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Gaming's War On Christmas
There's a war being waged on Christmas, and I'm not talking about the one that political pundits are always blabbing about – this one is real, and some of our favorite video game characters are behind it. Don't believe me? Check out this incontrovertible evidence.
Exhibit A: Mario Beheaded Frosty The Snowman
And we thought Frosty had it bad when Professor Hinkle
locked him in that greenhouse. Turns out that was only the prelude to Mario
decapitating him and sticking his head on some kind of creepy shrine.
Unfortunately, Frosty is only the first casualty of the war on Christmas.
Exhibit B: Minecraft Steve Burned Down All The Christmas
Trees
We don't know who this jerk Steve is and we're pretty sure
we didn't invite him into our world, but the first thing he did when he got
inside was burn down all of our trees. Looks like we'll have to put our
presents under that dumb floor plant we always forget to water.
Exhibit C: Nathan Drake Ate All The Christmas Cookies
He also ate the Christmas ham, Christmas goose, Christmas pies, and everything else
he could get his hands on. However, you've got to give Drake props; despite the
added weight, he's still incredibly agile.
Exhibit D: The 3rd Street Saints Stole Our Christmas
Stockings
The Saints are loaded, but that didn't stop them from going
around and stealing everybody's stockings. Aren't the Saints supposed to be the
good guys? If you can't trust violent gang members nowadays, who can you trust?
Exhibit E: Skyrim's Dragonborn Stole Everyone's Presents
Apparently greed is one of the prerequisites for being a
Dragonborn, because this jerk has selfishly hoarded every cool present you
could ever hope to get on Christmas. If there's any justice in the world,
Minecraft Steve will show up and burn his house down.
Coming Up Next: The war on Christmas turns tragic...
Exhibit F: The Team Fortress 2 Guys Weaponized Our Christmas
Lights
It was bad enough when the gang from Team Fortress 2 showed
up and stripped all the Christmas lights off of our house – then they used
them to adorn their deadly arsenal! Spreading Christmas cheer, my ***.
Exhibit G: Borderlands 2's BadMaw Tortured Santa's Little
Helpers
We don't even want to know what these poor guys have been
through, but whatever it was, we're guessing it landed BadMaw on the naughty
list. Unfortunately, the fate of his elves are the least of Santa's problems.
Exhibit H: Lara Croft Shot Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
Oh, Lara, not you too! We expected more from gaming's
leading heroine, but after getting a taste for venison, Lara was never the
same. Rudolph would be the ultimate trophy for any hunter, and given Lara's
excellent bow skills, the most famous reindeer of all didn't stand a chance.
Exhibit I: Hitman's Agent 47 Killed Santa Claus
Well, leave it to gaming's premier assassin to finish the
job. Agent 47 is a genetic clone that was bred for killing, so we can't really
even blame him for his actions. We can, however, critique his methodology;
pushing Santa over a railing? Is that the best 47 could come up with? We would've
expected him to poison the eggnog or plant C4 on Santa's sleigh. Oh well – at least the war is over...
Merry Christmas Happy Holidays!
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