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Hey BioWare, While You're At It...

Feature
by Jeff Cork on March 21, 2012 at 04:08 PM
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BioWare's Mass Effect 3 has been grabbing its share of headlines lately, though not for reasons the studio may have been hoping for. An outspoken group of fans has been raking the game over the coals for what they say is a disappointing ending filled with plot holes. Some have voiced their displeasure via petitions, while one particularly incensed gamer has taken his complaints to the Federal Trade Commission. BioWare has responded, saying that it's in the process of revisiting the trilogy's ending. But why stop there? We've got a list of things that BioWare should put on its to-do list.

1. Redo Dragon Age 2
All of it.

2. Bring Back Every Crew Member Who Has Died In The Mass Effect Trilogy
Death is sad and gamers don’t like sad things! Except for Kaiden. F-- that guy.

3. Create Explicit Sex Scenes in Mass Effect
Fox News kept insisting it was there, so BioWare needs to oblige our creepy fantasies. We won't be satisfied until we see Garrus' cricket genitals.

4. Turn The Old Republic From An MMO Into A Single-Player RPG
Nobody likes talking to other players, unless they're mobilizing support for a ridiculous petition.

5. Where's HK-47?
In the (horrible) ending of Mass Effect 3, the Illusive man needs to pull off his face, revealing that he was the fan-favorite KotOR droid all along.

6. KotOR Needs To Shock Us Each Time
Everyone knows about the whole Revan thing by now. Couldn't BioWare add a twist-generating engine, so players are surprised whenever they play it again?

7. Have male and female Shepard meet 
We've been waiting for this climactic event for three games, and BioWare managed to mess it up. How these two heroes have managed to avoid each other is one of the biggest plot holes in the history of everything.

8. New, Better DLC Strategy
All Mass Effect DLC should be released on day one, should be free, and should be distributed on the game disc.

9. Create New Dragon Age: Origins Party Members
Wardog was the only member of the team who players didn't want to smother in camp. BioWare should--nay, must--revisit the party and replace each one with a different breed of canine.

10. Casey Hudson Would Look Better As A Blonde

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Comments
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  • by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:33 PM
    Wow! While BioWare is "changing" the ending, why don't we change GameInformer into GameOpinionFormer?
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:33 PM

    Brilliant.

  • by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:34 PM

    The cynicism in this article flows hot and heavy. I feel some of it has landed on me, as I am a reader and therefore, probably dumb.

  • by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:34 PM
    So, Dr. Ray Muzyka's post merely says that content will be created to answer questions and provide more clarity, and not that they are changing the ending. So stop acting like this is some major blow to artistic integrity.
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:36 PM
    Just Deux it
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:37 PM

    #8 is my favorite idea.

  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:40 PM

    I can only imagine the discussion you guys have when deciding to create an article like this.

  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:41 PM
    This makes me feel better. Bioware should be getting more praise for an awesome game. Regardless of the ending, the game as a whole is an incredibly emotionally driven experience worth every fraction of a penny of my $60.
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:43 PM
    Nice cricket dong. Keep up the good work boys.
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:43 PM
    I had Cracked open in another tab, almost thought I was reading a tiny Cracked Article.
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:44 PM
    I don't see why people think this is such a bad thing. It's not like they are changing the ending, just adding dlc to add clarity and closure. I see this as BioWare actually caring about what their fans think and actually listening to the feedback they get.
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:47 PM
    I appreciate the humor but surely gameinformer isn't blind enough to say there are no plot holes in the ending. Then again they give every release of call of duty a high score even though they are all the same while they criticize bioshock 2 and other games for doing the same thing. So maybe all of the gameinformer readers should created our own list of things we want to change about gameinformer. Haha.
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:47 PM
    You should be careful about these kind of things GI, you might unintentionally (intentionally?)piss off tens of thousands of people.
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:47 PM
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I GET IT! BECAUSE TAKING THE LEGITIMATE CONCERNS OF SOMEONE WITH A DIFFERING OPINION THAN YOUR OWN AND TURNING THOSE CONCERNS INTO A SERIES OF RIDICULOUS EXTREMIST DEMANDS MAKES YOU SEEM MORE INTELLIGENT AND ATTENTIVE TO DETAIL THAN THEM!!!!!!!! ... Because if there is one thing that the Gameinformer Staff has proven throughout any given episode of "Replay", it is their incredible intelligence and attention to detail.
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:50 PM
    Eh, not really that funny actually.
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:52 PM
    You have earned a trophy - 'Cracked'
  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:52 PM

    Oh, also? This page should be flagged for cricket Dick with no age gate. Real mature, Cork...

  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:57 PM

    Is this gonna be in the Game Infarcer? I sure hope so

  •
    by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 04:58 PM
    I admire the fact that BioWare have decided to look at changing the endings. I don't think that they should HAVE to, but I admire them for listening to their fans. I don't think fans are entitled to anything but I think everyone has the right to criticise. It's entirely up to them whether they want to change it or not but I think it shows that they have the balls to go through with it. Some view BioWare's decision as a "cave-in" but I disagree, I think it shows that they have the ability to listen to feedback and make a decision that applies to the matter. I think this ending controversy is a very big deal and in no way am I saying that BioWare SHOULD change the ending, its not something that they could ignore. As long as they keep to their artistic vision then it should turn out ok.
  • by Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 05:00 PM
    Hah! Good stuff. Too bad you opened with one that a lot of people take seriously. I do believe that most games need 98% more cricket-Dick. Very underrepresented, very sad exclusionary practice to not allow the arthropodically phallused to be proud of their paradoxical packages.
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