The lights are on
now and then I try to impart some of the wisdom I've accrued from my distinguished
career as a professional gamer to the common men and women out there who enjoy games
merely as a hobby. I look at it as one of the responsibilities that comes with
my natural talent, and my guides for Skyrim
Cry 3 have undoubtedly lifted countless players out of their once-accepted mediocrity,
even if none of them have had the decency to thank me for my help. Today I'm
back with a list of tips for surviving Lara Croft's latest adventure.
each entry, I outline how an amateur gamer might handle the situation. If that
description sounds like the way you're playing, don't be ashamed; we can all
get better. Well, except for me – but that's where the pro descriptions come
in. They explain how I personally handled each situation, so study them well to
be more like me.
scrambling to get out of a collapsing cave, a demented madman grabs you from
behind.How an amateur handles it: Follow
the onscreen prompts to shake him off and escape.How a pro handles it: Lackadaisically
wiggle the analogue stick out of contempt for quick-time events, getting
crushed by a boulder in the process. Wiggle more vigorously the second time,
but overlook the button prompt at the end of the sequence and get crushed by the
same boulder. Wiggle your way through the sequence a third time, then hit the
button as soon as it appears onscreen, not realizing it has to be a timed press.
Get crushed by the boulder. Again. Play through it a fourth time while
muttering to yourself how stupid QTEs are.
escaping the cave, you come across a campfire.How an amateur handles it: Sit
down to save your game and upgrade your skills and gear.How a pro handles it:
Try jumping on top of the campfire to see if it's possible to burn yourself.
When you take damage, continue jumping and rolling through the flames to see if
you can actually take enough damage to kill yourself. Upon dying, wonder if
psychologists have a name for whatever mental condition makes you do the things
enter a wolf den in search of a radio.How an amateur handles it: Forge
ahead. After finding the radio, fight off the alpha wolf by following the
onscreen prompts.How a pro handles it: Inch
along inside the cave, jumping at every scripted noise while simultaneously
feeling stupid for falling for them. Freak out when the wolf jumps on you as if
you were a six-year-old seeing Gmork from The
Neverending Story for the first time. Spend 20 minutes after the fight googling
pictures of Gmork for comparison (I swear they're related).
quest for Lara's fellow crew members brings you to a new location.How an amateur handles it: Activate
Lara's Survival Instinct mode to locate your objective and other items of
interest.How a pro handles it: Scour
every inch of your new surroundings, breaking pots and jumping at nets that are
clearly out of reach while wondering what they're for. Startle yourself by
stumbling into a thorny bush and taking damage, then stand underneath a hanging
lantern and jump repeatedly because you find it funny when Lara hits her head.
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.