The lights are on
Congratulations, you've survived the dreaded summer drought
of video game releases! Your reward is a deluge of more games than you'll
possibly have time to play. Lucky for you, we've compiled a list of ingenious
strategies to fool your loved ones into letting you shirk all your
responsibilities and game for hours on end.
Excuse #1: The Dutiful
ParentBeing a parent comes with an endless amount of
responsibilities, but one of those responsibilities provides a clever excuse
for playing games. If your spouse asks you why you're sitting around playing
video games all day long, just say you're testing the game out to see if it's age-appropriate
for your son or daughter. After all, the ESRB ratings are really only a
guideline; you need to practice your own parental discretion before you hand
over a game to your kid. If the game you want to play is clearly inappropriate –
say, giving Assassin's Creed Unity to a six-year-old – just stop stabbing
people in the neck and do boring stuff until your spouse leaves the room. If your spouse asks why it's taken 18 straight hours of gameplay to
determine whether the game you're playing is appropriate, just say that it's
important to be thorough – for the sake of the children, of course. See, you're
not a selfish jerk who's neglecting your family; you're a responsible parent
looking out for the well-being of your beloved offspring.
Excuse #2: The
Insomnia DefenseThis time of year, there aren't enough hours in the day to
play all the games you want to, especially with jobs, chores, and other boring
life stuff getting in the way. However, there might just be enough hours in the
night – if you can get away with an after-hours gaming marathon. One of the
classic mistakes that gamers make when dealing with an impatient loved one is
the "five more minutes" excuse. Let's be honest: No matter what game you're playing,
the task you're in the middle of is going to take more than five minutes. Your
significant other doesn't have to be a gamer to know that, and is only going to
get annoyed when you parrot the plea 10 times in a row. Instead, proactively
end your evening session early and suggest you go to bed. Toss and turn for
20 minutes, then promptly tell your partner that you can't sleep and you're
going to go into the other room for a bit so that you don't disturb their
sleep. Voila! You can now play as long as you want, provided you're quiet
enough not to wake them.
Alternatively, you can try the Escape from Alcatraz approach and create a dummy head of your
likeness out of paper mache; just slip that puppy on your pillow while your significant
other is snoozing, and you should be scot-free – just make sure you get back to
switch it out before sunrise.
Excuse #3: "The Team
Needs Me!"Ignoring your family to play a game by yourself is an
inherently selfish act that won't gain you much favor or sympathy with your
loved ones. Instead, turn your gaming session into a selfless deed by playing online
multiplayer games. Explain to your annoyed family members that you don't actually
want to play, but you'd be letting down your lifelong friends if you don't
participate. In reality, the people you're playing with are probably anonymous,
prepubescent goons that would make you shudder if you met them in real life, but you can keep
that little detail to yourself. If helping out your squadmates still isn't a
compelling reason for your family, tell them that your boss in on your team,
and that playing could lead to future promotion opportunities.
Excuse #4: "You Gotta
See This!"Another way to deal with impatient loved ones is to bring
them into the fold by promising the game you're playing contains something they'll absolutely love.
Tell them there's something they won't – nay, can't – miss, and then string them along with more excuses that fit
their personality, like "It's absolutely hilarious,"
or "It's so touching." Use additional stalling phrases like, "Trust me," and
"It's totally worth the wait." Once the credits roll, just act confused and say you must've been thinking about a different game. Put in the next title
you want to play and see how long you make it until your family walks out on
Excuse #5: Clock
ControlThe best way to balance your gaming with your familial
responsibilities is to agree on and then set aside a predetermined block of
time to play. The only problem? That time will eventually come to an end.
However, a little underhanded ingenuity can keep the good times rolling. Give
your significant other a specific and reasonable time that you're going to play
until, such as 4:00 p.m. if you're starting at 2:00 p.m. Start playing, but every 30
minutes or so, nonchalantly run around to every clock in your house and set the
time back. Don't forget your loved one's watch and/or cellphone – you can
distract them with the classic "What's that over there?" gag. If the sun starts
to set during your artificially extended gaming session, just say that
you heard on the radio there was going to be a really slow eclipse today.
Once the façade inevitably comes crashing down, play the
technicality card and say that you didn't specify a time zone, but that you
were going by International Date Line West time. That should net you at least
another four to six hours – unless you're one of those unfortunate gamers who
lives in Hawaii.
Coming Up Next: Some truly deplorable techniques and your last, best chance at redemption...
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.