Darth Clark Strikes Again

The video game industry is a flat circle. Every video game we've played or will play, we're going to play over and over again. The same is true for GI's annual Game Infarcer; every April, our satirical editor-in-chief Darth Clark pens a series of inflammatory parody articles, and a month later numerous readers reply with equally inflammatory – but sadly all-too-real – responses.

In previous years, Darth Clark relished in the opportunity to set his readers straight, defining what it means to be a gamer, and why you shouldn't enjoy playing games. This year you can tell that the sad and twisted realities of the industry are finally getting to him. Darth Clark's letter from the editor, "I Am Too Good For This," lays bare the crossroads our irreverent anti-hero finds himself at, but it wasn't the only article that this year's Game Infarcer victims had a problem with. Here are some of the letters we received; we've removed the names of the responders to protect the gullible.

The Polite Response:

• Okay, I'm an avid fan of video games and the reporting/rating of them. However, I cannot abide by some young punk with an over-active ego. Issue 252, with the wonderful Batman: Arkham Knight cover, is thoroughly overshadowed by this so'called "Darth Clark" whom you let write such a horrendous and offensive article. I believe in fair writing for the masses, but come on – this guy is ranting and raving about his so-called "superior ability" and being "better" than his job. He should be fortunate to have a job in America with how things are. But if you're going to allow people to speak of how "superior" they are than others, then I'll not be a continuing subscriber when December comes. On a side note, the Batman article was amazing and I've reread it five times since it came in today. Thank you for the Batman article.

The Not-So-Polite Response:

• You are a self-righteous ***-bag and until you are out of office or write an apology letter in the new Game Informer magazine for all the gamers you so arrogantly insulted, me and my friends are banning Game Informer from all local gaming communities. We already have a 500-to-0 vote in one of our medium-sized groups. Many of the gamers you offended have been gaming since before your mom turned down the abortion that would have saved Game Informer the embarrassment that is you. If you don't have a passion for gaming then move along and let someone who does take your position. You should be embarrassed to be the editor in chief for Game Informer. You are a disgrace.
• In response to the article “I Am Too Good For This,” by Darth Clark – this guy is a grade-A ***. He complains about making a living playing games, but he wishes to be a fiction author. Then get off your ass and write! You claim, “Where would you be without my insight and guidance?” Easy: Playing games and having fun like I have been since 1980 without even knowing who you are. If you are not happy getting paid to play games then quit and let someone else do your job. You’re sick of this industry? I am sick of *** bags like you who whine about their current job but do nothing to pursue their passion. Your opinions and perspective suck, go away.
• I was so happy when I flipped through your magazine and I didn't see the mug shot of that little ***, emo-ass kid, Darthvader. I actually thought my wish came true and he was dead. Then as I was flipping through this month's issue, I came across his ***-ass emo picture.
  
  All I really want to know is, why? Why would you even give a little punk-*** *** space in your magazine? The only logical thing I could even think of as to why is to let people see how much of an idiot that kid really is.
  
  I have a small hope of passing by him one day so I can punch him in the *** and as he lays curled in the fetal position I'll kneel down and tell him how much of a little *** with mommy issues he is and that the world would be just a slightly better place without him. Which is what we need because the world keeps heading into a cesspool of ***.

Darth Clark, King Of The Morons:

• The mentality Darth Clark has toward his target audience is not only offensive, it’s extremely arrogant and alienates his readers. Do his articles get read before the magazine gets published? I mean seriously, I can respect his opinion on the industry, but he just automatically assumes every gamer is a moron. The moment you start alienating your audience and making baseless assumptions about them, the value of your opinion immediately drops, especially when you’re making extremely arrogant boasts about yourself like you’ve never heard the word “modesty.” Darth sounds like every ***hole who says things over a gaming headset that they’re afraid to say to someone in person; I would expect a punch in the face if I talked that crap. If he regards his audience as morons and has to command his morons to think, doesn’t that make him “King of the Morons?” What a crowning achievement.

