GIJeff Blog

My Basement Is A Super-Classy Basement (NSFW?)

2011-11-24T18:01:00Z

It may be hard to believe this, but I’m a bit of a jackass. Even though I’m chronologically an adult and I do a lot of adult things (drive, own a house, embarrass my children), a large part of my personality never evolved past the eighth grade. That last bit is critically important to this story.

Fair warning: If you are extraordinarily sensitive, you may find this blog post offensive. It contains 8-bit nudity.

A little game called Leisure Suit Larry and the Land of the Lounge Lizards was released when I was in the eighth grade. While ostensibly an adult-oriented game, I can’t help but think that I was actually the target market. It was an adventure game (check!), it was available on the Amiga (check!), and it promised adult content of one form or another (CHECKCHECKCHECK!!!). What can I say; I was 13. I convinced my friend Graham to give it to me for my birthday, and life was great.

Anyway, if you’re not familiar with Leisure Suit Larry, it’s a game about a 40-ish loser who is trying his best to have…relations…with a woman. It’s really funny, and there’s not much in the game that couldn’t be broadcast today in prime time. The game’s set in Lost Wages (HAW HAW), and it starts out with Larry standing outside of Lefty’s Bar. It’s a seedy place, as you can see below.

It took forever for me to beat the game—mostly because my Amiga 500 didn’t have a hard drive, and loading off the 3.5” floppy disks took a long-ass time. I still had fond memories of it, and I thought about it from time to time.

Fast forward to last month.

My family was settling into our new house, and I was decking out the basement gaming/movie zone. The walls were bare, and I wanted to put something up. But what? Then inspiration struck!

A few weeks later, I finished work on the painting and hung it on the wall. It’s glorious. My wife hates it, which is a nice bonus. (I originally proposed that it would be hung over our bed. The basement position is a “compromise.”)

So that’s what I do with my free time. I have a lot of growing up to do.

On Grazing

2011-03-31T19:50:00Z

It used to be, when I got a new game I’d play it through to completion before moving on. A large part of that choice was economic – buying games was a luxury when I was a kid – but it was also how I liked to play. Why move onto something else if I could squeeze even a drop more entertainment from a game?

Now that I’m older, and there are so many great games vying for my time and attention, I find myself becoming more of a grazer. If I’m not playing a game for review, I’ll bounce between several games in the same time frame. Here are some of the games I’m currently juggling, along with my lame excuses for why I haven’t just settled in and beaten each one. Yet.

Am I alone here? Do you guys have several games in your queue at any given time, or do you like to finish up a game before moving on?

Dragon Age II

I was pretty excited for this one, but it hasn't grabbed me the way Origins did. I've probably spent about five or six hours playing Dragon Age II so far. I haven't encountered anything as interesting as the monster in the screenshot, though. Phil Kollar tells me that encounters require a lot more strategy when you get further into the game, which is encouraging. As it stands, combat has been pretty dull. The story hasn't really kicked off, but I'm assuming that it's one of those slow-burn type things. This is probably highest on my "OK, it's time to put this thing to rest" list. It's a shame that it feels a lot like homework.

Crysis 2

Predator 2 is one of my favorite movies, so it wasn't surprising that I love Crysis 2's cloaking-enhanced suit. I'm trying to be as sneaky as possible, so I've been replaying the same dumb mission over and over again. I'm not sure if it's even possible to make it through the section without being detected. As it stands, I'll try it a few times before enemies start noticing me and I eventually get blown apart. If I approached it like a traditional shooter I'm sure I would have beaten this thing by now. I guess I'm stubborn sometimes.

Torchlight

This is my go-to game right now when I have a few minutes to kill. I can sit down and feel like I've made a little progress over a short period of time. I don't think I could sit down and plow through the entire game in one big ol' binge, but it's the perfect back-burner game for me.

LittleBigPlanet 2

I played the first few levels of this one with my son until it got too difficult for him (he's only four – cut him some slack). I continued by myself, but it's not as much fun as a single-player game. No, I haven't gone online and played with strangers. I'm too old and crabby for that. Maybe I'll have Tim Turi over sometime and we can knock out a few more levels.

Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing

Confession: Sometimes I remove the batteries from a controller and give it to my son. Then I play this game while he thinks he's actually racing. I've played through 60 of the missions this way, and he hasn't caught on yet. Did I already mention that he's only four and that you should cut him some slack?

Three Reasons Why Two Worlds II Is Awesome

2011-02-07T22:43:00Z

Two Worlds II is an open-world RPG designed for people who like to have fun. Here are three reasons why I'm having an absolute blast with it.

