The lights are on
Enjoying games is so passé. While normal, lame-o players
enjoy this holiday's slate of amazing titles, an elite and much cooler group of
gamers will be lamenting how terrible everything about the industry is and
discussing super important topics such as ludonarrative dissonance. If you want to
join the cool-kids' table but don't know what to hate about this holiday's games,
look no further.
Below you'll find a list of some of this season's hottest
games, a totally posh reason to hate each one, and a backup complaint to really
drive home how awesome you are. It's a lot to remember, so if you happen to
forget one of these topics during a heated argument with your friends, just remember
that hating a game simply because it's popular is always a valid alternative.
Diablo III (Console
Versions)Haters Gonna Hate: It's
On ConsolesSure, the console version of Diablo III is made by the same
developer and features all the same content of the PC version. There's just one
problem – it's on consoles! There's no way the PC-fueled brilliance of the
Diablo series can be translated to a controller and television screen [Editor's
totally can]. Impress your friends by condescendingly dismissing the
console versions as dumbed-down ports for gamers who are too stupid to figure
out how a mouse works.Backup Complaint: It's
Still Not Diablo II!
Assassin's Creed IV:
Black FlagHaters Gonna Hate: A
Gateway To Animal CrueltyIn addition to exploring the cities of Havana, Kingston, and
Nassau, AC IV: Black Flag introduces players to a bevy of new pirate-themed activities
on the open seas. It should be a lot of fun – if you're an animal-slaughtering
psychopath. Ubisoft Montreal has revealed that players can hunt sharks and
whales in the game, activities that will undoubtedly lead to countless gamers going
on real-life poaching expeditions. Forget the millions of random guards players
have ruthlessly shot, stabbed, and (my personal favorite) pushed off of
rooftops in the series – won't someone stand up for the rights of digital
marine life?Backup Complaint: Pirates
Are As Clichéd As Zombies
Killzone: Shadow FallHaters Gonna Hate: More
Of The SameThis one's easy. Killzone: Shadow Fall doesn't do anything
new! All you do is run around with guns and shoot bad guys – real original. It takes
place on a sci-fi planet? Uh, been there, done that. The Helghast are involved
in a conflict? Puh-lease. If you need any more proof that this series is out of
ideas, Shadow Fall even has multiplayer. Talk about a by-the-numbers sequel.
Note: While this kind of overgeneralization is amazingly
powerful for dismissing first-person shooters, it works with virtually any
genre. Rayman Legends? All you do is run around and jump on stuff. Dragon Age:
Inquisition? All you do is talk to characters and level up. Forza 5? All you do
is drive cars in a circle. Works every time! Backup Complaint: Jimmy
Fallon Played It On Television – Gross!
Watch DogsHaters Gonna Hate: Big
BrotherWatch Dogs takes place in a dynamic, modern-day open world that
mixes single- and multiplayer gameplay in new and interesting ways. However, if
you play the game you might as well run the Bill of Rights through a shredder. Watch
Dogs glorifies personal-privacy violations by allowing the player to spy on
characters using security cameras, commit identity theft on unsuspecting
civilians, and even hack people's smartphones! Given the recent political
headlines and privacy concerns regarding Xbox One's Kinect, serving up these
kinds of illegal activities as entertainment is unconscionable.
Some people will say that Watch Dogs is trying to warn
players of the danger of intrusive technology – but the game sure makes hacking
into people's lives look like a lot of fun. Do I smell government propaganda?Backup Complaint: It's
Just Assassin's Creed In The Modern Age
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.
Jeff M is quite the clever writer. Billion pts.
This was brilliant.
I'm so hipster, that I think that the gaming industry began to fall after Computer Space (the first commercialized video game to those who aren't hipster enough to talk to me).
The COD one pretty much sums up most arguments about how COD is ruining the world (spoiler: it isn't), and although BF4 is looking great I still groan whenever I see/hear "levolution".
I have a better reason to hate most of these...just bored of them. Bored of all the sequels and fifth and sixth installments. Jumping out of my pants to play Diablo III on the 360, though. Because F the always on internet crap. That is my reason to hate PC Diablo III, and I stand by it being a good one. And I like the flexibility to resell my games!
I really shouldn't have given your article a view in the first place but since it's too late now, I might as well tell you that this is the most strawman filled article I've ever read in my life.
I see the category is humor. Does that mean you guys realize the humor in how stupid of an article it is? I am a hipster and I don't need reasons to hate things. I just hate them because I can*
*all of the above statement was sarcasm
Wait, Watch Dogs is anything like AC? : (
Oh this is rich!! Thanks for the laugh.
Always love the negative discussions whether its an article such as this or a discussion on any site about fans, companies, or publishers but yet always amazes me how Nintendo is excluded. GI if you need help you know they kind of been putting the same games out for over 20 years, and they are all pretty much nothing but mods. You do know what a mod is, right?
I just don't find Watch Dogs interesting really...well the idea is cool, it just doesn't appeal to me.
Lol, cats are jerks.
"It's not Diablo II!" Oh, how I've heard that so many times.
ahaha this should be on gameinfarcer
This topic is so true.