The lights are on
***There are Expendables spoilers in this article. If you're the type of person that's worried about getting a few parts from a gleefully dumb action movie spoiled for you, don't read it. If you (understandably) don't care about getting "plot" points of this testosterone-fest spoiled, read on***
There's a reason I review video games and not movies. I've played virtually everything I could get my hands on ever since I was 4, and fantastic games like Bioshock, Metal Gear Solid, Oblivion, God of War, and Zelda are all amongst my favorites. On the movie side of the fence, my history is a bit different. Basically, I just watched any movie with Schwarzenegger, explosions, or fart/d*ck jokes, and my favorites list includes Commando, Big Trouble In Little China, The Rock, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, and Rocky IV. There are a few genuinely great movies that I love (One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest, The Departed, There Will Be Blood), but it's mostly just **** blowing up.
Because of my particular taste in movies, it should come as no surprise that I've been ridiculously excited for The Expendables ever since it was in pre-production. After all, it assembled the greatest action cast of all-time, with the only obvious absences being Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme (both of which declined roles, assuredly just to be d***s). I saw it at a midnight screening last night, six-pack fittingly in tow. As I watched it, I had the idea of writing a blog post that went over the good and bad points of Stallone's newest project. However, I realized that the line between good and bad is really blurred here, because most people will go see it wanting it to be bad. Therefore, I'll avoid any subjective formatting and just point out a bunch of crap about this movie.
The cast is as amazing as advertised
Just look at the stars in that picture (and ignore whatever the hell is going on with Bruce's face). From left-to-right, you have the greatest sports entertainer of all-time, an MMA legend, a chemical engineer/marine ranger/third-degree black belt who also happens to be Ivan Drago, a martial arts icon, Rocky/Rambo, that dude from Snatch, the crazy guy that kicks over buildings in Old Spice ads, Hollywood's resident weirdo, and JOHN McCLANE. It also features a cameo by the single greatest action star in history, but we'll get to that part later. It really is genuinely cool to see so many legends sharing screen time, and you know these dudes had to have a fantastic time making such a gloriously dumb action movie together.
Ivan Drago shoots a dude's torso off in the first five minutes
Stallone proved with the (awesome) 2008 Rambo movie that he's not against getting gory as all hell in his old age. This time around, he makes that perfectly clear within the first five minutes. As a bunch of pirates hold hostages, Dolph Lundgren fires the opening shot, blowing the hostage-taker's entire torso off. It happens quick, but it almost makes it look like the shot kept both torso pieces intact. What was he using, the Line Gun from Dead Space?
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Of course it's Yin Yang -_-
But I don't get it Dan, did you like The Expenables or dislike it? You seem to praise it in certain parts of the blog, but the title seems misleading.
Or is this Rogue Warrior all over again?
"Oh, she's a painter too. That's how it always starts!"
Holy mother of Jesus which is... IDK!
Yeah, I saw the review and I hear it sucked. So, a word of advice: See Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, not this.
lol, good article, but what makes you think Tool is useless? Their sheer talent? Or the amazing lyrics?
Just curious.
I loved this movie
All I have to say is that I'm a shoot'em up explosions fanatic.
I stopped reading when you called Tool "useless."
Shame on you.
Thank you Dan, not because I guess you liked the movie because it was terrible? but because by telling me that CCR is on the soundtrack I may be able to drag my friend Liz to see this with me...maybe but probably instead I'll end up seeing Crappy Scott Pilgrim, and being pissed off about it...Michael Cera is a terrible actor and an actual film critic not Rolling Stone (which are huge hollywood/nerd schills) or other nerd movie outlets reviewed and they said it was terrible, and quite frankly it looks like emo fest all over the place and that's really kind of well immature...
The Expendables looks and sounds like it promises on what it is which is pure action fun, and that's better than pure emo nerd reference movie.
Creedance! Thank you, thank you! Normally I wont come close to spoilers for any movie/game i want to see/play. But, like you said, if you take the movie for what it is then big whoops. I cannot wait.
P.S. More off topic subjects, and more posts in general, in the editor blogs please.
I love movies that are sheer action all the way through. Forget the plot.
This sounds amazing.
Nice crack at the band "Tool"!!
Well I think you enjoyed it...I think. I thought it was a pretty good movie and I also thought the plot was pretty good. I don't really need a super deep "Inception" like plot to get a good story out of it. I did like the post though. You made several good points and it was funny to boot.
Thank you pointing out how useless Tool is. One of the most overrated bands ever.
Terry Crews is awesome. He's funny and can be an action star. Watch him in "Idiocracy" and "Everybody hates Chris".
You opinion is moot the second you insult Tool.
Sounds like a fun mindless movie to watch. Looking forward to seeing it.