1. Ostriches
One of the first places you explore is a savanna, populated with rhinos, baboons, and warthogs. Also, there are ostriches. I can't think of many games that let you fight ostriches. If you headshot one with an arrow, sometimes the physics models act a bit goofy and the dead birds will shoot into the air. I'm not complaining about that.

2. Umbrellas
In the last quest I finished, I had to fight a bunch of demon-possessed umbrellas. They put up a pretty good fight, considering they were umbrellas.

3. Magic
I've read a few reviews of the game that say mages are underpowered. The people who say that obviously didn't stick around with the class, and I understand why. When you first start out, mages are underpowered. The thing is, when you level up your skills, you actually become better at being a mage. Pretty crazy, no? I wrote down what my mage typically does in battle, and it sounded like the insane rantings of a hyperventilating child.

That said, here's what my mage typically does in battle: He summons three death knights, and before they rush in to attack the bad guys he casts Eye for an Eye on them, which returns 380 percent of damage dealt to each death knight back to the bad guy. Then he runs around and backstabs enemies while they freak out and try to determine which death knight they should attack first. It is hilarious and satisfying.

Is Two Worlds II a perfect game? AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. Is it fun and rewarding for people who take the time to settle in with it and learn how to play? Heck yeah.

Remember Pac-Man 2? No? Then Check It Out

2010-11-27T16:25:00Z

When I was eight, my dad got me a handheld version of Pac-Man. This was amazing for a few reasons. First, it was 1981, and the world was still firmly in the grip of Pac-Man fever. The idea that I'd be able to play Pac-Man whenever I wanted was a pretty incredible idea--even if it wasn't exactly arcade perfect (more on that in a bit). Finally, my dad wasn't exactly a gamer. He's always kind of hated video games, but he knew that I was infatuated with them. So he got me PacMan2.

PacMan2 was manufactured by Entex Electronics and given a slightly misleading name. This was their first foray into handheld Pac-Man games, and as far as I can tell the "2" is in reference to the game's novel two-player mode. Here's a little snippet from the game's instruction manual to set the tone:

PacMan2 is a two color game of strategy, tactical pursuit and destruction pitting PacMan against the large evil Ghost. To make life more difficult for PacMan, the large Ghosts have also adopted the green color. The 89 stationary Bugs are red and the 4 Power Energizers are green.

The object of PacMan2 is for PacMan to attain as high a score as possible by capturing and destroying Ghosts, Bugs and Energizers without being himself destroyed by the Ghosts. Many different tactical maneuvering variations are possible in this game where PacMan is maneuvered with the directional buttons on the ENTEX label control panel. In the 2-PLAYER mode the second player directs the Ghosts with the opposite control panel directional buttons. When playing the 1-PLAYER game, the computer automatically controls and maneuvers the number of selected Ghosts pursuing PacMan. The SCORE display and the GAME STATUS display provide a constant read-out of PacMan’s performance.

This is the back of the unit. It requires four C batteries. Maybe I'm using the term "handheld" a little liberally, because it will likely cause carpal tunnel syndrome if you try to hold it like a DS.

Here's a closer look at the instruction card. And my carpet. The MUTE function is definitely appreciated, since this thing sounds like a screechy mess.

All right. Here's the game. You may want to tilt your head to the left to get the full effect. Single player is a pretty faithful adaptation of the actual game. There are a couple of difficulty modes, and the ghosts put up a pretty decent chase. I've read up a bit on the game lately, and the general consensus seems to be that it has the biggest maze available outside of the arcades at the time. It's not 100 percent perfect, but it was definitely good enough for my eight-year-old self. I played this thing obsessively.

The two-player mode is probably the most interesting part, though. In this mode, there's only one ghost, who is controlled by a second player. The rules are the same, though, and Pac-Man...sorry, PacMan has a distinct advantage. My little brother was usually my victim of choice growing up. Let's just say PacMan was well fed when we played together.

Like I said, I played this game like a maniac for a few months after I got it. Then tragedy struck. One night, I dropped it off the top bunk of my bed. After that, the single-player mode stopped working altogether. I could still play the two-player game, but nobody in my house wanted to play it as much as I did. Lame. Eventually I sold it in a garage sale.

Flash forward a few decades. Guess what I got for my birthday this year from my dad? My parents have discovered eBay (old people), and this was one of their first finds. My dad still doesn't like video games, but he's still kind of an awesome guy. And even if my wife doesn't want to play with me, I can play the single-player mode again until my fingers fall off.

