for themselves. Get it on…

Here we start off with a cover seemingly done entirely in colored pencil – by a 6th grader. It adds a depth of realism you don't find very often these days outside the walls of John F. Kennedy Elementary School, and for good reason. How else could you so effortlessly combine the likes of so many powerful characters into one artistic piece of pure brilliance? You can't – unless you use colored pencil. Just remember that.

The key to remember with Suspect is that you're being accused of murder. Sounds interesting enough, right? Everyone loves a good murder mystery with the main character out to clear his/her name at all costs. The suspense! The intrigue! Yep, someone has turned up dead and "now they're pointing fingers at you." Must be the police, right? Or the FBI? Not quite. Nope, these accusers come from a more diverse background. Namely, Transylvania, the jungle, a royal castle, Venice, and an office building for werewolves. This has blockbuster written all over it.

Funny how the majority of these characters do enough killing in their own right, that you'd think they be cool with the whole murder thing. But what's even more disturbing is that black, circular eye-type things on the left. What is that? Is it an eye? And if so, how could it talk, let alone accuse someone of murder? And who exactly is the ring leader of this posse? It's gotta be the werewolf, right? I mean, he's wearing a suit for crying out loud! I also love how Dracula and the werewolf are staring each other down. Looks like we're about to have another dead body on our hands. Good thing the court jester is there to sort all of this madness out with a little light-hearted humor. But not before he gets mauled by the zombiefied gorilla lurking in the shadows.

The only thing we know for sure is that the descender of the "p" in the title is getting the life choked out of it. Yep, violence reigns supreme in Suspect. Not even the typography – poorly kerned mind you – is safe from the madness.

While we're on the topic of violence, why not take a nice gander at this lovely cover for Vigilante? Doesn't it just give you the warm fuzzies all over? Yeah.

Attention game developers: It's one thing to want to "effectively" communicate the tone of your game through your cover art, but it's entirely another thing when said artwork freaks the living crap out of any sane person with a pulse and renders you sleepless for nights on end. This is some disturbing s***.

At least the artist got a little patriotic with the color scheme of the title. Ahhhhh, that makes it all better.

I would cry too if this was the box art for a game I was trying to sell. At least the artist made ample use of the outer glow feature in Photoshop.

Gotta love that lizard man's party hat. Nice teeth. The guy on the right throwing up the devil horns also seems to be having a good time, what with his goggles and ripped physique. Eat your heart out, Michael Phelps. It even looks as if part of Michelangelo's Book of Genesis fresco made it into this game as well. Talk about range.

But what about the younger demographic? What if they're not necessarily fond of partying lizards, Renaissance paintings, heavy metal-loving swimmers, and overly emotional grown men? Have no fear, Thomas the Engine is here! And by the looks of things, he's none too pleased by what he's seeing.

That makes two of us, Thomas.

You're a soldier. You have one arm, emerald green pants, a bandana coming out of the back of your neck, and no mouth. You're none too happy and you're going to let the world feel your wrath by rapidly swinging your water gun in an upward motion while dousing them in a stream of liquid. This ain't gonna be pretty, but war never is.

Come on. Come party with Cheggers. You know you want to. But please, only if you're 3 years of age or older. Cheggers has an image to uphold – and by his looks, alcohol to consume.

Finally! An Update On My Pile Of Shame

Jeff Akervik — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 19:09:00 GMT

It's been over two years now since I laid bare some of my gaming sins. Namely, those high-caliber games I – for whatever the reason – never got around to, but by all accounts should have. These unfortunate gaming omissions are even more egregious considering I work at a place like Game Informer, where gaming and breathing tend to go hand-in-hand.

No, seriously.

But I bucked that trend (something I tend to do often), publicly aired my transgressions, and got a good deal of grief as a result – most of which I expected. Be that as it may, I thought it was about time I brought you all up to speed as to how things have been progressing – or not. Don't worry, I have completed some games in my venerable pile, but not as many as I – or maybe even some of you – would deem acceptable. And before you even ask, yes, Super Mario 64 is not one of the fortunate few either. Life can be a cruel, cruel mistress.

Half-Life Series

So I should start off by admitting that this entry isn't "completely" taken care of. While I managed to play through the venerable Half-Life 2 and its two subsequent episodic crowbar crushing escapades, I wholly neglected Half-Life itself. Call it a sheer act of brazen stupidity or diabolical genius, but I just wasn't up for going back so far in time to get acquainted with Mr. Gordon Freeman. I instead read up on the happenings of the first game and used The Orange Box (which contains HL2, Episode 1, and Episode 2, among other Valve games) as my jumping off point. Not ideal, I know, but it is what it is.

With that being said, when all was said done and the credits rolled at the end of Episode 2, all I could think of was I had a new favorite game of all-time contender on my hands. Yeah, I liked it that much. Now maybe my view of HL2 and its two subsequent episodes were colored in some way by the omission of the first Half-Life. But the fact that I came away with such an amazingly high opinion of these games proves how well they stand on their own. And heck, I'd even venture to guess that had I played the first Half-Life, I very well might have enjoyed the sequels that much more. Man, typing that thought just now blows my mind.

But in all honesty, it's no big surprise that I ended up liking HL2 and its two sequels as much as I did, right? The games were released to almost universal acclaim and set the bar for what a genre-defining FPS title should be. The story was engrossing and dramatic without being too over-the-top. The gameplay was tight and varied, constantly challenging you every step of the way while keeping you fully engaged. Heck, even the graphics – which are by no means a spring chicken at this point in time – still hold up remarkably well (as does the killer soundtrack, by the way). And did I mention the sheer variety found in these games? Everything from wielding the vaunted gravity gun to commandeering a rebuilt Dodge Charger to frantically fending off waves Striders hell bent on your extinction; these are just a few of the countless moments that left an indelible mark on me. And then, of course, there's Alyx Vance. I wish she was my girlfriend…er, wait a minute. I'm married. Nevermind.

So yeah, who knew that a crowbar and some headcrabs could make for such a wild night on the town? The only regret I have as a result of playing these games is that I'm now part of the countless number of people who are waiting for something, anything regarding Half-Life 3. Gah. Ignorance truly is bliss.

