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At the end of a console generation, it’s fun to look back at the memorable heroes and villains that contributed to years of quality entertainment. On the other hand, it’s also enjoyable to poke fun at the lame, inept, or hopeless chumps that often tagged along for the ride. For the last 10 years, our Top 50 feature has singled out each year’s biggest dorks, and now it’s time to choose the dorkiest of the dorky.
Drawing from our lists that feature characters from the PS3/Xbox 360/Wii era, we’re ranking the losers of the last generation, complete with the text that appeared alongside their original entries in the magazine. Feel free to point and laugh.
10. Samus Aran (Metroid: Other M)“This is why Metroid games are usually about exploration instead of story. Other M flings this iconic bounty hunter to rock bottom, painting Samus as a petulant brat instead of an awesome warrior. The ham-fisted delivery of her lame backstory doesn’t help matters. Thumbs down!” (Issue 214, 2010)
9. Wheatley (Portal 2)“Being a dork isn’t always a bad thing. Yes, he bumbles through simple tasks and makes a few bad choices, but Wheatley’s awkwardness is somehow endearing. Even with the return of GLaDOS, Wheatley is Portal 2’s most memorable (and lovable) character.” (Issue 226, 2011)
8. Alistair (Dragon Age: Origins)“Also known as ‘new Carth,’ Alistair has two modes of communication: whining and cracking wise. The problem: His jokes aren’t funny, and his whining is only entertaining when he’s being a crybaby about you making fun of him. Sorry, Alistair – have fun sitting with Sten in the party camp, loser.” (Issue 202, 2009)
7. Those Dudes (Army of Two)“Oh, you don’t remember their names, either. The only thing that stands out about these muscleheads is their terrible banter, which is about 90 percent f-bombs and 10 percent confusing idioms. What exactly is ‘don’t piss on my cupcakes’ supposed to mean? Is it a euphemism? ” (Issue 190, 2008)
6. Mog (Final Fantasy XIII-2)“Any goodwill moogles might have had from Final Fantasy games is torpedoed as soon as Mog’s stupid mouth opens. Saying ‘kupo’ at the end of every sentence is a one-way ticket to Dorktown, especially when everything you’re saying is either obvious or annoying.” (Issue 237, 2012)
On the next page: It might not seem possible, but there are even bigger dorks coming up.
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