The lights are on
Max Payne has had a pretty miserable life, and it doesn't
look like his luck will change any time soon. We dream up some humorous
disasters awaiting Rockstar's hard-boiled detective, based on some Max Payne 3
Disaster #1: While showing off his new gun to his partner,
things go horribly awry."Carl had been talking
my ear off about his choice heater for months, so I couldn't wait to introduce
him to my new acquaintances: Smith & Wesson. Unfortunately, the trigger's a
little sensitive, and my new friends did more than talk. This will come back to
bite me during my year-end review."
Disaster #2: A chronic inner-ear infection makes Max tip
over at inopportune times."Trading lead with
punks is tough enough, but every time my ear gets plugged, I eat more floor
than a Hoover. Maybe if I look serious on the way down, these mopes will think
I'm doing it on purpose..."
Disaster #3: Max's ear infection gets him fired from his new
job as a window washer."I thought Lady Luck
was finally smiling down on me; turns out she was just pursing her lips to spit
in my face. I'm pretty good with a squeegee, but even I can't wipe away the
shame of losing another job."
Disaster #4: Max suffers a herniated disc due to his
constant falling."My doc recommended I hole
up somewhere until I heal. 'You won't be much use to the law if you can't stay
on your feet,' he said. I told him crime doesn't sleep, and a cat can't claw
with all four paws unless it's lying on its back."
Disaster #5: Max finally agrees to a much-needed vacation,
but his hired driver fails to meet him at the airport."I waited for my
contact, but like everyone else in my life, he wasn't there when I needed him.
If that's not bad enough, my cell phone reception is as spotty as a firehouse
mutt. Now I have to carry my own duffle bag like an a--hole."
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.