A Professional's Guide To SSX

A few days ago EA Sports released a new video containing some handy tips for its upcoming SSX reboot. Those tips are okay – if you want to snowboard like a complete amateur. If you're looking for some real advice, however – advice straight from a professional – this guide is guaranteed to make you snowboarding master.

I'll admit I don't have a lot of experience snowboarding. I've also never wandered around a Nordic fantasy world in real life, but that didn't stop me from writing this invaluable guide to playing Skyrim like a professional. I now take you on a photographic tour of the new SSX, providing indispensible advice that could one day save your life on the slopes.

Pro Tip #1: Going Nuclear
My first tip is also the most important tip: Don't do tricks into nuclear reactors. That's not what they're for. Nuclear reactors are for energy, not tricks. Contrary to what comic books have taught us, nuclear radiation will not give you super powers – unless you consider cancer a super power. If, however, you prefer cancer-free enjoyment, you should avoid snowboarding into nuclear reactors at all costs.

Pro Tip #2: Orientation Matters
Don't snowboard upside down and backwards. It's really dangerous. This is a common mistake among amateurs, but generally speaking you're going to want to spend most of your snowboarding time facing forward, so you can see where you're going. You'll also want to snowboard right-side up, so you land on your feet instead of your head.

Pro Tip #3: Weaponized Snowboarding
Don't snowboard while duel-wielding ice picks. You don't want to be flailing around with those things in your hands while you're bombing down the side of a mountain. What are you planning for, anyway? Do you think you're going to run into a frost troll? No. You're either going to stab yourself, or snag the ice while you're going at ridiculous speeds and rip your arm out of its socket. Either way, bad idea.

Pro Tip #4: Culture Shock
Don't do tricks off of ancient Japanese shrines. Not because it's dangerous or anything, it's just a bit disrespectful.

Pro Tip #5: Get A Haircut
Don't have hair like this guy. It just makes me want to light his head on fire. Is that wrong? Normally I would consider lighting people on fire wrong, but I really feel that in this case it's not wrong, and in fact is completely justified.

Pro Tip #6: Locate Your Nearest Hospital
Here's another style consideration: Don't go snowboarding if you have two broken legs. Having them flop around in the air isn't very aerodynamic, and makes landing a lot tougher. If both of your legs are broken, go to the hospital instead of your local skiing resort.

Pro Tip #7: ???
Don't...mate with a flying squirrel? What is going on in this picture?! None of what's happening here looks very safe, so I'm going to recommend that if you see anything resembling a flying squirrel or the abhorrent offspring of human/flying rodent intercourse, give it a wide berth and hightail it down the mountain.

Pro Tip #8: Psymon Says
Don't be named Psymon. This guy is worse than the mutant squirrel. If you really like the name, spell it "Simon." You're a human being, not a Pokémon.

Pro Tip #9: Terminal Velocity
If you're going so fast that all of your surroundings turn blurry, slow down. You're going too fast! You're going to break the sound barrier or something – which, if my grasp of science is correct, makes your head explode.

Pro Tip #10: Spelunking
Whoo boy. Where to begin? Don't snowboard in the dark, don't snowboard in caves, and if you see a tunnel with an ominous red glow, don't go in it – it's probably a gateway to hell.

Pro Tip #11: Back To Basics
Don't jump out of helicopters. In hindsight, I should have brought this up with the other safety-oriented tips, but I thought it was self-evident. Considering all of the other things these idiots are doing, that is clearly not the case. So here it is. Don't jump out of helicopters.

Pro Tip #12: Rest Stop
If the mountains start talking to you, it's time to take a break. Mountains are not sentient beings, and thus lack the ability to communicate with humans. If you start seeing messages pop up on your surroundings, it's probably because you're going insane. Take that into consideration before you decide to follow the mountain's suggestions, especially if it tells you to start burning things (except for the red-haired guy – you can burn him all you want).

Pro Tip #13: In Case Of Emergency
If you are involved in a plane crash, your first inclination might be to hit the slopes. Resist this urge. You're first priority should be getting help for the other survivors who don't have snowboards, so they don't have to resort to cannibalism while you're out having fun. If snowboarding down the mountain is the fastest way to get help, then you can do so – just don't yell "Wheeeee!" within earshot of the wreckage.

Pro Tip #14: Don't Be This Guy
I don't know what the hell this guy is doing, but don't do it.

Pro Tip #15: Identify The Problem
Don't go snowboarding in an avalanche. I mean seriously, what is wrong with you? Is that how you get your kicks? By performing dangerous stunts with reckless abandon? Why not wrestle a grizzly bear or punt a baby while you're at it? The first step towards recovery is admitting to yourself that you have a problem, and if you're constantly risking your life just for the surge of adrenaline, it's time to admit that you need serious help.