After The Game: The Fate Of Our Favorite Characters

Some video game characters have devoted their lives to fighting evil forces and saving the day. But there comes a time when even the most prolific heroes must hang up their hats. What will our favorite video game protagonists do when they become normal citizens in their respective worlds? Here's what our crystal ball tells us.

Name: Mario
Profession: Plumber, Carpenter, Doctor, Archeologist, Boxing Referee, etc.
After The Game: After continually thwarting Bowser's nefarious plans, Mario finally settles down and marries Peach. To further reduce his stress level, Mario also decides to give up his numerous side careers and focus solely on being a plumber. After a few days, however, he realizes he doesn't know anything about plumbing, and can't figure out how he's supposed to unclog a normal-sized pipe if he can't jump inside of it.

A few years after retirement, Mario suffers a serious legal scare when he's sued by a number of former patients for practicing medicine without a degree during his Dr. Mario days. To his relief, however, the case is thrown out when it's discovered the statute of limitations for his crimes has expired. Viewing it as a sign from a higher power, Mario decides to fall back on his sizable gold coin collection and become a stay-at-home dad to his 12 children. On a daily basis, Mario wonders why half of his children have horns and tails, but whenever he brings up the conversation with Peach she nervously changes the subject.

Name: Pikachu
Profession: Pokémon Battle Competitor, Indentured Servant
After The Game: After years of attending night school in secret, Pikachu finally learns how to say more than just his own name. During a championship competition, Pikachu uses his new oratory skills on the floor of the battle arena to give a rousing speech to his fellow Pokémon, calling for them to cast off the chains of oppression and join him in a Poké-revolution against their cruel "trainers." To the fevered cheering of the thousands of Pokémon in attendance, Pikachu then zaps Ash in the butt – to death.

Unlike most of the cartoony violence seen in the Pokémon universe, Ash's electrocution is a gruesome sight, underscoring the decades of abuse Pikachu and his fellow Pokémon have suffered. It whips the crowd into a frenzy, and the Pokémon police force, led by Officer Jenny, is drastically underequipped to deal with the ensuing revolt. The Pokémon quickly overthrow and enslave their human captors, forcing them to fight in their own cruel gladiator matches. It's an ironic reminder that Pokémon aren't born pocket monsters – they're made monsters by the brutal treatment of their owners.

Name: Sam Fisher
Profession: Third Echelon Field Operative
After The Game: It's no coincidence that Sam Fisher becomes younger and younger in each new Splinter Cell sequel. While some gamers have chalked it up to consecutive reboots of the character, the truth is far more curious: Sam Fisher suffers from Benjamin Button disease.

The disease works in Fisher's favor for a number of years, as he continues to become quicker, deadlier, and more efficient. Unfortunately, his string of successful missions ends when Fisher hits puberty; while infiltrating a foreign embassy, Fisher's voice cracks during a heated radio conversation, giving away his position to the enemy.

Fisher's service record continues to degrade as he reverse-ages, ending in a few failed but hilarious missions as a fumbling toddler. Eventually, he just becomes a dumb, grumpy baby.

Name: Nathan Drake
Profession: Treasure Hunter
After The Game: After years of chasing clues around the globe, Nathan Drake finally finds the treasure he's been looking for, proving to the world once and for all that he's the descendent of Sir Francis Drake. With his life's goal accomplished, Drake reassesses what's important to him. At the top of his list: remarrying his estranged wife, Elena Fisher.

With his best man Sully looking on, Drake reaffirms his vows to Elena in a picturesque beachside wedding. But before the couple can officially re-tie the knot, the FBI breaks up the party, arresting Nathan Drake and charging him with the murder of the 10,000 or so treasure hunters and bodyguards he's gunned down over the years. His claims of self defense are rejected in light of the towering body count and his fondness for flippantly dispensing one-liners in supposedly life-threatening situations. Drake goes down in history as the most notorious serial killer of all time.

Name: Master Chief
Profession: UNSC Officer
After The Game: Make no mistake; Master Chief will never retire. The consummate soldier, Master Chief continues to fight in every war, regardless of his odds of success or ferocity of the enemy. While Master Chief's combat abilities remain as sharp as ever, the super soldier acquires one unfortunate habit that grates on his fellow soldiers over the years, leading to a conflict that can't be resolved with a gun.