So there you have it. PacMan2. I'll dig around my house and show off some other weird stuff soon--there's a lot more where this came from.

Save Our Helicopters: A Plea To Developers

2010-05-18T19:32:00Z

Helicopters are one of the most fragile of man’s creations, second only to red barrels. At least, that’s what video games would have us believe. I’ve been on a gaming spree lately, playing good stuff (Splinter Cell: Conviction), not so good stuff (Secret Service), and some in-between stuff (Gears of War 2). I couldn’t help but notice that in the past month, I’ve played no less than six games that have had a variation on the following scene:

EXT. WAR TORN CITY – DAY

An urban area surrounded by smoldering buildings and blackened automobile shells.

OUR HERO walks toward a parking lot, surveying the damage. Smoke pours out of gutted concrete buildings. Bodies and broken glass are strewn around in ruined clusters.

His comm unit crackles to life as the HELICOPTER PILOT starts speaking.

HELICOPTER PILOT
(excitedly)
Man, it’s good to see you made it through this alive! I’m going to set this bird down and haul your sorry ass to safety!

OUR HERO
You’re glad I made it through this alive? I’ve saved your tail many times I’ve lost count.

HELICOPTER PILOT
Yeah yeah. I’ll be sure to buy you a drink as soon as we make it back to command.

OUR HERO
Ahahahah!
The helicopter begins to descend onto the pavement. Suddenly a rocket screams toward the helicopter. The helicopter abruptly lifts up, spinning wildly.

HELICOPTER PILOT
Oh no! Mayday! Mayday! Hostile fire! Repeat! Oh no! The zone is hot!

OUR HERO
***!

The helicopter whirls away from the parking lot, smashing into a nearby building. It explodes in a massive cloud of flame. Looking at the contrail from the rocket, OUR HERO sees the assailant, a TERRORIST/ALIEN/INSURGENT/BAD GUY/REBEL/HOSTILE/RENEGADE SCIENTIST with a missile launcher.

OUR HERO
RAAAR!

Whenever I see a helicopter now, I assume that it will be shot at by a rocket. At that point, I know that it will either be knocked out of the sky or scared off by incoming fire.
Game developers: cut it out.

[UPDATE] Pitchford Reacts To Ryckert Hacking Scandal, 50-Day Suspension

2010-04-26T17:17:00Z

The Game Informer offices are reeling from the discovery that associate editor Dan Ryckert has fabricated some, if not all, of his Gamerscore. Ryckert’s insatiable hunger was well documented, though even his harshest critics say they didn’t think he would stoop to this level.

The discovery was made when executive editor Andrew Reiner noticed odd activity on Ryckert’s gamer card. It seems April 18 was a busy day for Ryckert. The Kansas native acquired the maximum 1,550 achievement points for the PC version of Fallout 3 and its DLC in the span of approximately 90 seconds. Sensing a scandal, Reiner investigated the situation and learned that this feat was only possible through the use of performance-enhancing cheat codes.

“I really feel like this puts a black eye on achievements, like the Barry Bonds scandal in Major League Baseball,” said senior editor Matt Helgeson. “It calls into question the very concept of achievements.”

Arcade legend AAA says this is yet another example of how achievements have diluted the gaming experience. “This entire generation of high scores should be marked with an asterix,” he said.

Commissioner of Check-In Jeff Cork says he's not
mad at Ryckert, just surprised and disappointed.

Commissioner of Vault Check-In, Jeff Cork, has instituted a 50-day suspension on Ryckert’s vault access. That means that Ryckert won’t be able to check out games from the Game Informer library, including desirable new releases Splinter Cell: Conviction and the upcoming Red Dead Redemption. A second violation will incur a 100-day suspension, with a third offense resulting in a permanent ban from the vault.

“It wasn’t an easy decision, but it needed to be made,” said Cork from his immaculately clean office. “A person who is willing to resort to these flagrantly pathetic methods needs a cooling off period. We hope he will use this time to better himself and to examine his life priorities.”

Even without cheating, Cork’s Gamerscore is 939 points higher than Ryckert’s.

Dan has said that he is sorry, though an anonymous source tells us that he is more concerned about continuing to pad his score than actually making amends. When told that he could continue playing new releases by buying games at a store, Ryckert mumbled some nonsense about being broke. He also claimed that 86,000 points of his Gamerscore were legitimately earned—something that can be refuted through simple arithmetic.

