Xbox 360 owners will finally get a chance to try out The Witcher 2 later this month. To prepare for the epic fantasy RPG, I thought I’d introduce you to some of the characters you’ll be meeting, complete with my own expert analysis.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know a lot about the fantasy genre. I saw those movies where Elijah Woods had furry feet and was fighting with some creepy guy over a ring, but that’s about it. That said, my incredible insights into Pokémon, SoulCalibur V, and Skyrim have proven invaluable to gamers, so when Adam told me that The Witcher 2 is a great game even though the main character is something called a witcher, I decided it was time to investigate. After countless hours of research and analysis, here’s what I’ve come up with.

Name: Geraldo Rivera Geralt of Rivia
Occupation: Witcher
Analysis: This is not at all what I thought a witcher would look like. I was expecting more black lipstick and a wardrobe you could buy at Hot Topic. Instead, Geralt is pretty bad-ass. He’s got a couple of swords, some metal knee pads, and a wicked scar over one of his eyes – which appear to be glowing yellow, I might add. I’m not sure how old Geralt is, but it’s probably one of those fantasy things where he’s like 110 years old, but physically he’s 25 and just has white hair.

According to the Witcher Wiki, Geralt has two nicknames: “The White Wolf,” which is okay, and the much superior title, the “Butcher of Blaviken.” You don’t want to mess with pretty much anyone who’s referred to as a butcher – even actual butchers. Plus, it turns out that witchers aren’t as wimpy as they sound. They actually travel the world killing monsters for a living. Kind of like Clint Eastwood in A Fistful of Dollars, only with more monsters and fewer ponchos.
Rating: Awesome

Name: Letho
Occupation: Witcher
Analysis: Oh man, this guy might be even more bad-ass than Geralt. One thing’s for sure: I definitely had this witcher occupation all wrong. Letho is a witcher from the School of the Viper, which I’m guessing is the Harvard of monster killing academies. He’s even bigger than Geralt, has cooler metal knee pads (complete with shin guards!), and one-ups Geralt’s eye scar with a giant bald head scar.

Letho is known as a Kingslayer. You can’t get much more hardcore than regicide, but the term “Kingslayer” doesn’t sound very professional, like you’re just wandering around slaying kings willy-nilly. Also, why has a monster hunter spent so much time killing royalty that he’s acquired a nickname for it? Stick to the task at hand, Letho.

I’m not sure if Letho and Geralt are rivals, but something tells me they probably don’t get along, and I’m not sure who would win in a fight.
Rating: Awesomer?

Name: Dethmold
Occupation: Mage
Analysis: Dethmold, huh? I think I have some of that growing in my shower. As far as mage names go, I guess Dethmold is scary, but any apprehension it evokes is instantly negated by his funny red hat. That thing looks like an old lady’s swimming cap.

Also, I think this guy might be a Pokémon trainer, based on the balls he has tied to his waist. And is his main weapon a weather vane? How is that helpful? In the heat of battle the best thing this guy can do is tell his enemy which way the wind is blowing. He better have some high level pocket monsters in those balls of his, otherwise he doesn’t stand a chance against Geralt.
Rating: Not Scary