Behold The Beauty IV: Even Worse Than You Remember

Jeff Akervik — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 20:13:00 GMT

It's been a while since the last stupendous iteration of Behold the Beauty blinded us with its brilliance, so I thought it was about time to blind us all over again. For those not well-versed in Roman numerals, this is the fourth part of what is seemingly a never-ending deluge of artistic junk (parts one, two, and three here, here, and here). That is, video game covers "designed" by supposed "professionals" who prove that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. So take a gander at the following ten covers I've lovingly singled out and see how long you can go without wanting to throw up in your mouth.

Get it on…

And look who we have here - it's our good friends over at Phoenix – a staple here at Behold the Beauty. If they don't set the bar for design excellence, then I don't know who does. Take Street Warrior, for example; nothing says tough like two bare-chested, steroid-ridden, lummoxes with hands the size of beach balls looking to take their rage out on the next guy who makes fun of their ridiculously tight pants. The guy on the left is especially frightening, what with his tiny Beetlejuice-like head and monstrous elbows. Last time I checked, the size of your elbows were directly proportional to the amount of weight you could bench press. Or was it the size of your feet? Either way, these two are in luck as they could easily float across the Pacific Ocean with those massive pontoons while simultaneously elbow smashing every shark in sight. Too bad they're stuck in this dump of a city.

Oh yeah, check out that dog. Nice. Every dog I've ever owned – or seen for that matter – looked just as stiff and lifeless as this one. Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of many than a dog with a severe case of rigor mortis – and a massive waxed shine on his nose. Or is that a band-aid?

And if you still haven't entirely bought into the toughness of these two and good ol' Rufus then surely the stylized logo seemingly scribbled out of white chalk will seal the deal. No? Then how about that burning trash can in the background? Or perhaps the "No Parking" sign? I always scream like a little girl when I'm driving around and see one of those. This is a bad part of town. Time to leave before I get elbow smashed.

Dark Link Statue Is Impressive...And Dark

Jeff Akervik — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 00:21:00 GMT

So he finally arrived.

After months and months of waiting, my exclusive edition Dark Link First4Figures statue finally made its way to GI's doorstep this past week. What makes this particular statue "exclusive," and thus oh so special, is Link's glowing red eyes (that pierce into the very depths of your soul) and the shimmering water effect thanks to a set of pulsating lights (and two AAA batteries, of course). It's a subtle but striking effect. The statue is downright spooky when placed in total darkness. Not that I sit in a dark room and just stare at this thing. Who do you take me for?

As per usual, the level of detail is impressive indeed. First4Figures never ceases to amaze with the care they put into crafting each of these statues. Of particular note is Dark Link's shield. The contrast of silver and black would even make Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis proud. Overall, it's a fairly simplistic color palette (as far as First4Figures statues go), but by no means does it detract from what is undoubtedly one of the cooler statues in my collection. It's Dark Link after all, he was never one for flash. But as you can see, he's an imposing figure to be sure.

So now this bad boy can sit along side my Ocarina of Time Link and Fierce Deity Link statues. It's a fricken smorgasbord of Links, I tell ya. The only thing missing now is Epona...

Uh oh. And so the wait begins all over again.

Best Zelda Commercial Ever

Jeff Akervik — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 17:04:00 GMT

It's no secret I'm a fairly large Zelda fan. I've played all of the home console releases and am working my way through the remaining three handheld versions I've yet to complete (Link's Awakening, Oracle of Ages, and Oracle of Seasons). Yet it's the seminal title Ocarina of Time that has been and always will be the game that forever changed the way I viewed this medium we all hold so near and dear. So it should come as no surprise whatsoever that I have been waiting with bated breath for the upcoming release of Ocarina of Time 3D on the 3DS. Heck, it's the singular reason I bought a 3DS in the first place – after swearing to myself over and over I wasn't going to buy it for months, but that's another story for another time. And how could I not? The thought of playing this masterpiece without being tethered to a television, along with enhanced graphics, and a bevvy of superlative extra content not found in the N64 version was simply too much for me to abstain from. Simply put, if there's one game I'm willing to break the bank for no matter what, it's Ocarina – my Ocarina Link statue says hello.

So you can imagine how excited I became upon learning that Robin Williams and his daughter – Zelda(!) – were lending their talents to the latest commercial for Link's epic 3D adventure. Yep, acclaimed actor Robin Williams is not only a huge Zelda fan, but actually named his first daughter after the beloved princess of Hyrule. That's some serious adoration, let me tell you. I'm impressed beyond words.

So to you Mr. Williams I say this: I have a new-found respect for you and all of your films. You, sir, might be the greatest actor the world has ever known for your taste in video games is as impeccable as your track record on the big screen. I take back every negative comment I may have erroneously directed at your stellar work. You are nothing short of perfection. But seriously, what's the deal with that giant Santa-like beard you're sporting? Seriously.

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ZELDA!!!

Professional Wrestling Used To Be So Great

Jeff Akervik — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 17:47:00 GMT

I used to be a fan of professional wrestling. I mean, a really big fan. I had the t-shirts, the posters, the video games – WWF No Mercy is still the greatest wrestling game ever, by the way – heck, I even owned the complete Wrestlemania set on fricken VHS. Yep, I soaked it all in back then for one simple reason – these gutsy warriors of the squared circle were infallible gods in my eyes. They performed with such unbridled charisma, physical prowess, and unrelenting determination that one couldn't help but be sucked into their overly dramatic lives that played out on a weekly basis. Hulk Hogan, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, Sting, Randy "The Macho Man" Savage, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin – these were but some of the names that kept me glued to the television week in and week out. The feuds, the backstabbing, the clash of good versus evil. It always seemed to unfold in ways that, well, were perfectly scripted. How ironic, right?

So how can something that is supposed to be set up from the get-go for success fail so miserably at times? Yeah, I know, it keeps me up at night too. But let's not worry ourselves obsessing over something for which we'll never truly understand. Instead, let's just revel in the moments when it all just falls apart in one giant blaze of glory. And they call these guys professionals...

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Even funnier is the WWE lampooning the whole Shockmaster debacle a couple years back...

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I bet I know what you're thinking: Why did I ever stop watching wrestling in the first place? I know, I'm starting to question that very same thing myself.

What Is Your State The Worst At?

