The lights are on
Summer is officially here, which means it's time to start
planning a vacation. If you're thinking about taking some time off in a video
game world, here's a list of places you'll want to avoid visiting.
Look, I get it; video game locations don't exist in the real
world, so you can't really visit them. Just suspend your disbelief as I take
you on a virtual tour of some of gaming's worst vacation spots, okay? Let's
start with the obvious.
Circle of Lust (Dante's Inferno)You'd have to be a real idiot to consider hell
as a vacation destination, but if you're already going there, the circle of
lust may seem like your best bet. Let me tell you, it ain't. The scantily-clad
temptresses might remind you of Las Vegas – only these seductresses have
scorpion tentacles shooting out of their crotches, which I'm pretty sure is
outlawed by the state of Nevada.
Lust's main tourist location is Carnal Tower, a
giant, phallic spire that serves as Cleopatra's throne. The tower is full of
erotic statues and artwork, and making your way to the top of the tower will
grant you a visit from the giant, topless pharaoh herself. So far so great – until Cleopatra's nipples turn into serpentine mouths and start puking out
spider demon babies, who cut you to ribbons with their creepy scythe arms.
Plus, the temperature in hell totally sucks.
Tuchanka (Mass Effect Series)The Mass Effect series is full of diverse,
imaginative planets to explore, but if you're looking for a fun world for a
vacation, don't go to Tuchanka. Wrex's homeworld is basically just a nuked desert,
and the bloodthirsty krogan probably wouldn't be amused by your Hawaiian shirt
collection or beach umbrella. Then there's Kalros, the universe's biggest
If that's not enough to turn you off to a visit
to Tuchanka, check out this official warning from the Mass Effect codex: "TRAVEL
ADVISORY: The ecology of Tuchanka is deadly. Nearly every native species
engages in some predatory behavior; even the remaining vegetation is
carnivorous. Travel beyond guarded areas is strongly discouraged."
Even the plants are deadly! Do yourself a favor
and go to the planet that has those sexy blue aliens instead.
Pandora (Borderlands)Another bad choice for an extraterrestrial
vacation, Pandora is a godforsaken dustbowl full of demented creatures aiming
to kill you. Sure, gun nuts might appreciate the opportunity to expand their firearm
collections, but they'll have to contend with flaming psycho midgets, killer
skags (which come in fire-breathing, acid-spewing, and electricity-shooting varieties),
and about a dozen different boss monsters that look like vaginas.
Even Pandora's humans are all insane, like Moxxi,
who's as homicidal as she is busty, and Dr. Ned, who unleashed a zombie plague
upon the planet. The only character that might not kill you is Claptrap, and
human/robot relations with him have been dicey ever since he started his robot
revolution. You should probably cross Pandora off your list.
Next: Some towns and cities you'll want to avoid.
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.