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A Professional's Guide To SSX

A few days ago EA Sports released a new video containing some handy tips for its upcoming SSX reboot. Those tips are okay – if you want to snowboard like a complete amateur. If you're looking for some real advice, however – advice straight from a professional – this guide is guaranteed to make you snowboarding master.

I'll admit I don't have a lot of experience snowboarding. I've also never wandered around a Nordic fantasy world in real life, but that didn't stop me from writing this invaluable guide to playing Skyrim like a professional. I now take you on a photographic tour of the new SSX, providing indispensible advice that could one day save your life on the slopes.


Pro Tip #1: Going Nuclear
My first tip is also the most important tip: Don't do tricks into nuclear reactors. That's not what they're for. Nuclear reactors are for energy, not tricks. Contrary to what comic books have taught us, nuclear radiation will not give you super powers – unless you consider cancer a super power. If, however, you prefer cancer-free enjoyment, you should avoid snowboarding into nuclear reactors at all costs.


Pro Tip #2: Orientation Matters
Don't snowboard upside down and backwards. It's really dangerous. This is a common mistake among amateurs, but generally speaking you're going to want to spend most of your snowboarding time facing forward, so you can see where you're going. You'll also want to snowboard right-side up, so you land on your feet instead of your head.


Pro Tip #3: Weaponized Snowboarding
Don't snowboard while duel-wielding ice picks. You don't want to be flailing around with those things in your hands while you're bombing down the side of a mountain. What are you planning for, anyway? Do you think you're going to run into a frost troll? No. You're either going to stab yourself, or snag the ice while you're going at ridiculous speeds and rip your arm out of its socket. Either way, bad idea.


Pro Tip #4: Culture Shock
Don't do tricks off of ancient Japanese shrines. Not because it's dangerous or anything, it's just a bit disrespectful.


Pro Tip #5: Get A Haircut
Don't have hair like this guy. It just makes me want to light his head on fire. Is that wrong? Normally I would consider lighting people on fire wrong, but I really feel that in this case it's not wrong, and in fact is completely justified.

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