Jeff Akervik — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 20:18:00 GMT

Ever had one of those days where you're just sitting around with nothing to do and all of the sudden a curious thought pops into your head? Something like, "I know my home state is so great and all, but what – if anything – is my state the worst at?" Yeah, me too. Thankfully the people over at pleated-jeans.com heard our cry for fairly useless, if not disturbing, information and complied it into one nice little list. Below you'll find fodder useful for making fun of anyone from any state you may encounter on your life's journey. Some are much, much worse than others.

For example, Minnesota being the worst at tornadoes (read: we had more reported tornadoes than any other state in 2010) isn't all that embarrassing when you consider it's pretty much out of our control. If anything, it makes us appear that much more rugged...or perhaps it causes people to question why we live here. Either way, I'd take the honor of tornado haven any day over any of the achievements our neighboring states so dutifully mustered up. Wisconsin: Binge drinking (big surprise), North Dakota: Ugliest residents (that's a harsh one), South Dakota: Rape (never a good thing), and Iowa: State with the most old people (that explains a lot). Yeah, we have it good here in the land of 10,000 lakes. It's ok to be jealous – I understand.

Oh but trust me, the list only gets better from here. Some notable highlights include Washington leading the pack when it comes to the savory subject of bestiality, Louisiana knocking it out of the ballpark with some gonorrhea love, Utah and its never-ending porn addiction, and Maine forgetting where its brain went. Good times.

Me? I think I'll stay in Minnesota and take my chances with mother nature.

Let the ridiculing begin.

What Could Have Been

Jeff Akervik — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 00:26:00 GMT

Over the past year I've been slowly working my way through my pile of shame – the games I own, but have, for one reason or another, neglected. Suffice to say, it's been a very enjoyable journey as I've played through some truly great titles. And while a couple of the games in said pile were purchased as a result of my own eager anticipation, most were obtained thanks to a healthy dose of high praise by fellow gamers. But from where does this high praise emanate? Why do certain games strike a chord with a select group of people and miss the mark with others?

Sure, a gamer's preference is by far the biggest factor at play here. Their affinity towards a certain genre, franchise, character, and/or control scheme most definitely colors their perception of whatever title they interact with; that much is a given. But what about the context in which the game itself is played? Had I played a certain game ten years earlier, would I have enjoyed it any more thoroughly with less gaming history under my belt? Furthermore, would said game have made a greater impact on me overall and/or lessened my opinion of titles I would eventually play down the road?

Confused? Annoyed? Disturbed? Let me explain...

So like I was saying earlier, I've been slowly making my way through my shameful pile. A couple of the titles I chose to tackle first are, by most accounts, the definition of video game excellence: The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and Chrono Trigger. Games that, by and large, not only helped set many gaming standards, but perfected them as well. Anyone I had ever talked to who played either of these two titles spoke glowingly of them (which is no surprise seeing how they're always an integral part of every media outlet's "Greatest Games of All-Time" lists). Yep, these were two supposed "can't miss" games and I was about to finally experience them for myself.

Now I'm no gaming snob when it comes to the age of a particular title – a great game is a great game no matter how old it is. But I was worried – or maybe mildly concerned is a better way of putting it – that playing A Link to the Past and Chrono Trigger so far removed from their heyday would somehow minimize their impact on me. Granted, it's an assumption, but I tend to think that most people/publications/media outlets that wax poetic about titles such as these do so because they were fortunate (smart) enough to have played them back when they were truly landmark titles. But what about now? How would they stand up to the countless titles I've played in the years since their release? Would the experience be just as affecting compared to those people who originally played these gems over 15 years ago?

I was hoping for the best, but preparing for the not-so-best. For as much as I knew I had to play A Link to the Past and Chrono Trigger (as any self-respecting, well-rounded gamer should, right?), I knew deep down they probably wouldn't join those select rank of games I've placed high on that ever-so-exclusive pedestal. You know those titles – the ones that leave a certain indelible mark on your psyche, forever altering the way you perceive video games as a whole. They're the titles that help define you as a gamer and, as a result, shape the manner in which you approach and consume all within this beloved medium and beyond. And for countless people, A Link to the Past and Chrono Trigger are the titles that have done just that. But why not me?

I'll tell you why – context.

You see, as affecting as these two titles were for so many people, they were less so for me. Now please don't get me wrong, A Link to the Past and Chrono Trigger are two very superb games – even by today's standards. But when all was said and done, they were just merely two great games in my eyes. And that's when a sobering realization started to wash over me – I had already experienced my groundbreaking, redefining masterpieces elsewhere.

Had I played A Link to the Past back when it came out in 1992, it's very likely Link's epic journey between the Light and Dark World would have been the game that completely captured my imagination in ways I had never experienced before, thus cementing my undying love for the Zelda series. Parallel worlds, multi-level dungeons, a more mature, darker storyline, a wider variety of weapons/items to utilize – all tried-and-true staples of the Zelda catalog were born from A Link to the Past. And yet because I skipped over this installment due to my insane loyalty to the Sega Genesis, I missed out entirely. A Link to the Past would not be the integral title in my gaming epoch to heavily influence my views as a gamer. No, that lofty honor would eventually go to 1998's The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. And yet, if you look closely, you'll recognize that Ocarina of Time is – when all is said and done – really nothing more than a 64-bit upgrade of A Link to the Past. Most of, if not all, of the elements that made Ocarina great are present and accounted for in A Link to the Past – minus the 3rd dimension. But because I played Ocarina of Time before I ever laid a hand on A Link to the Past, Ocarina gets bestowed all of my gaming love and adoration while A Link to the Past ended up feeling like more of a 2-D retread (in the best of ways of course!). How easily, though, it could have all been all so different.

The story plays out the same with regards to Chrono Trigger as well. It could have been – and perhaps should have been – the role-playing game by which I would eventually judge all others. Yet it was 1997's juggernaut that was Final Fantasy VII that opened my eyes to the wonderful and bizarre rapture that is JRPGs. The result? To this day, despite how better or worse for wear VII may be nowadays, I still hold it of the highest regard. Cloud and Co. provided me with some of my fondest gaming memories because, at the time, I had never played or experienced anything like it. Had I popped a Chrono Trigger cartridge into an SNES back in '95, I most likely would have gotten the same type of thrill, only with a different cast of characters. But I didn't and Final Fantasy VII ended getting all of my accolades even though it shares so many of the superlative qualities found in Chrono Trigger. Ah the possibilities.

