Sometimes it’s the big questions in life that really matter. What is the meaning of life? Who shot first? Team Edward or Team Jacob? Other times, people just ask dumb questions and smarter, more superior people try and answer them as best they can. This brings us to the big question that is on everybody’s mind (since they read the title): Which gaming icon would survive best on a desert island? 

To answer this most pressing question, we powered up our super-hyper Computron 9001 and plugged in all of the data we could find on some of video game’s most iconic characters. Each gaming icon will be hypothetically placed on separate, inescapable desert islands that sustain small ecosystems and rated arbitrarily based on their imaginary performance. This is science, not opinion.

Mario – Arguably gaming’s most famous icon would die of starvation or poisoning rather quickly. While the plucky Italian plumber has a wide variety of skills ranging from baseball and go-karting to single-handedly destroying kingdoms, cooking is a surprising blank spot in his repertoire. He has been eating pasta, spicy fireflowers, and mushrooms his entire life. He might be able to jump on the occasional sea turtle, but he certainly wouldn’t be able to stomach his catch. Furthermore, Mario has no actual survival skills. Sure, he can hop around, shoot fire from his hands, and wear ridiculous costumes, but those aren’t going to help him live through a hurricane. He is a doctor, but he has no way of discerning poisonous food from others, as evidenced by his willingness to eat obviously poisoned mushrooms with skulls on them. These two traits would lead to a rather unpleasant end for everyone’s favorite plumber.

Rating: F

Kirby – You would think that Kirby would do well on a desert island. He can eat practically anything and he can absorb knowledge and abilities from the things he eats. The very thing that you think would allow him to thrive on a desert island would actually be his downfall. One thing that Kirby lacks is self-control. The instant that little bugger gets hungry, you can bet that he is going to eat every single critter on that island. After savagely destroying the island’s wildlife and vegetation, the intrepid pink puffball would die of starvation.

Rating: D-

Kratos – Who can hope to contain a man that has two blades attached to his arms and seethes with the fury of a god? Kratos wouldn’t last long on a desert island, not because he would be incapable of surviving (Kratos ain’t going to die like no chump!), but because he would construct a raft and attempt to escape the island. Of course, in this hypothetical scenario, it would be impossible for Kratos to escape. But the impossibility of doing something like, for example, killing a deity, has never stopped Kratos from trying in the past.

Rating: B-   

Fox McCloud – Some heroes are really just animals at heart. Though he may be one of the best mercenary fox-pilots in the universe, Fox McCloud is also quite the skilled survivalist. He proved in Star Fox Adventures that he could succeed in a hostile and primitive environment while engaging in paw-to-claw combat with dinosaurs. Let me say that again: he fought dinosaurs with his bare hands (paws?) If nothing else, this shows he is capable of fending for himself in the wild. His combat prowess combined with his natural foxy instincts mean that he is going to do very well on the island and probably go on to build a summer home there.

Rating: A

Sonic – Hedgehogs are not typically known for their hunting skills or ability to distill freshwater from seawater. Sonic might be fast, but would he really be willing to eat small, defenseless animals? Can he live off only palm fronds? Furthermore, my money is on Sonic being the character that gets thirsty and drinks the saltwater. Even super-powered hedgehogs get dehydrated. 

Rating: C