[UPDATE]

Gearbox Software co-founder, president and CEO Randy Pitchford reacted to the scandal with an appropriate level of disgust. "Playing a kiddie game or using an on-line walkthrough are all fair game for achievement hunters," said Pitchford. "But boosting through exploits in the PC versions of games? Wow... That's, like, shameful. I'm sickened, Dan, just sickened.

"I'm lighting a torch and joining the angry mob outside the Game Informer Office until this scandal is settled," he added. "I am changing my name from Pitchford to Pitchfork until justice is served."

Strong words, indeed.

On Difficulty

2010-04-05T20:13:00Z

The first few hours of Just Cause 2 were fantastic. I was blowing up bases, hopping out of helicopters, and basically turning the island of Panau into my personal chaos-fueled playground. I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was too good to last, and I was right. At around the five-hour mark the difficulty ramped up and it felt like a whole different game. A game that wasn’t any fun. I wasn’t able to dink around and experiment, because enemies were sniping me with shotguns. If I hijacked a helicopter it would be shot down in seconds. Basically, I couldn’t pull off any of the awesome stuff that was hyped to death in the trailers because enemies were too aggressive, too plentiful and too unforgiving.

Maybe I shouldn’t have picked the Experienced difficulty setting, after all.

I ended up starting over again from scratch on the Normal setting, which meant I lost all of my progress. Those collectables? Uncollected. Liberated villages? Deliberated. Those awful cutscenes? I had to watch ‘em again, because they can’t all be skipped.

Now that I’m past where I got on my initial session, I’m having a great time again. Enemies definitely pose a threat, but they’re not the insanely overpowered marksmen they were before. I can run into a situation and try out crazy things. If it looks like I’m going to die, I can easily flee to safety and recover my health. It’s exactly the game I was hoping for in the first place.

It’s interesting that one of the first decisions players face when starting a new game is often the one that has the most long-lasting effects. With Just Cause 2, I chose Experienced based on the description that the game gave. Why, yes, I do play action games on a regular basis and I enjoy being challenged. Challenge is subjective though, and what I might enjoy in a typical FPS might be extremely annoying in a sandbox game. Once you choose your setting in Just Cause 2, you’re locked in. If you decide it’s too hard (or too easy), too bad.

Call of Duty games handle this situation well. Players can dial back the difficulty as they progress through the campaign. The same goes with Red Faction: Guerilla, which I enjoyed immeasurably more on the easy setting. The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion and Fallout 3 let players adjust difficulty along a sliding scale. Locking down difficulty is simply too restrictive. I don’t mind missing out on achievements or whatever. Just let me cry uncle every once in a while without losing all of my progress.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying that people can’t or won’t have the same experience by playing on the harder difficulty settings. It’s just that easing Just Cause 2’s difficulty down to default definitely aligns closer with the way I want to play the game, which is mildly drunk.

Put Your Child To Work: Poke Walking For The Lazy

2010-03-15T19:20:00Z

I’ve had a lot of lousy roommates over the years. In addition to run-of-the-mill layabouts and food moochers, I’ve had the displeasure of bunking with stinky people, angry people and at least one chronic masturbator. When he wasn’t grinding on his own lap, that last fellow at least helped grind my party through battle after tedious battle in Final Fantasy III.

The absolute worst roommate, however, has to be my two-year-old son, Henry. He is messy. He cannot prepare a single meal for himself. He will collapse into a sobbing pile at the slightest provocation. And, he’s unable to help with even the simplest gaming task. He is a terrible Rock Band drummer. He is incapable of even driving in a straight line in Forza 3. If you need a second player, keep moving. H is worse than dead weight—he is actively bad at games. At least, he was until the latest batch of Pokemon games came out.

Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver ship with the Poke Walker, a Pokeball shaped pedometer. When you sync the bundled device with the game, you can take your Pokemonsters for virtual walks. Your steps are converted into “watts,” which can be used to find items, discover other Pokemon and level up your indentured creatures. After watching H zip through the living room for the umpteenth time, I decided to plant the Poke Walker on him and turn him into a tiny dynamo.

In a completely stunning move, my son completely redeemed himself. In two days, Henry amassed nearly 25,000 steps. To put that into context, the recommended daily activity for adults seeking to lose weight is 10,000 steps. It’s no wonder why he has an insatiable appetite for cookies—he’s like a miniature furnace.

This little experiment made me look at my son in a whole new light. I certainly wouldn’t trust him to manage my Pokemon roster or take on one of the gym masters. I do, however, plan on slipping the Poke Walker into his pocket every morning and reaping the benefits at night. I’ve changed a lot of diapers. He owes me.