Just think, instead of Aeris gracing my desk here at work, I could be paying homage to Marle or Frog. Heck, I'll take it even further – had I played Final Fantasy VI before either of these two games came out then perhaps I'd have an affinity for Locke or Celes. And while all of these aforementioned games are truly superb, it's the context in which I played them (or in FFVI's case, not at all) that ended up influencing my gaming perception much more than I had ever realized.

Yes, Ocarina of Time and Final Fantasy VII are great games, but they are partially so because, to me, they were also the first of their kind. An immersive, enthralling experience the likes of which I had never witnessed before. Perhaps someday down the road another stellar title will come along and finally knock Ocarina or FFVII from their lofty perch, but I'm not holding my breath. Stuff like this just gets ingrained into you. And while I don't have regrets going about my gaming the way I have over the years, I'll always stop and pause every now and then to wonder what could have been.

The Arrival Of Fierce Deity Link

Jeff Akervik — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 01:12:00 GMT

A couple years back I received my very first "high quality" gaming-related statue in the form of Link from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I figured (pun!) it was time to take my love for the Zelda franchise to the next level – whatever that means. And so began a quest to try and flesh out an acceptable, if not slightly impressive, collection of gaming personas cast in wide array of materials. Ooh, how fun! But as I soon learned, such an endeavor wouldn't be cheap. As a result, I had to limit myself to those particular statues that really struck a chord with me as a gamer, quasi-nerd, and french fry lover. Yes, it is quite a burden indeed.

So following in the footsteps of my inaugural Link statue, I posted a blog pondering which bad ass piece I should attempt to acquire next. As you can see, some of my choices were somewhat lofty. OK, most of them were, but I pressed on regardless; and with a little patience and a massive amount of fortitude (and help from my wife), slowly but surely they've started to roll in.

Aerith was the second statue to come breezing through my door. A gorgeous piece to be sure, her pose perfectly encapsulates her graceful, brave demeanor right before she was turned into a human shish kebab. Absolutely love it – the statue, not the shish kebab part. (Oh wait, spoiler alert??? Gah. By the way, when does the statute of limitations run out on that? Seriously. 20 years? 40 years? When I'm dead? In the meantime, I apologize to anyone for whom I so carelessly disrespected by divulging the timeless secret that is Aerith's demise. Oh wait, is that another spoiler? I assumed the whole human shish kebab thing pretty much sealed the deal. Anyway, moving on.)

First OoT Link and then Aerith – not a bad start if I do say so myself. But there's been one statue I've had my eye on from the first moment I plumbed the depths of poly-stone gaming goodness. A statue that I never even dared to dream would one day reside in my possession. A statue that strikes fear and awe into any man, woman, child, dog, fly, soda pop can, and sock that foolishly enters its gaze. A statue by which all other statues are ultimately judged by and thereby destroyed. That's right, Fierce Deity Link (of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask fame) has entered the building.

I will say that this is hands down the most impressive statue I've seen in person. He's much larger than I anticipated and that only adds to the imposing sense of dread he evokes while sitting on my desk. Even as we speak, I'm worried he's going to bury that giant sword of his right into my mouse hand. Yes, I said 'mouse hand'. We all have one. It's the hand you use to operate the mouse of a computer. Without it, you're a goner and can't adequately access Facebook.

So other than my constant fear of what Fierce Deity may or may not do next, I can't help but marvel at his grandness. In fact, I was so stoked when I finally received him that I immediately hopped online and proceeded to add the next piece to my burgeoning collection – because I'm crazy like that. I'll divulge more details when she arrives some time later this year – that is, of course, unless you're oh so clever enough to figure it out on your own. It's not exactly brain surgery. Here's a sneak peak:

Ooh! The anticipation builds! Now if I can only muster up enough discipline to land that epic Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark resin statue without losing my mouse hand in the process.

What Game Should I Play Next?

Jeff Akervik — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 23:27:00 GMT

I've been noticing an unfortunate trend with my gaming habits over the past couple of years and thought I'd share it with you, our loyal GI audience. It goes a little something like this: You're deeply engrossed in a particular game when, while in the midst of this bliss, another title you've been anticipating eagerly trots itself out on to store shelves. Now, in the back of your mind you know you should just play it cool, wait it out, and finish the game you're currently playing. Why sabotage what is obviously a perfectly fun and satisfying experience (hopefully) with the temptation of another game that, if important enough to you, you'll eventually play anyway? Seems like sound logic, no? Unfortunately, I choose not to subscribe to such commonsense wisdom. And what do I get for my inability to quell this impulsive behavior? A stack of games all clamoring for my attention. This problem is further compounded by the fact that I, on average, devote perhaps a mere one or two hours a day to gaming. Seems ironic, doesn't it? I agree. And it also seems very counterproductive as well. But I persist regardless.

Yet it is in that moment – when I'm finally ready to move on to a new title – that I realize just how many options I have. And that's when it all breaks down.

What do I do? Nothing.

Yes, nothing.

It's as if the choice is too daunting because there are, well, just too many of them. Yeah, I know – poor me. There are greater tragedies in life, I get that. But if I can't talk about this in my blog, then what good is the interweb, anyway? Heck, it's taking all of my willpower right now not to run out and grab a copy of New Vegas as we speak (another game to add to the never-ending pile – great!). I know, like I need another open world, 60+ hour game vying for my attention. And yet, the allure refuses to die. Before I can even entertain the idea of purchasing that glitch-filled seductress, I've gotta knock another title off of my to-do list. And that's where you, dear reader, come in.

What follows are eight "new" games that sit on my shelf day-in and day-out, waiting for their turn to amaze me with their brilliance, annoy me with their trappings, and – most importantly – keep me from doing anything truly productive. So help me choose, won't you? I need to stare at the wall a bit more...

1. God of War III
Just got this bad boy a couple days ago. I was too busy back in the spring (when the game initially came out) with Heavy Rain, Spirit Tracks, and Half-Life 2 to give this game its proper due (awesome rhyme there). Considering the fact that I'm absolutely in love with Darksiders, I have to only assume Kratos's latest romp shares many of the same bloodlust-worthy gameplay traits as War's magnificent massacre fest. This game received ridiculously good scores when it came out so I think it's safe to bet I'll have a grand old time. I played the first one on PS2 and – except for the infuriating spinning spike traversing – loved every minute of it. So why haven't I play this yet?!