Response To Battlefield 5's "Season Patch":

• What the hell! I feel as a gamer that I've been bent over a desk and taken to town by gaming companies – only I can’t complain because I paid them to do it. First off, EA is now going to charge me more for their piece-of-*** Battlefield 5, which apparently needs my money to be fixed. I don't understand how they expect me to pay more money after the long season of mistakes that is BF4. I should be getting paid for having to deal with that. Now, I have to pay more for a "fixed" version of a game that should've been done right in the first place. Oh, and I heard that Microsoft was just going to throw out the Xbox One and the 360 2.0 is now their focus? Gee, thanks Microsoft – I sure am glad I'm stuck with your failed first try. Could I expect a free new system once you improve the old one?

Responses To Darth Clark's MLB 14 Review:

• The person that wrote the review for MLB 14: The Show clearly needs to be doing another job. Nobody gives two ***s if he would rather be playing basketball. How about talking about signature swings or something like that? By the way, I don’t play baseball to listen to the sports broadcasters talk about healthcare – I want to hear stats. Get someone that knows a little about sports the next time you’re going to have an intern review a sports game, please. The next time he watches a game on television, I want him to count how many times he sees a woman on the field. C’mon guys, how about we do a better job on reviews?
• It seems Darth Clark said some untrue things about MLB The Show. He claims that the resolution of the game is sub-1080p and that the game is visually "garbage to his eyes." It has already been confirmed that the game will be 1080p and most likely 60fps. I have already read about six reputable hands-on reviews that claim this is the most visually stunning and detailed sports game to date. Please look into this. The guy reviewing this sounds like he was just making stuff up and even complained that there was no "basketball mode"? If I was the creator of this game, I would consider bringing this guy up on charges of slander. How am I supposed to take this mag seriously with hack jobs like this?

Almost There...:

• Is this an April Fools joke of an issue? First of all, your reviewer "Darth Clark" needs to be fired and be sent to a psychiatrist quick if he or she is serious. Please look at his or her four reviews in the latest issue immediately. First off, there is a review for Grand Turismo 7 with a release date of 2030 on the Playstation 6...really?! Then you have the next game, Zelda: Other Z. The release date is shown as "Sexual." Then you have Mario and Sonic At The Hunger Games. Lastly, you have MLB 14: The Show. A terrible joke of a review. It says that the game developer is "Questionable" (the real developer is SCE San Diego Studio). Next, it says that the game runs at 28.5 FPS at 720p (it runs at 60 FPS at 1080p.). It also says that the game is bad because it has no women and should have a basketball game mode.
  
  This is crazy to me. Is this really an April Fools joke of an issue that we're receiving in March? People like me really look to this magazine for serious reviews for games. Especially, when it's a game we're looking to possibly purchase. Let me know for some reason if this is a joke issue.
• I'm writing to ask if I've just been suckered in by the first "inter-print troll." While I can say I don't take his article "I Am Too Good For This" seriously...here I am actually spending time writing this email, an intrinsic contradiction of that assertion.
  
  Good gimmick (if indeed it was); it must have been a tough choice playing it straight. But if it was for real...holy crow. I don't know what to begin to think.

Fool Me Twice:

• Back in the day, around eight or nine years ago when DLC was just starting to come out, I read an article about how the new Madden at the time was going to start charging $.99 for air for the ball.
  
  I was crushed. My friends and I played Madden against each other all the time. I couldn't believe how EA was going to ruin gaming for everyone by charging for air in the ball. I mean, who would do that? Finally, after a few hours, one of my friends noticed that it was a joke and I became aware of Darth Clark.
  
  Fast forward to yesterday when I opened to page 61 and saw where EA had announced their Battlefield 5 season patch. $29.99 for an entire year's worth of patches. Once again, I read the article and spent the next hour thinking about how crappy it was for EA to ruin gaming by charging for patches. Then I thought, wait a minute...
  
  Almost a decade and you got me again. Well played...

It Never Gets Old:

• I was quickly flipping through my just-arrived April issue of GI before heading out for work, when I came to page 61 and started reading the article about Microsoft canceling the Xbox One. I got very confused. It wasn't until I looked one page over and saw Darth Clark that I could only laugh at my own stupidity. I've been a subscriber since the late '90s and have always got a kick out those that didn't get the Game Infarcer joke. Well, I guess we really do get dumber as we get older. So, in keeping with tradition, I guess I have to say you guys are idiots and I'm canceling my subscription, blah blah blah; you know the drill.

For more readers who humorously missed the joke, check out our Clash of the Titans debacle from 2010.