Sound Matters

2010-03-09T15:34:00Z

I've been playing a lot of games lately. Better still, I've actually finished a lot of those games. In the past two weeks, I've managed to sit through the closing credits of Heavy Rain, Dante's Inferno, BioShock 2 and Battlefield: Bad Company 2. Looking back on those games, I realized just how critical the sound design was in shaping each experience.

Take Bad Company 2, for example. DICE has always done an exceptional job with audio, and their latest game is no different. I usually hate using the word "immersive," but I'll make an exception here. The audio pulls a ton of weight in making the player feel like they're part of the in-game world. DICE nails the subtle detlails, such as the way weapons sound indoors. Better still, much of the audio is associated with gameplay, too. If you're playing on a decent sound system, the positional audio makes it easy to tell where enemies are firing from. If you're in a structure that's about to collapse, there are a few telltale groans that indicate that it might be a good time to high-tail it out.

Say what you will about Dante's Inferno's gameplay, but I thought it sounded great. I've heard some complaints that the constant groaning and background wailing was oppressive, but I thought that was the point. It is supposed to be hell, right? The atmospheric sounds helped to sell that particular setting, and it made it feel much more "authentic" to me.

Heavy Rain mostly got it right, but I think the voice acting was distracting on occasion. So much of the game traded on its American setting, and hearing characters speak with oddly foreign accents was a bit disconcerting. The kids, in particular, were tough to listen to. That's certainly not an issue limited to Quantic Dream. Heck, even DICE blows it from time to time. The first time I heard one of the Americans say "Semper FEE" in Battlefield: 1943 I just about lost it.

This isn't meant to be a full-on rant or anything. I just happened to be playing a lot of games that sounded great, and I couldn't help but notice. I think many of us take sound for granted, when it's probably one of gaming's unsung heroes. When done well, it adds richness to a game. When misused, it can detract from the experience.

Have you guys been playing anything lately that sounded great? Do you think sound is important in games?

This Is Not A Review: Deadly Premonition

2010-02-23T23:09:00Z

A few years ago, I was stuck in a ridiculously line at TGS. Level-5 was giving away a free DS sampler that included some bizarre soccer RPG, and I promised to snag one for a co-worker. Unfortunately, everyone else in Japan seemed to have had the same idea. To get the sampler you had to play a bunch of games in the booth, and the line was slow as anything. Level-5’s booth was right next to Marvelous Entertainment’s, and so I saw this trailer about a million times over the course of an hour or so.

(Please visit the site to view this media)

I watched and loved Twin Peaks back when it first aired, so the trailer stuck out to me. Again, I saw it about a million times, so maybe my mind just snapped somewhere along the way. Regardless, the thought of a game that was clearly modeled after the show sounded pretty cool. (Twin Peaks’ legal team apparently wasn’t quite as hot on the idea. Access Games had to change a few characters and some set pieces to avoid getting sued into oblivion.)

Eventually, I managed to completely forget about the game. That’s what happens when a name changes—from Rainy Woods to Deadly Premonition—and nobody in the United States seems vaguely interested in generating any buzz. I only noticed it when I saw the game’s name on a list of this week’s game releases and looked it up. Aha!

Ignition Entertainment has brought the game to the U.S. for the shockingly low price of $19.99. Yeah, I sound like an infomercial, but the thought of a new game selling at retail for that price on the Xbox 360 and PS3 stuns me. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I picked it up this afternoon, figuring that even if it was completely terrible it wouldn’t be that big of a financial setback. So… is it completely terrible? The answer is kind of complicated.

I’ll just come right out and say that Deadly Premonition is better than the sum of its parts. That’s a relief, because a lot of its components are completely shoddy. It’s ugly. Combat is not very good. The sound design is broken in a lot of ways. And yet, I definitely want to see it through to the end.

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I’ve played the game for a little over three hours, and I’ve already battled an ax-wielding Jawa thing, met a wheelchair-bound, gas-mask wearing mute, and driven in a car with working headlights, turn signals and windshield wipers. OK, so the battle took place during a frustrating quick-time event and the car drives like garbage. I’m mostly fascinated right now with the scope of the Greenvale setting and the messed up folks who live there.

Unlike a lot of video-game towns, you have to drive a ways to get to where you want to go. The ride from the sheriff’s office to the hospital is about five minutes. That will probably annoy many of the few people who play this game. I kind of dig having a more realistic take on a sprawled-out small town. It doesn’t hurt that when you’re driving, Agent York talks to you, the player, about movies and whatever else pops up into his mind. Did I mention that the protagonist is, in addition to being a brilliant FBI profiler, is most likely completely insane?