2. Super Mario Galaxy
Another example in a long list of classic examples in which I start playing a game only to drop it after a couple hours, never to return. It wasn't like I wasn't enjoying my time bouncing around those little planets. Quite the contrary. It was a blast, and had enough charm to even keep my wife's attention from time to time, which – trust me – doesn't happen very often when it comes to video games. But then, just like that, I was done with it. Call it the curse of the Wii, but I'd like to attribute it to a little something I call "a severe case of Zelda-michtriptomania." Once you're afflicted, you just have to – literally – let it play out. And boy, did I ever let it play itself out (A Link to the Past, Minnish Cap, Phantom Hourglass, and Spirit Tracks – DS for the win!). Sorry Mario, you cannot and never will be able to compete with a young boy in white tights and a green tunic. You also can't compete with the ability to play your adventure while taking a dump. All class, ladies and gentlemen.

But now that Link has been put to bed until the release of Skyward Sword, perhaps it's time to give Mario the credit he so richly deserves. Eh?

3. Far Cry 2
Ok, I've had this thing sitting on my shelf for a solid two years. And that's precisely the problem: Far Cry 2 was most likely a darn good title back in the summer of '08, but I fear Father Time has not been kind to this open world first-person shooter. Perhaps I'm wrong? My old man would sure think so. Just this past weekend he was endlessly singing the praise of this game, proudly proclaiming it his favorite game of all-time. Yeah, pretty heavy stuff. Mind you, this is the same person that, while playing the first Far Cry, would get extreme joy out of sneaking up behind his adversaries and stabbing them to death in the rear end. Nice to meet you, Sgt. Sodomizer.

But he swears by what he claims to be the perfect mix of open world freedom and meaty, satisfying gunplay. It most certainly sounds intriguing enough – why else would I have bought it in the first place? But I fear the likes of BioShock and my recent playthrough of Half-Life 2 would leave me severely wanting when it comes to Far Cry 2. Am I wrong?

Don't answer that, Dad.

4. BioShock 2
Another first-person shooter that may very well never see the light of day or the mastery of my trigger finger. I had high hopes for this one, but my enthusiasm has waned with each and every passing month. At first I was delighted to be given the opportunity to once again explore the hauntingly beautiful yet macabre world of Rapture. I was enamored with the first BioShock, so in my mind the sequel was a no-brainer. But that soon became the biggest hurdle for me to try and look past; the fact that it was a sequel when Ken Levine and company never intended for there to be one in the first place. And then I started to become very skeptical – afraid of what the overall experience of 2 might do to my love of the original. You might laugh, but it's not something to take lightly. Just ask any fan of Star Wars and/or Indiana Jones how well George Lucas has carried on the legacy of those franchises in recent years and you'll understand my hesitation. There aren't any vines or man-eating ants in Rapture, are there?

And yet, there is a part of me that really wants to experience Rapture again, in a different manner. And BioShock 2 supposedly delivers just that, but at what cost? It's like Pandora's Box: you'll never know what you'll actually get and, once you open her up, there's no going back. I want the original BioShock to remain the cohesive, singular piece of gaming mastery that it is. If the sequel won't tarnish that reputation, then I'm sprinting for the nearest bathysphere pronto. Otherwise, BioShock 2 will remain a box I'd rather leaved permanently closed.

5. Assassin's Creed II
Remember the part earlier about Super Mario Galaxy's demise? Yeah, the same thing happened with this one as well. What's even more egregious in this particular case is that I've been to Italy multiple times and a big part of what sold me on Assassin's Creed II was how fully realized the cities of Florence and Venice supposedly were. The small time I spent causing bloody havoc in Florence was proof enough that the developer's most certainly did their due diligence – and yet it wasn't enough to hold my attention (see: Zelda-michtriptomania).

Oh well, I know this is one I need to play at some point just based on my Italy obsession alone. And the imminent release of Brotherhood has me even more stoked seeing as it takes place in my favorite city ever, Rome. It's like they do it on purpose. Go back to creating fake worlds, developers! Stop messing with my beloved reality!

6. Grand Theft Auto IV
GTA IV was the very first PS3 game I purchased. In fact, I got it well before I ever had an actual PS3. How stupid is that? I guess I must have been excited to play this one. So excited that I never once thought it bizarre to buy a game without at least having the intention of getting the required system any time soon. Yep, GTA IV came out in May of 2008 and I finally landed a PS3 by that August. That's over three months of me just staring at the box art. After a while, stuff like staring at box art tends to get a little boring, if not downright pathetic. And as result, my enthusiasm for the game eventually died off. When I finally did get a PS3, it was Modern Warfare that got all of my attention. Poor Niko.

GTA IV is one of those games I've been meaning to play for a long time, but for some reason can never fully commit. Perhaps it's the time investment or the constant baby-sitting you have to perform with certain characters or the nagging fear that those tried-and-true GTA mission annoyances will rear their ugly heads again – who knows? The point is, if I'm skeptical about a game, then why bother taking the plunge? But perhaps I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. By and large, most people seemed to thoroughly enjoy their experience in Liberty City and perhaps I would as well – albeit over two years later. It's just hard to fathom this game holding up well to the likes of, say, Red Dead Redemption – a game that practically everyone whole-heartedly agrees is better than GTA IV is almost every conceivable way. Why even bother? Ah... why indeed!

And speaking of Red Dead Redemption...

7. Red Dead Redemption
Yep, haven't played this one either. I know, right? But I was clever enough to buy it when it came out even though I knew I wasn't going to touch it for months (why?). Red Dead was tough, too, because I dabbled with it for a little while just to see if all the universal praise it received was justified. Bad move.

