The lights are on
Xbox 360 owners will finally get a chance to try out The
Witcher 2 later this month. To prepare for the epic fantasy RPG, I thought I’d
introduce you to some of the characters you’ll be meeting, complete with my own
I’ll be honest, I don’t know a lot about the fantasy genre. I
saw those movies where Elijah Woods had furry feet and was fighting with some creepy
guy over a ring, but that’s about it. That said, my incredible insights into Pokémon,
V, and Skyrim
have proven invaluable to gamers, so when Adam told me that The Witcher 2 is a
great game even though the main character is something called a witcher, I
decided it was time to investigate. After countless hours of research and analysis, here’s
what I’ve come up with.
Rivera Geralt of RiviaOccupation: WitcherAnalysis: This is
not at all what I thought a witcher would look like. I was expecting more black
lipstick and a wardrobe you could buy at Hot Topic. Instead, Geralt is pretty
bad-ass. He’s got a couple of swords, some metal knee pads, and a wicked scar
over one of his eyes – which appear to be glowing yellow, I might add. I’m not
sure how old Geralt is, but it’s probably one of those fantasy things where he’s
like 110 years old, but physically he’s 25 and just has white hair.
According to the Witcher Wiki, Geralt
has two nicknames: “The White Wolf,” which is okay, and the much superior title,
the “Butcher of Blaviken.” You don’t want to mess with pretty much anyone who’s
referred to as a butcher – even actual butchers. Plus, it turns out that
witchers aren’t as wimpy as they sound. They actually travel the world killing
monsters for a living. Kind of like Clint Eastwood in A Fistful of Dollars, only with more monsters and fewer ponchos.Rating: Awesome
Name: LethoOccupation: WitcherAnalysis: Oh man,
this guy might be even more bad-ass than Geralt. One thing’s for sure: I
definitely had this witcher occupation all wrong. Letho is a witcher from the
School of the Viper, which I’m guessing is the Harvard of monster killing academies. He’s even bigger than Geralt, has cooler
metal knee pads (complete with shin guards!), and one-ups Geralt’s eye scar
with a giant bald head scar.
Letho is known as a Kingslayer. You can’t get much more
hardcore than regicide, but the term “Kingslayer” doesn’t sound very
professional, like you’re just wandering around slaying kings willy-nilly.
Also, why has a monster hunter spent so much time killing royalty that he’s
acquired a nickname for it? Stick to the task at hand, Letho.
I’m not sure if Letho and Geralt are rivals, but something
tells me they probably don’t get along, and I’m not sure who would win in a
Name: DethmoldOccupation: MageAnalysis: Dethmold,
huh? I think I have some of that growing in my shower. As far as mage names go,
I guess Dethmold is scary, but any apprehension it evokes is instantly negated
by his funny red hat. That thing looks like an old lady’s swimming cap.
Also, I think this guy might be a Pokémon trainer, based on
the balls he has tied to his waist. And is his main weapon a weather
vane? How is that helpful? In the heat of battle the best thing this guy can do
is tell his enemy which way the wind is blowing. He better have some high level
pocket monsters in those balls of his, otherwise he doesn’t stand a chance
against Geralt.Rating: Not Scary
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.
Hillarious as always. I'm really looking forward to this game.
Long time Jeff "Hangtime" Marchiafava. Another great read
I already knew some or most of that stuff but still a cool, and as always funny, article.
Ha! "Not just a figurative curse of incest." I loved this.
I wish I could upvote this.
In completely unrelated news: Fallout 1 is completely free on GOG.com right now!
Loved the Spectacular rating for Sile de Tansarville. Very fitting line to end the article on.
I really don't care about Witcher, maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't, but I like Dethmold's cap. Should try putting one like that on my sister's cat.
Ok, I think you went a bit far on this one Jeff. I liked your Pokemon, Soul Caliber, and Skyrim ones but you basically just spoiled most of the characters in the game for people, including revealing who the chief antagonist is and one of the key mysterious factions.
This sort of thing works great when a games characters are as meaningful as a fly on the wall but for this game, a story driven RPG unlike Skyrim, you really can't go revealing characters' pasts and plot relevance.
I love The Witcher, but this made me laugh so hard. But I always thought Iorveth's bow was pretty ***.