There are a lot of cool little touches in the game, such as stubble that grows out into a beard over the course of a few virtual days and clothing that gets smellier as time passes. If you don’t want to look like the Brawny man, you’ll have to shave. And if you don’t want to attract flies and annoy people, you’ll have to send your suits to the dry cleaner’s. Seriously. Do those cute gimmicks help you forget the awful combat controls? Nope. They don’t hurt, though.

Like I said, Deadly Premonition is definitely not for everybody, but for $20 it’s worth a shot. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was another blink-and-you’ll-miss-it release, like many budget games end up being. If you’re even moderately interested in playing through a flawed and completely bizarre survival horror game, you may want to pick it up sooner than later.

Playcation’s Over: Going Back To Some Older Games

2010-01-26T21:58:00Z

Screw this “Q1 is the new holiday release window” nonsense. I’ve been making a point of revisiting a bunch of old titles lately. I abandoned some of these games because I got stuck, others because I was bored and others because…well, I can’t remember. Here are a few of the games I’ve been playing over the past few weeks.

Amped 3
What happened: I picked this one up used a while after it came out, and it didn’t seem to jell with me. I ended up putting it on my shelf, where it sat until last weekend.

Why I went back: Mostly, I was looking to play something that wouldn’t be inappropriate for my two-year-old son. I got completely sucked in this time around, beating the game and finishing a ton of challenges. The controls didn’t magically repair themselves while the game was exiled, but for some reason I was able to work past them. If you haven’t played it, you can buy a used copy for a song. The cutscenes alone are worth the low price of admission.

Burnout Paradise
What happened: I played it for a few days immediately when it was released, and then set it aside. I think the lack of a decent crash mode made me cry whiny tears or something.

Why I went back: I was thinking about all the game’s DLC and thought it would be worth giving it another shot. About 30 or so events later, I was hooked. Even though the showtime thing is no replacement for a proper crash mode, the racing and just about everything else is good enough to make up for it. I need to stick with it long enough to memorize the city’s layout. As it stands, I find myself looking at the minimap more often than is probably necessary (or safe).

Stuntman: Ignition
What happened: I got stuck on the Never Kill Me Again – Base Brawl level and finally stopped playing after almost tearing my own head off in frustration (this video at about the 1:40 mark shows the part that did me in).

Why I went back: I am a masochist. Also, I remembered that the game was quite good up until the time that it wasn’t. I replayed that last section about a dozen times before finally beating it (yes, that last jump off the ramp felt great). Supposedly, the part that blocked me is the toughest part of the game. I’m planning to blow through the rest of it this weekend.

Have you played anything lately after taking an extended break? What did you think? Did the time away make you see the game in a new light, or were the old annoyances just as troubling?

Dan Humiliated, Chokes On His Own Hubris

2010-01-04T21:24:00Z

This Dan guy sure thinks a lot of himself. As far as I can tell, Dan's hobbies include the following: 1: Telling stories about his father. 2: Reminiscing about old pro-wrestling matches. 3: Trying to casually slip references about the state of Kansas into completely irrelevant conversations. A few back, I was walking around the office when I heard Dan's distinctive voice babbling on about Gearbox's Randy Pitchford. I lingered around, hoping to hear how Dan thought Mr. Pichford resembled Irwin R. Schyster, when things suddenly got personal.

"Randy and I were talking about Gamerscores and how he and Reiner used to have a rivalry going on but then Randy stopped playing to actually ship a game and then he lost any chance of catching up to Reiner again and Randy Pitchford is amazing and he's my new best friend and I want to go on a vacation to Kansas with him someday." I'm paraphrasing a little, but that's a fairly close approximation of what Dan was gushing. Dan then stated that he and Randy were going to compete for the highest Gamerscore because dreams really do come true in America. If that wasn't enough, though, he made a couple of jabs at his co-workers. "I'll catch up to you early next year," he told Reiner, before turning to me and saying, "I'll beat you before the end of the year."

Oh no he di'nt.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit of an Achievement ***. Like countless others, I've fallen prey to Microsoft's reward system even though I am fully aware of how completely dumb and ridiculous the entire concept is. I have played games I didn't like very much just to get a few more points added to a tally that nobody ultimately cares about. Well, nobody other than me. When I look at my list of Achievements, it tells a story. Those two long gaps mark when my sons were born. Here's when I downloaded Yaris. Did it really take me two years to beat Assassin's Creed?! Ultimately, it's a story of how I continuously ignored my familial obligations to sit alone in a darkened room and move my thumbs around to make little make-believe guys do stuff on a TV.

