The lights are on
Pokémon Black and White introduced players to a fifth generation of Pokémon, bringing the total number of pocket monsters to just under a billion. With so many Pokémon available, how is a trainer supposed to know which ones are the best? Simple: I'm about to tell you which ones are the best. So grab a pen and some paper – you're going to want to take notes.
I'm obviously a Pokémon expert, as evident by my stunning
analysis of some of the new Pokémon in the original Black and White. However,
because I have yet to play Version 2, I asked my fellow editor Kyle to give me
his picks of the best Generation V Pokémon, so that I might provide my
professional assessment of them for your edification. However, it didn't take
me long to realize his picks are all horrible, so after analyzing his pathetic
lineup, I'm also providing what are obviously the real best Gen V Pokémon. Let
the learning begin!
Kyle's Horrendous Picks:
PigniteKyle told me Tepig was his starter Pokémon, so I'm guessing
he thinks Pignite is awesome because of his own silly, sentimental attachment.
There are two problems with this. First, Oshawott is clearly the best starting Pokémon
from B&W (though Tepig is still better than that snooty jerkbag Snivy).
Second, why would he pick Pignite and not Emboar? He probably wasn't good
enough to evolve his Pignite to its final form. Regardless, Pignite
is still pretty good.Official Pokémon Rating
(as decided by me): 5
WatchogI already made fun of Watchog in my previous
analysis – specifically, I questioned how good of a lookout Watchog can be
if he got caught by a trainer in the first place. Especially Kyle! Watchog does
look incredibly pissed off, though, so he can probably intimidate weenie Pokémon
like Deerling.Official Pokémon Rating:
HerdierI'm seriously starting to question Kyle's Pokémon-choosing
abilities. Herdier isn't even a Pokémon. He's a Scottish Terrier. Guess what
happens if you try and make a couple of Scottish Terriers fight each other? You
go to jail for dog fighting, that's what. I'm calling the ASPCA, Kyle!Official Pokémon Rating:
N/AOfficial Dog Rating:
TirtougaTirtouga ends up being better than most of Kyle's choices,
but I have to wonder: Why do we need another turtle Pokémon when we've already
got Squirtle? I get that Tirtouga is a Water/Rock hybrid Pokémon, but it still
seems like he's horning in on Squirtle's game, and Squirtle is straight up O.G.
– I certainly wouldn't mess with him.Official Pokémon Rating:
6 (Squirtle's Official Pokémon Rating: 10)
MusharnaKyle obviously didn't read my previous Pokémon analysis,
because Musharna is another disturbing selection that I already took to task. This
is what I wrote previously:
"My God, this Pokémon is still a fetus! What kind
of sicko is going to make a fetus fight?"
Clearly we now have the answer: Kyle is that kind of sicko.Official Pokémon Rating:
Coming Up Next: More lousy picks by Kyle...
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