Welcome to the Console House. We’ve selected four major video game characters with the most polarizing personalities to live in a Sims 3 house together. Their aesthetics and personalities have been faithfully reconstructed before they were placed into the “Celebrity Mansion” (mod by pancake101). We also provided them $218,000 and gave them the highest free will setting possible before leaving them entirely to their own devices. See unexpected relationships form, horrendous tragedies unfold, and mediocre waffles made in the week’s highlights below.

The four new roommates are Wario, Kratos, Bayonetta, and Gordon Freeman.

Gordon Is the Cure to Incontinency
Bayonetta’s bladder struggles began the first day and continued all too frequently throughout the week. Although she seemed predisposed to having a low-volume bladder, she managed to maintain a modicum of modesty, only relieving herself in private. Private does not denote the privacy of a bathroom as one would imagine, but rather, she simply waited until no one is around. Her blossoming relationship with Gordon proved worthy of decency however, and she kept her issues in check when he was around. We all make sacrifices for our relationships, and hers just so happened to be holding her bladder at least until Gordon is out of sight.

Gordon, Bayonetta, and Kratos Ride The Love Tricycle
Gordon and Bayonetta’s relationship flourished as if they were two middle schoolers whose parents were away for the weekend. They shared meals, chatted occasional, and sometimes slept in the same bed together in a completely platonic manner. As their idyllic romance became increasingly evident to the other members of the house, jealousy reared its ugly head. Kratos made it his sole purpose to sprint around the house, sabotaging Gordon and Bayonetta’s relationship at every turn, despite her utter lack of interest in him and his propensity to literally bore her to sleep. The couple would be sharing an intimate moment in the bedroom, when Kratos would burst in with an inquiry about a bookstore, comic book, or even some waffle-related trivia – each thinly veiled attempt to obstruct their love more desperate than the last.

The Grand Opening of Waffle House
Kratos successfully disrupted the relationship exactly one time, when he piqued Bayonetta’s passion for breakfast with his waffle trivia. Enthralled by his syrupy gossip, Bayonetta felt the inclination to cook waffles in the guest house, forgoing the larger kitchen in the main house. This began an inexplicable trend among the residents. The first sim to wake up would head to the guest house and make waffles. The others would follow suit, either making their own waffles, or in Wario’s case, selfishly partaking in the fruits of everyone else’s labors. The guest house, now known as Waffle House, continued to mirror its real-life analogue, with every resident avoiding its connected bathroom like it was the plague. Finally, on day 5, Kratos was forced to use it to avoid pulling a Bayonetta. Upon Kratos’s emergence from the bathroom, I noticed the floor was completely covered in water. He sprinted away before I could see what happened. This behavior is customary when using Waffle House bathrooms, and just as with actual Waffle House bathrooms, I can assure you that no one cleaned it up.

The Ghost of Sparta vs. Fat, Yellow Mario
Kratos quickly became domesticated by the suburban lifestyle, despite his violent history. Wario took note of Kratos’s tamed personality, using every opportunity to get under his skin. Each day, their encounters devolved more and more until, on day 6, tensions reached a boiling point. Wario scared Kratos, leading to physical retribution in the form of a slap. The next day, a conversation between the pair about movies went awry. Spurred on by cinematic differences, the two engaged in a tizzied brawl. Wario walked away as the victor – apparently Kratos’s god-slaying past didn’t translate well to Nintendo-style fisticuffs. Kratos declared Wario his mortal enemy in an attempt to regain some of his dignity, but it just came off as pathetic. To add insult to injury, Wario completely ignored the dramatic declaration and went to watch TV, like usual.

Playing with Fire
The sims made it to the end of the week. During the course of the week they managed to accumulate five skill points, two unpaid bills, and zero jobs between the four of them. That’s 1.25 skill points, 0.5 unpaid bills, and 0.0 jobs each.  They spent hundreds of dollars of my hard-earned money on waffles, and at some point, during the week they broke a bathtub which had been spewing water continuously for over 48 hours. I was ready to let the freeloaders rot in their save file for eternity, but instead I decided to conduct an experiment. I purchased two of the most expensive cars in the game and placed them in the house, along with several stoves. Their funds dwindled to exactly one dollar as I momentarily took control and strategically ordered them to cook before canceling their actions and relinquishing my control.

Then, I just watched.

Two fires immediately sprang up inside the house. The sims rushed into one of the bedrooms, watching in horror as the flames enveloped their beloved electronics. Kratos valiantly extinguished the flames, and he, Bayonetta, and Gordon moved to the next fire to resume their dance of dismay. Wario stayed behind to continue panicking at the now-extinguished stove. The second bedroom was brimming with fire when the residents came racing in. The flames expanded with every passing second, licking at the feet of Gordon, Bayonetta, and Kratos. For whatever reason, they refused to leave the room, their own stupidity trapping them inside. Sadly, Gordon succumbed to the inferno. You’d think with his two logic points, Gordon would’ve known not to stand in the fire, but it must take three points before sims learn basic fire safety.

Teamwork Makes the Dream Work
Bayonetta shared a final touching moment with Gordon’s ghost before he left the house forever. As Gordon’s ghost was claimed by Death, he uttered his final, departing words: “I’m getting a bit sleepy. I should head home.”

Damn.

Seeing the sims set aside their differences to come together and grieve Gordon’s passing had me regretting the experiment. But before I could rectify the situation, another fire erupted downstairs. The three remaining roommates rushed down and were confronted with a fire that put the previous one to shame. Wario immediately caught fire, but was bravely extinguished by Kratos. This act of kinship between the mortal enemies made me think that I should stop the fire before it got out of control...

Welp...