So you can see why I took Dan's nonsense so personally. For a while, I thought he just might do it. That strengthened my resolve further. I'd walk by his desk and see obvious score fodder stacked high. Brave -- Warrior's Tale. A bunch of Sonic games. MLB 2K6. "Bah," I scoffed, popping in Night at the Museum 2. "At least I have my dignity."

Here's how it ended:

When I mentioned the contest to Dan this morning, he acted as though he'd forgotten all about it in the first place. "Oh, that!" I didn't buy it for a second. I know that he was racing to get home from work every night, skipping meals and showers just to maximizing his gaming time. "Oh that!"?! He played a bunch of Sonic games, for crying out loud. He wasn't doing that for fun, was he? If there wasn't an ulterior motive, I fear for us all.

P.S. I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON.

Exclusive Reboxing Photos!!!

2009-12-16T20:05:00Z

My last box-related blog post was a certified hit, with 387 views at last count. I managed to pull a few strings and scored this EXCLUSIVE look at a long-awaited reboxing for Lego Indiana Jones 2: The Adventure Continues. Let's get this thing started!

Here I am closing the manual. If you plan on putting the game manual back into the box, you're going to need to close it first. If you don't the box will not close. Trust me on this one because I am an expert.

If you don't slide the manual under these things, it'll fall out when you open it up again. That's not likely to happen again with this game, but you never know. Imagine how embarrassing it would be to have the book fall out of your rowboat on a fishing trip or something! Don't take that risk! Slide the manual under these things! Also, clean up your desk every once in a while.

Put the disc on the spindle thing and press really, really hard. If you can't feel your pulse through your fingernails, you're doing something wrong.

Oh, *** it.

Here I am closing the case. You only get one shot at this, so make sure you line everything up properly.

You're going to need a steady hand if you plan on putting the wrapper back onto the box. I usually store wrappers in a neat pile behind my chair, so I can grab them and reseal games when I'm done playing them. This is pretty common.

And just a little tape...

Booyah! Done and done. You could probably tell that this wasn't factory sealed if you had one of these babies, but most people wouldn't be able to tell the difference. This last part usually takes about 35 minutes, but I feel that the patience and persistence pays off.

Here's its new home. I'll probably be doing another one of these in a few months when I'm ready to rebox my imported, limited edition Final Fantasy XIII-themed PS3.

My Pile of Shame

2009-12-03T19:00:00Z

One of the constants in my gaming life is something that’s probably familiar to most of us: the pile of games that I haven’t gotten around to finishing (or worse, starting). My collection is the only thing in the house that I keep organized, so it’s more of a neat shelf than a pile, but it’s essentially the same thing. When I grab a game to play, I look over at those games and instantly feel terrible. It’s a nice kind of terrible—oh, boo hoo, I have too many games—but it’s still terrible.

With that in mind, here are some of the games on the shelf of shame…

Dragon Age: Origins
It’s a classic story; man makes a rogue, man plays for 10 hours as that rogue before realizing he doesn’t like playing as a rogue, man creates a new character. After going through my warrior’s origin story, I decided that I didn’t want to replay the first few quests when they were so fresh in my mind. Shelved.

Katamari Forever
I’m probably about halfway through this one (even though most of my offerings to the king have been crap), but I just stopped for no good reason. I love the soundtrack, and it’s one of the few games I have that can be safely played around the kids. I’ll probably get back to it in a few weeks.

Forza 3
I bought a wheel for this one, and it’s been amazing so far. The problem is, I just don’t have enough time to sink into it right now. Until I do, I’ll probably never complete a clean lap.

Tekken 6
After beating the game with the kangaroo, I decided this has the best fighting game endings I’ve ever seen. Then I stopped playing. I need to pick it up again and see the panda’s ending. It has to be great, right?

Street Fighter IV
I spent more time playing Street Fighter II than anything else in the ’90s. This is a great game, but I don’t have a bunch of fanatics to play with at home. I don’t like playing fighters online much, so onto the shelf it went.

Overlord II
I loved the first game, but I haven’t even started the sequel.

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
I think I’m about five or so hours into Uncharted 2’s story, and it’s amazing. I don’t really have a good explanation why I stopped playing. Maybe I hate fun.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
Tim came over last weekend and we played through some spec ops on veteran. That was the first time I’d touched the game’s multiplayer. I know it’s great and all and I’ll probably get around to it later. I’m at the point where it’s going to take some time to catch up to everyone else, and I’ll postpone that frustration as long as I can. I’m still going to finish up spec ops on veteran though.

