The lights are on
Some video game characters have devoted their lives to
fighting evil forces and saving the day. But there comes a time when even the
most prolific heroes must hang up their hats. What will our favorite video game
protagonists do when they become normal citizens in their respective worlds? Here's
what our crystal ball tells us.
Plumber, Carpenter, Doctor, Archeologist, Boxing Referee, etc.After The Game: After
continually thwarting Bowser's nefarious plans, Mario finally settles down and
marries Peach. To further reduce his stress level, Mario also decides to give
up his numerous side careers and focus solely on being a plumber. After a few
days, however, he realizes he doesn't know anything about plumbing, and can't
figure out how he's supposed to unclog a normal-sized pipe if he can't jump inside of it.
A few years after retirement, Mario suffers a serious legal
scare when he's sued by a number of former patients for practicing medicine
without a degree during his Dr. Mario days. To his relief, however, the case is
thrown out when it's discovered the statute of limitations for his crimes has expired. Viewing it
as a sign from a higher power, Mario decides to fall back on his sizable gold
coin collection and become a stay-at-home dad to his 12 children. On a
daily basis, Mario wonders why half of his children have horns and tails, but
whenever he brings up the conversation with Peach she nervously changes the subject.
Name: PikachuProfession: Pokémon
Battle Competitor, Indentured ServantAfter The Game: After
years of attending night school in secret, Pikachu finally learns how to say
more than just his own name. During a championship competition, Pikachu uses
his new oratory skills on the floor of the battle arena to give a rousing
speech to his fellow Pokémon, calling for them to cast off the chains of
oppression and join him in a Poké-revolution against their cruel "trainers." To
the fevered cheering of the thousands of Pokémon in attendance, Pikachu then
zaps Ash in the butt – to death.
Unlike most of the cartoony violence seen in the Pokémon universe,
Ash's electrocution is a gruesome sight, underscoring the decades of abuse
Pikachu and his fellow Pokémon have suffered. It whips the crowd into a frenzy,
and the Pokémon police force, led by Officer Jenny, is drastically
underequipped to deal with the ensuing revolt. The Pokémon quickly overthrow and
enslave their human captors, forcing them to fight in their own cruel gladiator
matches. It's an ironic reminder that Pokémon aren't born pocket monsters –
they're made monsters by the brutal treatment of their owners.
Name: Sam FisherProfession: Third
Echelon Field OperativeAfter The Game: It's
no coincidence that Sam Fisher becomes younger and younger in each new Splinter
Cell sequel. While some gamers have chalked it up to consecutive reboots of the
character, the truth is far more curious: Sam Fisher suffers from Benjamin
The disease works in Fisher's favor for a number of years,
as he continues to become quicker, deadlier, and more efficient. Unfortunately,
his string of successful missions ends when Fisher hits puberty; while
infiltrating a foreign embassy, Fisher's voice cracks during a heated radio
conversation, giving away his position to the enemy.
Fisher's service record continues to degrade as he
reverse-ages, ending in a few failed but hilarious missions as a fumbling toddler.
Eventually, he just becomes a dumb, grumpy baby.
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.
This whole feature was hilarious. Each one was funny.
HAH that was great.
This was amazing. Benjemen Button disease...
GI needs to do more crazy articles like this. I could not stop laughing.
Oh man, The Curious Case of Sam Fisher was definitely hilarious to think about... That and the Pokemon revolution.
I knew Sam had Benjamin Button disease
Jeff this was a funny article thank you for making it.