I was immediately sucked in to that time suck and found myself at that ever-so crucial tipping point: Either surrender myself completely to John Marston or resist the urge and finish what I had started a couple weeks earlier – Half-Life 2 and its two subsequent Episodes (not exactly a gaming lightweight to be sure). The fact that I was debating ditching Gordon Freeman for the wide open expanses of the wild west at all is proof enough of the allure that is Red Dead Redemption, but that was three months ago and here I sit – and still no Red Dead. Nope, instead I gravitated towards the likes of Portal, Killzone 2, and now the aforementioned Darksiders. And I know why, too – time. These are all short games and short games fit into my schedule much better than those of the longer variety. That's not to say I don't like titles that require a large investment of your waking hours (hello, Fallout 3), but there's something foreboding knowing you're about to venture into a game that, based on my gaming schedule, could essentially last for months and months on end. To some that might be a wish come true, but I find it almost a hindrance. Especially when there's a handful of other games coming out in the next couple of months I'd very much like to my hands on. (As you can probably tell, I don't do well with multiple games at once, in case you hadn't noticed by now. Yay, me.)

And yet it just seems as though this game is far too compelling to ignore and that, at some point, I'll have to succumb entirely. A fate worse than death some might say...

8. The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Noticing a trend here? Yeah, me too. And no, it's not my clever humor.

Yep, another massive open world game. Funny how I rail against the whole time commitment issue when talking about Red Dead and other large open world games, and yet I continue to purchase them. I perplex even myself.

Oblivion... coming off the high that was Fallout 3, I thought why not delve into some more Bethesda gaming goodness? Seemed highly logical at the time. But just like every other game on this list, I had no intention of actually playing it right away. Nope. I was, of course, busy playing something else. I just liked the "high" of buying it. Sweet. So off on to the shelf it went and two years later it's still collecting dust.

By today's standards, Oblivion appears rather antiquated. I can't say for sure, but I worry that a game made four years ago, during the genesis of the 360, won't carry the same weight as your more recent open world games. If Fallout 3 had annoyances when it came to gameplay and graphics, I can only assume that Oblivion will have them in spades, no? But the medieval setting and character customization really intrigued me at the time and I find the world of Cyrodiil much more compelling than, say, the urban atmosphere of a GTA IV. I just don't know...

Has time been kind to this legendary giant or is it a quest best left in the past?

And there you have it. So which one will it be? First-person mayhem? Globe-trotting whimsy? Or perhaps open world exploration? I'm counting on you guys to guide me towards what will hopefully be my next great gaming triumph! Don't mess it up.

But don't worry, I won't hold it against you if you do.

Behold The Beauty III: And Boom Goes The Dynamite

Jeff Akervik — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 22:18:00 GMT

And here we go again: To that wonderful place where putrid design and insane marketing strategy come together to form what can only be described as a visual abortion. This third iteration of Behold The Beauty (the first two can be found here and here) features some interesting creative choices – a rabbit, male bonding, and genetic abnormalities, to name a few – and the results are simply stupendous. Or just plain stupid.

So follow along as we uncover ten more diabolically deranged covers in our never-ending quest to find the elusive answer to that one singular question – why?

Growing up as a kid, I had ample experience dealing with misbehaving pets. Thankfully, none of them resembled the likes of Bad Cat; otherwise I would have just settled for a pet rock.

Just look at him. If the Rambo-like headband, hip shades, and spiked wristband doesn't give you any indication of this feline's propensity for mischief then surely his spray-painting skills will. Never mind the fact that this cat not only knows how to wield spray paint and spell (I'm sure all bad cats and dogs and hamsters can do that), but this guy has the gumption to boldly state that he is, in fact, "bad" right there on a brick wall by which he so happens to be hanging out – Michael Jackson style. Oh, and in case you didn't know, he did you the favor of letting you know that he is, indeed, a cat. Don't want any confusion here. Good thing too, because I'm already perplexed as to what he's holding in his left paw. Is that string cheese? A stick of butter? Or perhaps a lighter? Don't tell me this cat smokes as well?! Or maybe he's into pyro. Perhaps the four debauchery thought bubbles he's throwing our way will give us some insight into his shenanigans. (Just as a side note, all great designers use bubbles as an effective and totally appropriate visual tool for delving into the psyche on an individual or, in this case, a cat.)

Yet further investigation reveals that the antics found inside said bubbles do anything but reinforce the notion that this cat is indeed "bad." Falling off a beach ball? Throwing an unidentifiable object into a garbage can? Jumping off a stool? Please. I do these things all the time and never once have I had the urge to proclaim myself a "bad human" on some random brick wall. Look at how scared s***less Bad Cat is while falling off that beach ball. You've got to be kidding me. Bad Cat? More like Lame Idiot.

Oh yeah, that Rainbow Arts logo ain't nothing to write home about either. Another winner.

This cover is weirdly creepy if you look at it long enough.

When did Mr. T start sporting a Peter Pan costume? Check out that dude on the left. Look at his eyes. (!!!) Yeah, I made the same mistake. Another interesting observation – when did women's legs become bigger then their midsection? She must do a ton of squats. Strangely, her left breast is twice the size of her right one. Yet her left leg seems smaller then her right leg. Good times. The artist might have wanted to consult a real life model to work out those annoying little proportional quirks. Or maybe that's how your typical elf woman is built. I mean, with her pirate eye patch, giant man hand, and Sasquatch-like legs, she's the most masculine, toughest looking elf of the bunch. Actually, it almost looks like they're posing for a WWE promo shoot. That title isn't too far off either: Elfmania = WrestleMania.

Wait a minute...

Over-the-top costumes, make believe characters, ripped muscles, intimidating poses, a sense of urgency in the air, the feeling you're about to get ripped off. Coincidence? I think not. This has wrestling written all over it. Elf wrestling!

Just don't look at those eyes.

The most paramount creative technique to use when it comes to the selling and marketing of games (or anything for that matter) – I just don't understand why more designers don't utilize such a proven tactic – is without a doubt the insanely large nose render. You slap a freakishly honker of a nose on your product's packaging and I guarantee people will flock to it en masse. Think about it, everyone loves a nose that's the size of baby's head. It's just so attractive and inviting. Even that dog on the cover is obsessed with it; like he's about to hump the guy's face right there on the spot.

You look at this box art and start to wonder what the intended focus of the game really is. The dog? Or the schnoz that has the potential to block out the sun. That guy's teeth could use some work too. Looks like he chewed on a pen a bit too long. Mmm, ink. He needs a lady friend. But it's not like the dog is without faults of its own: Check out that giant torso. Yep, a little too big for such a seemingly small head. Poor pooch. He was also unfortunately saddled with a pair of giant bat wing-like ears. Yeesh. What kind of dog is this?