Blue Dragon
My last save is right at the final boss. I think I stopped playing to grind and mop up a few achievements. That plan obviously failed. OK, I’m going to finish this game over the weekend.

Lost Odyssey
Hey, another Mistwalker game. I wrote a preview for this game before it came out, and I didn’t really feel like repeating stuff that was so fresh in my mind. I think I’ve forgotten it all by now, so it’s probably safe to play it now.

Shadow Complex
I got the goo gun and then I got distracted by something else.

DJ Hero
I picked this up after seeing a used copy for $60. It’s another one of those games that is a lot of fun but I don’t have time to get especially good at.

Rock Band 2
I don’t even want to think about how many songs I’ve bought that I haven’t yet played. Ouch.

So there’s my shelf/pile of shame, exposed for the world to see. What do you guys have on your back burners? Is there anything you’re especially embarrassed about?

Games That Should Have Been On That List… Maybe

2009-11-25T15:56:00Z

One thing’s for sure: When you decide to make a list that ranks just about anything, people are going to have issues with it. Even something as innocuous as a top 10 list of carpet types is bound to upset someone. (Either berber is up too high or not high enough. Typical.) Our top 200 list is certainly no exception. Even though it was a collaborative effort, it doesn’t mean that we all joined hands and came to a complete agreement about every entry. Each one of us can point to games that we think are ranked too high or too low. Every editor can name at least a couple of titles that are conspicuously missing or perhaps shouldn’t have even made the list at all.

With all that in mind, here are a few games that are not on the list that I think deserved a spot, for various reasons.

1) Wii Sports
I tried to get this one in there, and I got shouted down every time I brought it up. One of the criticisms I have about our list is that it’s a hybrid between the best, most culturally relevant and influential games of all time. We wriggled between each of the criteria when it was convenient, and it worked out surprisingly well. That said, I have a hard time thinking of a more culturally relevant game than Wii Sports. Is it the most amazing game of all time? Heck no. It’s not much to look at, either. It doesn’t matter. That game is the reason why an overwhelming number of people bought the Wii. It put game controllers into the hands of countless people who either gave up the hobby or never got into video games in the first place.

What would I have bumped for it? Doom II at number 167. Sure, Doom II was fun and all, but it didn’t add tread much ground that Doom didn’t already cover.

2) The Elder Scrolls: Morrowind
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion was beautiful to look at, but it was ultimately flawed compared to its predecessor. Scaled enemies broke the sense of exploration (and danger), the dungeons were bland and lacked personality and the world was complete fantasy vanilla. In contrast, Morrowind felt like a real place. You could wander into areas that were beyond your level and get slaughtered. You didn’t run into bandits wearing full suits of Daedric armor. Most importantly, places were interesting. Oblivion did a lot of things and did most of them well, but it failed when it came to delivering a world worth exploring. In an action RPG, failing there is kind of a big deal.

This is an easy fix; remove Oblivion at number 30 and replace it with Morrowind. Ta dah!

3) Psychonauts
Love for Tim Schafer runs deep in this office, but that’s irrelevant. When I first played the excellent game Psychonauts, I was familiar with Schafer’s games, but wasn’t yet aware of his cult-like following. Each level in Psychonauts has a completely different angle, whether you’re destroying a city as a giant lungfish, escaping federal agents in a conspiracy-theorist’s nightmare or playing a board game from an ant’s perspective. The characters were charming and memorable, with just enough pathos to counterbalance all the cute. (And no, Meat Circus wasn’t hard. You were just doing it wrong.)

If I’m adding Pyschonauts, I’m going to have to snip Batman: Arkham Asylum (number 104). It’s too recent of a release to be there, and much of its popularity seems to stem from the fact that it’s the first decent game based on the license. Take that baggage away and you still have an excellent game, but it’s not one of the top 200 of all time.

4) Dead Rising
This doesn’t really belong on the list, but it’s one of my favorite games and it’s my blog, so there you go. I understand the problems that some people have with the game, from its save system to its heavy-handed story, but I still love it. It was the first 360 game I remember playing that gave me the sense that what I was seeing just wouldn’t have been possible on older hardware. It also let me kill zombies with guitars.

What would I have cut to make room for it? Sorry, Kid Icarus (189). The only reason a lot of people even know about this game is because of Smash Bros. Brawl. I played the hell out of it on my NES, but it doesn’t belong here. Sorry, Pit.

Thoughts?