***There are Expendables spoilers in this article. If you're the type of person that's worried about getting a few parts from a gleefully dumb action movie spoiled for you, don't read it. If you (understandably) don't care about getting "plot" points of this testosterone-fest spoiled, read on***

There's a reason I review video games and not movies. I've played virtually everything I could get my hands on ever since I was 4, and fantastic games like Bioshock, Metal Gear Solid, Oblivion, God of War, and Zelda are all amongst my favorites. On the movie side of the fence, my history is a bit different. Basically, I just watched any movie with Schwarzenegger, explosions, or fart/d*ck jokes, and my favorites list includes Commando, Big Trouble In Little China, The Rock, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, and Rocky IV. There are a few genuinely great movies that I love (One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest, The Departed, There Will Be Blood), but it's mostly just **** blowing up.

Because of my particular taste in movies, it should come as no surprise that I've been ridiculously excited for The Expendables ever since it was in pre-production. After all, it assembled the greatest action cast of all-time, with the only obvious absences being Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme (both of which declined roles, assuredly just to be d***s). I saw it at a midnight screening last night, six-pack fittingly in tow. As I watched it, I had the idea of writing a blog post that went over the good and bad points of Stallone's newest project. However, I realized that the line between good and bad is really blurred here, because most people will go see it wanting it to be bad. Therefore, I'll avoid any subjective formatting and just point out a bunch of crap about this movie.

The cast is as amazing as advertised

Just look at the stars in that picture (and ignore whatever the hell is going on with Bruce's face). From left-to-right, you have the greatest sports entertainer of all-time, an MMA legend, a chemical engineer/marine ranger/third-degree black belt who also happens to be Ivan Drago, a martial arts icon, Rocky/Rambo, that dude from Snatch, the crazy guy that kicks over buildings in Old Spice ads, Hollywood's resident weirdo, and JOHN McCLANE. It also features a cameo by the single greatest action star in history, but we'll get to that part later. It really is genuinely cool to see so many legends sharing screen time, and you know these dudes had to have a fantastic time making such a gloriously dumb action movie together.

Ivan Drago shoots a dude's torso off in the first five minutes

Stallone proved with the (awesome) 2008 Rambo movie that he's not against getting gory as all hell in his old age. This time around, he makes that perfectly clear within the first five minutes. As a bunch of pirates hold hostages, Dolph Lundgren fires the opening shot, blowing the hostage-taker's entire torso off. It happens quick, but it almost makes it look like the shot kept both torso pieces intact. What was he using, the Line Gun from Dead Space?