Yep, "big" seems to be the theme of the day for Scrapyard Dog. Even the title itself was apparently too large and thus curves, ever so elegantly, down to the left – buckling under the weight of the ten ton boulder strapped to that guy's face. Looks great too. Nothing sloppy about it at all. Oh well, at least we've got a wonderful sun burst to help catch our eye. As if that nose wasn't enough of a focal point as it is.

A man and his love for a dog. Let nothing come between them.... other than that nose.

Aww, look how cute those little ballet shoes look all tucked away behind the My Ballet Studio logo. I'm glad they're there, otherwise I'd have a hard time figuring out just what type of studio this is. I also really like the tiara the older ballet dancer is sporting. Nice touch. And that little girl, isn't she just the cutest? Look at her graceful posture, those adorable almond-like eyes, the way she's so elegantly extending her arms...

Wait a minute, where's her right arm?!

No.

My Hatred Of Inane Save/Checkpoint Systems (And Other Grumblings)

Jeff Akervik — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 23:52:00 GMT

A couple weeks back I finally gave Darksiders a whirl and was immediately drawn into its ghoulish post-apocolyptic world. War's (the game's main character) story of redemption and revenge – while not terribly original – was enough of a hook to keep me fairly engaged, yet it was the many traits the title shares with my beloved Legend of Zelda series that ultimately made me go coo coo for Cocoa Puffs. Everything from the level design (theme-based temples anyone?) to the gameplay (z-targeting, silky-smooth and enjoyable combat, riding around on the equivalent of Epona's steriod-laden doppelganger, collecting ever-so handy items at just the right time, etc.) to the boss battles (hello handy item I recently found, now's your time to shine), Darksiders is imbued with Zelda character through and through. And as you might imagine, I couldn't be happier. That is, until I got a good taste of the save/checkpoint system developer Vigil Games decided to utilize for the title. Son of a...

I got my first taste of the brilliance that is the Darksiders save/checkpoint system when I ran across a cute little foe named Trauma. While the encounter itself isn't all that significant, what should be noted is the fact that after I died I was ever so lovingly transported back to what was my supposed checkpoint. And as the game would have it, that certain checkpoint wasn't anywhere near the place I was when I bit the big one. Awesome. So not only did I have to travel all the way back to the location of my forthcoming battle with Trauma, but I also had to deal any annoying little minions along the way. All in all, it took a good couple of minutes of me wasting my life away before I was actually back in the thick of things with Trauma – talk about a buzz-kill. And, to make matters worse, upon reaching Trauma I had to sit through the same canned animation of that pile of crap appearing out of nowhere a half mile down some road and subsequently throwing a car at me. There was no way to skip this sequence. I had to watch it in its entirety again.

Ok, so let's get this straight: You're going to punish me for dying (because dying in and of itself isn't punishment enough, obviously) by making me trek all the way back to the point in which I had just lost my life only to make me sit through a sequence I've already seen and have absolutely no interest in seeing again? What year is this, 1997? This type of game design should be dead and long gone by now. And yet here we are in the year 2010. What am I missing here? Is this some lame attempt to artificially increase the play time of the game or do the developers have a little sadism coursing through their veins? Not being able to skip certain cutscenes after having already viewed them – multiple times?! I thought such a narcissistic mentality regarding game design died long ago with the likes of other bloated titles such as Final Fantasy VIII. How is it that tactics that do nothing more than bog down and undermine a player's overall experience continue to persist in this day and age? It just boggles the mind.

But that's only half of it. Unfortunately there's another facet of Darksiders that gets under my skin – the manner in which the game tracks your progress should you save then quit and come back to play at a later point in time. I assumed (silly me) that – like any other sane-minded game – should you save in a particular spot, the game (upon loading your saved data) would deliver you to the exact same spot with any and all progress achieved (items collected, levers pulled, etc.) the next time you booted the title up. I mean, that seems to be the general trend more and more games are embracing these days. Anyway, so here I am working my way through the Twilight Cathedral (simply sublime level design, by the way) and loving every minute of it when I come across a puzzle-based room that has me stumped. I figure out about half the puzzle – placing certain bombs here, pulling certain levers there – and collect some random power-up items before deciding to quit for the night. Thus I save my game with the full belief that, upon booting up the game the next time I play, I'll start out in the exact location with everything I've collected and done up to said save point intact.

Wrong.

Some Of My Favorite Video Game Tunes

Jeff Akervik — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 17:52:00 GMT

A couple weekends ago I was able to catch a fair amount of the Video Games Live broadcast on PBS. It was an entertaining and impressive presentation – albeit when PBS wasn't on their hands and knees begging for a dollar – and if you have yet to experience it for yourself, I highly recommend you do so. Their rendition of Chrono Cross' "Scars of Time" was the highlight of the show for me. It was exquisite and propelled me to throw on the rose-colored glasses as I reminisced about my time traipsing around El Nido. Ironic too, since I don't necessarily think all that highly of Serge and Co's outing on the PlayStation. Funny how a great song can elicit such a strong reaction. And then I got to thinking that there's a good number of video game songs that not only do I like, but love. So why not list 'em out so everyone can either make fun of me or tell me I'm cool?

Well, make a list I did, and the result are the songs that follow. While this isn't a comprehensive list by any means, it is a good smattering of those tunes culled from my gaming history that struck a chord (and continue to do so) in me like few have.

Xenogears – "Omen"

The venerable RPG cult classic about a bunch of guys running around in giant gears trying to save the planet from....eh......something. To this day I still don't know half of what went on during my time with Xenogears. Aside from the convoluted nightmare that is the MGS storyline, Xenogears attempt to confuse and dumbfound me every step of the way succeeded brilliantly. Something about the Wave Existence and this thing called Deus. Oh, and there was a lot of talk about religion and the lead protagonist, Fei, suffered from the ever-so-common RPG affliction of memory loss. Fun stuff.

