www.GameInformer.com
Switch Lights

The lights are on

What's Happening

The Hipster's Guide To Hating Games

Enjoying games is so passé. While normal, lame-o players enjoy this holiday's slate of amazing titles, an elite and much cooler group of gamers will be lamenting how terrible everything about the industry is and discussing super important topics such as ludonarrative dissonance. If you want to join the cool-kids' table but don't know what to hate about this holiday's games, look no further.

Below you'll find a list of some of this season's hottest games, a totally posh reason to hate each one, and a backup complaint to really drive home how awesome you are. It's a lot to remember, so if you happen to forget one of these topics during a heated argument with your friends, just remember that hating a game simply because it's popular is always a valid alternative.

Diablo III (Console Versions)
Haters Gonna Hate: It's On Consoles
Sure, the console version of Diablo III is made by the same developer and features all the same content of the PC version. There's just one problem – it's on consoles! There's no way the PC-fueled brilliance of the Diablo series can be translated to a controller and television screen [Editor's Note: It totally can]. Impress your friends by condescendingly dismissing the console versions as dumbed-down ports for gamers who are too stupid to figure out how a mouse works.
Backup Complaint: It's Still Not Diablo II!

Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag
Haters Gonna Hate: A Gateway To Animal Cruelty
In addition to exploring the cities of Havana, Kingston, and Nassau, AC IV: Black Flag introduces players to a bevy of new pirate-themed activities on the open seas. It should be a lot of fun – if you're an animal-slaughtering psychopath. Ubisoft Montreal has revealed that players can hunt sharks and whales in the game, activities that will undoubtedly lead to countless gamers going on real-life poaching expeditions. Forget the millions of random guards players have ruthlessly shot, stabbed, and (my personal favorite) pushed off of rooftops in the series – won't someone stand up for the rights of digital marine life?
Backup Complaint: Pirates Are As Clichéd As Zombies

Killzone: Shadow Fall
Haters Gonna Hate: More Of The Same
This one's easy. Killzone: Shadow Fall doesn't do anything new! All you do is run around with guns and shoot bad guys – real original. It takes place on a sci-fi planet? Uh, been there, done that. The Helghast are involved in a conflict? Puh-lease. If you need any more proof that this series is out of ideas, Shadow Fall even has multiplayer. Talk about a by-the-numbers sequel.

Note: While this kind of overgeneralization is amazingly powerful for dismissing first-person shooters, it works with virtually any genre. Rayman Legends? All you do is run around and jump on stuff. Dragon Age: Inquisition? All you do is talk to characters and level up. Forza 5? All you do is drive cars in a circle. Works every time!  
Backup Complaint: Jimmy Fallon Played It On Television – Gross!

Watch Dogs
Haters Gonna Hate: Big Brother
Watch Dogs takes place in a dynamic, modern-day open world that mixes single- and multiplayer gameplay in new and interesting ways. However, if you play the game you might as well run the Bill of Rights through a shredder. Watch Dogs glorifies personal-privacy violations by allowing the player to spy on characters using security cameras, commit identity theft on unsuspecting civilians, and even hack people's smartphones! Given the recent political headlines and privacy concerns regarding Xbox One's Kinect, serving up these kinds of illegal activities as entertainment is unconscionable.

Some people will say that Watch Dogs is trying to warn players of the danger of intrusive technology – but the game sure makes hacking into people's lives look like a lot of fun. Do I smell government propaganda?
Backup Complaint: It's Just Assassin's Creed In The Modern Age

Email the author , or follow on , , and .

comments
    Previous 1 2 3 4 5 Next ... Last