The lights are on
Summer is officially here, which means it's time to start
planning a vacation. If you're thinking about taking some time off in a video
game world, here's a list of places you'll want to avoid visiting.
Look, I get it; video game locations don't exist in the real
world, so you can't really visit them. Just suspend your disbelief as I take
you on a virtual tour of some of gaming's worst vacation spots, okay? Let's
start with the obvious.
Circle of Lust (Dante's Inferno)You'd have to be a real idiot to consider hell
as a vacation destination, but if you're already going there, the circle of
lust may seem like your best bet. Let me tell you, it ain't. The scantily-clad
temptresses might remind you of Las Vegas – only these seductresses have
scorpion tentacles shooting out of their crotches, which I'm pretty sure is
outlawed by the state of Nevada.
Lust's main tourist location is Carnal Tower, a
giant, phallic spire that serves as Cleopatra's throne. The tower is full of
erotic statues and artwork, and making your way to the top of the tower will
grant you a visit from the giant, topless pharaoh herself. So far so great – until Cleopatra's nipples turn into serpentine mouths and start puking out
spider demon babies, who cut you to ribbons with their creepy scythe arms.
Plus, the temperature in hell totally sucks.
Tuchanka (Mass Effect Series)The Mass Effect series is full of diverse,
imaginative planets to explore, but if you're looking for a fun world for a
vacation, don't go to Tuchanka. Wrex's homeworld is basically just a nuked desert,
and the bloodthirsty krogan probably wouldn't be amused by your Hawaiian shirt
collection or beach umbrella. Then there's Kalros, the universe's biggest
If that's not enough to turn you off to a visit
to Tuchanka, check out this official warning from the Mass Effect codex: "TRAVEL
ADVISORY: The ecology of Tuchanka is deadly. Nearly every native species
engages in some predatory behavior; even the remaining vegetation is
carnivorous. Travel beyond guarded areas is strongly discouraged."
Even the plants are deadly! Do yourself a favor
and go to the planet that has those sexy blue aliens instead.
Pandora (Borderlands)Another bad choice for an extraterrestrial
vacation, Pandora is a godforsaken dustbowl full of demented creatures aiming
to kill you. Sure, gun nuts might appreciate the opportunity to expand their firearm
collections, but they'll have to contend with flaming psycho midgets, killer
skags (which come in fire-breathing, acid-spewing, and electricity-shooting varieties),
and about a dozen different boss monsters that look like vaginas.
Even Pandora's humans are all insane, like Moxxi,
who's as homicidal as she is busty, and Dr. Ned, who unleashed a zombie plague
upon the planet. The only character that might not kill you is Claptrap, and
human/robot relations with him have been dicey ever since he started his robot
revolution. You should probably cross Pandora off your list.
Next: Some towns and cities you'll want to avoid.
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.
Why do I have this weirdest urge to go and play Dantes Inferno now?
I don't know Skyrim sounds fun all you need is a house in solitude.
pandora sounds great so long as there are guns to loot.
I lawled at Dan as mayor of Flatulent Swamps. Jeff, I want more silly posts like this. thanks!
Do i even have to say it? Raccoon City!
Planet reach should be there
i think the fallout wasteland would be a pretty awful experience
Raccoon City, anyone?
Haha this is great! I know that Raccoon city will definitely make the list on the next post, "Towns & Cities you'll want to avoid".
steelport from saints row the third, and any minecraft world
What about the outland from WoW?
What about rapture? Ice shooting, killer hornets, deformed citizens thirsting for your life....... not to mention the citys creepy little girls and their big dadys. Seems much worse. O not to mention the citys on the bottom of the ocean.
E.D.N III from lost planet anybody?
What about Stygia from Bulletstorm?
Even though there's some of Americas greatest monuments there I'd probably avoid the Capitol Wasteland too.
I would like to visit Tuchunka.
Why isn't Castle Brennenburg/Aldstadt (Amnesia: The Dark Descent) on this list?