Just like Fei, I don't remember much from playing this gem way back in early '99. I do, however, recall the ascension of Babel Tower. Reducing your gears to the mere size of ants, Babel Tower was both enchanting in its decor as it was foreboding in its trappings. Yet it was the inclusion of the song "Omen" that truly made this part of the game establish its own unique identity. The juxtaposition of a delicate piano verse and an ominous synthesizer backdrop coalesce into a chillingly beautiful set piece that helps the tower establish its foreboding identity. One of my all-time favorites.

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Quake II – "Descent Into Cerberon"

Oh man, just hearing this song makes me want to go on a murderous rampage. Few songs, let alone complete soundtracks, so perfectly typify mood and gameplay the way Quake II's list of testosterone-induced techno metal does. I clearly remember the days playing this beast on my old Pentium II rig with the volume cranked, mowing down hoards of Stroggs. And then "Descent Into Cerberon" would come on and all h*** would break loose. Many times my inadvertent headbanging would get me killed, but that's the price you pay for being so ***. Just imagine playing Halo or CoD to crap like this. My lord. How much cooler would those games be?!

I miss the good old days of shooters like Quake II. The premise was oh so simple: Kill or be killed. "Descent Into Cerberon" made that task a pleasure.

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Half-Life 2: Episode 2 – "Sector Sweep"

Probably my favorite tune from all of Half-Life 2 and its episodic brethren. Nothing like a nice, groovy beat to assail and/or outrun the Combine to. Not to mention those *** Striders and Hunters. Man, do I hate those Striders. But man, do I love this game. (Semi-spoiler ahead)

Emerging from the barn after your first little run-in with an Advisor, "Sector Sweep" helps set the stage for yet another frantic showdown with the Combine. Nothing like popping a couple thousand bullets in some baddies and then high-taling it outta Dodge via that Frankensteined 1969 Charger to get the adrenaline pumping. What a sweet ride. The music perfectly fit the mood of the action – or should I say chaos – unfolding all around you.

One of the most memorable scenes in all of HL2 for me. A perfect song for an unforgettable sequence.

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The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks – "Overworld Theme"

Now this is one catchy song! I'd cruise around in my little train for hours just humming along to this happy little ditty. Certain people around the GI office found the main mode of travel a little tedious (*cough*Reiner*cough*) and while it may not have been the most ideal method for exploring Hyrule, one cannot deny the charm "Overworld Theme" bestowed upon your exploration. Yeah, hunting for those *** rabbits got to be a tad bit exhausting, but this song made those few successes and countless failures to net one of those pesky cotton-tailed rascals a little more bearable. Why? Because no matter the outcome, I'd get to listen to the song all over again! I'd just go galavanting around the countryside, tooting my train's horn in tandem with the beat of the song. It doesn't get much nerdier than that, but I just couldn't help it. It's just so catchy!

"Overworld Theme" might not conform to the "traditional" overworld theme of previous Zelda titles, but that doesn't make it any less enjoyable.

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Final Fantasy X-2 – "Eternity ~Memory of Lightwaves~"

Who would have thought that one of my favorite songs from a video game would hail from the JRPG pop/dress-up/schmaltz-fest that is Final Fantasy X-2. Not that it's a bad game per se, but it was so saccharine sweet that it gave me a toothache. It's just that it was hard to take the YuRiPa crew seriously – what with all the dancing and singing they were doing while romping throughout Spira – a stark contrast to its prequel FFX. But you wouldn't get that vibe upon first booting up the game. Nope, instead of conjuring up feelings of Barbie's Play Time, you're treated to what is without question the most memorable and, quite frankly, stunning song in the entire game. Too bad it's wasted in the opening title sequence. Come again?

Yep, the geniuses over at Square decided "Eternity ~Memory of Lightwaves~" was best suited to occupy the space most gamers pass over the quickest: The title screen. It's too bad, because "Eternity" is an absolutely gorgeous song that deserved to have more attention and emphasis placed upon it. Why such a breathtaking melody was relegated to such a minor role, let alone a light-hearted game, is beyond me. You're telling me the more serious, story-focused FFX wouldn't have been a better vehicle for this song to thrive in? Seriously? I digress, but the sheer excellence of "Eternity" and the emotions it evokes cannot be understated.

FFX-2's greatest achievement.

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Quite Possibly The Best Worst Movie Ever Made

Jeff Akervik — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 23:30:00 GMT

A few years back, my future wife and I were looking for something to watch on the boob tube when we innocently stumbled upon a movie that, within minutes, had us dumbfounded. (On a side note: Whoever chose to broadcast this movie on tv in the 21st century must have been out of their minds.) Neither of us had ever seen the likes of it before and immediately became entranced in its numerous dubious qualities. More specifically, the film's "interesting" take on the supposed roller skating boom going on in southern California (heck, the entire country?) in the late 1970s. Mix that enticing plot device with the irresistible allure that is disco music, throw in some tried-and-true youthful rebellion coupled with a ridiculously cheesy love story and you've got a classic in the making. What movie is it, you might be asking? Well, it's the only one gutsy enough to use the tagline "Love on Wheels" in its promotion. Wow.

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Not to be confused with Boogie Nights, Boogie Woogie, High Roller, or even Boogie Man, Roller Boogie's main attraction is, you guessed it, roller skating. It's all these people do. Getting around town? Strap on the skates. Picking up women? It can only be done with four wheels on each foot. Walking up and down stairs, making out on a dumpster, inexplicably performing handstands on a bench, being chased by a limousine full of gun-wielding mobsters, throwing vegetables at said mobsters – it's all performed while sporting their roller skates. Roller skates! And the movie is the more ridiculous and better for it. Oh, and it stars Linda Blair, too.

Yes, there's drama, love, betrayal, comedy (intentional and not) – all the components needed for a great film to come to fruition. But it's the roller skating that gets more of a push than any other element in the movie – by a long shot. And I get it, the activity is a central factor to the lives of the characters (although how they manage to make a living is beyond me) as well as the plot in general, but Roller Boogie will, without warning, morph into nothing more than a psychotic video showcase of how cool roller skating apparently was back in the late 70's. Happen to notice that promo was practically wall-to-wall skating? Yeah. Some of the stuff you'll see performed on said skates will blow your mind and leave you laughing your a** off. Don't believe me? Then take a look at this next video. This is the first roughly four minutes of Roller Boogie. I'm not kidding.

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We now own this movie on DVD.