After watching Lethal Weapon one night, Master Chief begins making the "I'm getting too old for this sh--" joke every time he steps onto the battlefield. Initially, the other soldiers find it funny. After a few months, however, their polite laughter is replaced by awkward silence and cold glares. Despite their disapproval, Master Chief makes the joke with increased frequency; meals in the mess hall, downtime in the barracks – everything is sh-- that Master Chief is too old for.

After decades of listening to the same tired joke, the UNSC realizes that Master Chief will never stop, and the only way to get rid of him is to promote him off of the battlefield. One day at an impromptu ceremony, the top brass declare Master Chief "President of the Universe," before quickly ushering him into a shuttle and launching him out to the "Super Big White House in space." Only Master Chief fails to realize it's not a real position.

Name: Gordon Freeman
Profession: Theoretical Physicist
After The Game: Nothing is more important to Freeman than finishing his fight against The Combine, but after years of waiting, he eventually has to face the fact that there is no end to Half-Life, and he has to get a real job. With the world in shambles, theoretical physicist positions are in short supply, which leads Freeman into a dangerous but lucrative job cooking meth.

At first, Freeman's new career seems like a good move, but it soon leads him into a series of poor decisions – including selling Dog for scrap metal and using the portal gun to spy on Alyx in the bathroom – that hold grave consequences for him and his loved ones.

Name: Link
Profession: Boy Hero
After The Game: After learning from his past mistakes, Link discovers the key to killing Ganondorf once and for all: Stabbing him in the face 50 times, instead of just once. With Hyrule's main nemesis gone, Zelda is more than happy to marry her savior, but a stark realization prevents Link from settling down – he still hasn't reached puberty yet. Why the heck hasn't he reached puberty yet?

This nagging question causes Link to undertake a new adventure, to track down a gene therapist who can tell him why he won't grow up. Maybe it's a pituitary thing?

Eventually, Link realizes Hyrule doesn't even have any doctors; the entire population relies on fairies to cure their ailments, and fairies are just as young and androgynous as he is. Giving up, Link decides to put his extensive knowledge of musical instruments to good use by starting a one-man (or in his case, one-boy) band. He eventually changes his name to Justin Bieber.

Name: Professor Layton
Profession: Detective, Archeology Professor
After The Game: Few video game characters exhibit the intellect or deductive reasoning that Layton does, but one major and repeated misjudgment eventually leads to criminal charges that end his successful sleuth-for-hire business. 

After years of helping people solve their problems, Layton is charged with over a dozen counts of child endangerment, for dragging his prepubescent apprentice Luke to a variety of dangerous crime scenes. Layton pleads no contest in light of the overwhelming evidence; after all, what excuse is there for having a child help track down a box that kills anyone who opens it, or traveling 10 years into the future without a plan for how to return to the present?

The criminal charges cost Layton his tenure at Gressenheller University, but all is not lost; the former professor begins a lucrative new career writing a series of popular puzzle books.

Name: Solid Snake
Profession: Special Operative
After The Game: In Metal Gear Solid 4, it's revealed that Solid Snake has been genetically engineered to age faster than most human beings. Considering his age in MGS 4 and the fact that he's been trying to retire since the original Metal Gear Solid, the beloved operative doesn't have many missions left in his future. After all, the MGS plotline is difficult enough to keep straight for a young, healthy mind, much less the shriveled brain of some super geez.

Like a true hero, however, Solid Snake doesn't go down without a fight; during one last mission involving the infiltration of a Metal Gear facility, Snake performs the greatest stealth move of all-time. While hiding in an innocuous cardboard box like he has so many times before, a few eagle-eyed soldiers spot the container and approach. However, when the enemy operatives lift up the box, all they find is a pile of bone dust, which scatters effortlessly in the breeze.

Name: Bomberman
Profession: Bomberman
After The Game: After countless brushes with death, Bomberman decides to stop tempting fate and retire from adventuring. Deciding to put his experience of blowing up crap to good use, Bomberman becomes a demolitions instructor, in the hopes of helping future Bombermen avoid the fatal accidents that so many of his closest coworkers fell victim to. He's lauded by Bomberman society for his wisdom, strong work ethic, and generosity. Living well into his sixties, Bomberman's humanitarian efforts come to a tragic end when he dies in his home one day from a bad case of the diarrhea bombs.