The lights are on
From power-ups to health recovery, food plays a huge role in video games. We had empty stomachs while trying to come up with something original for you to read today, and this is the result. Like a starving chump in a grocery store, we raided gaming’s cupboards to bring out a list of unique digital delicacies we’d love to sample.
A Human Being (Any Zombie Game)
It took us a little while to build up the courage to try uniquely prepared foods like sushi and rare steak, but it’s a lot easier to take a chance when you see people voraciously shoveling it into their mouths. So what’s the deal with human flesh? You can’t play a video game today without encountering droves of undead connoisseurs hungry for that stuff on your skeleton. We’re not sure if it’s legal or not, but it’s time to see what all the hubbub is about.
Probably Tastes Like: Two McRibs (No Onions, Light On The Sauce)
Star (Kirby’s Dreamland)
You ever wonder what a massive, luminous sphere of plasma tastes like? Not Kirby. If the little pink puffball can inhale a mouthful of pure energy, why can’t we just try a little bite? We’re thinking that stars might be a little high in calories, because Kirby seems hell bent at spitting the intergalactic morsels out at his enemies. Nobody can be certain what kind of effect several million degrees have on the taste buds, but you’d probably want to make it the final course.
Probably Tastes Like: Burning
Green Herb (Resident Evil)
Folks flock to Philadelphia for cheese steaks, Chicago for pizza, and Texas for barbeque. But if you want some tasty green shrubbery, your best bet is Raccoon City. For some reason, the infamous S.T.A.R.S. and every other character in the Resident Evil universe have decided that green herbs are the best route for curing all manner of gunshots, bites, infections, and third-degree blood geysers. It’s never quite clear whether these herbs are applied as a salve, combusted, or ingested. Considering how quickly they can be used on your inventory screen, however, we’re assuming these zombie slayers are choking the foliage down like tossed salad.
Probably Tastes Like: Basil
Meat (Final Fight)
We never paid too much attention to the plot of Final Fight, but we imagine all the barrel-chested ruffians are beating each other senseless to compensate for their plummeting testosterone, caused by infectious meat intolerance disease. How else would so many delicious, fully garnished roasts end up in the trash cans of Metro City? One dumpster-diving Metro City Thanksgiving could feed all the poor folks on the streets, which would help with the hunger…and possibly rage.
Probably Tastes Like: Rancid, Cigarette Butt-Flavored Turkey
Mudokon (Abe’s Oddysey)
The entirety of Abe’s first journey involves escaping a factory dedicated to turning his race into tasty Mudokon Pops. Due to its unforgiving difficulty, players are forced to watch pounds upon pounds of raw Mudokon go to waste thanks to shredding machine gun rounds, deadly falls, and electrical accidents. Anybody who conquered the brutal PlayStation adventure has definitely earned the right to see what’s so great about Mudokon. Abe may look like an ugly b*****d, but that just makes us even more curious/hungry.
Probably Tastes Like: Jellified Pickle Juice[PageBreak]
Lon Lon Milk (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
Empty bottles are almost as hard to come by in Zelda games as the princess herself, so you need to be choosy about what you store in them. When health potions aren’t available (which probably taste like tomato juice and fish oil), why not lug around some of Lon Lon Ranch’s famous cow juice? While Link can eventually coax the dairy drink out of any cow by simply playing his magic pocket flute, the hero has to earn the right by collecting a bunch of chickens. It might sound like a lot of busywork for some milk, but the stuff is apparently so good that Link only ever drinks half and saves the tasty remainder for later. That, or it’s so terrible he can’t stomach more than a gulp at a time. Either way, we wanna find out.
Probably Tastes Like: Light Sour Cream
We already know what it’s like to eat cherries, pears, and pretzels. We can also assume that the invulnerability-granting power pellet tastes like a mouth-melting star. But who the hell has ever thought of eating a ghost? Everybody knows you can’t just walk up to a ghost and say, “Stop being deadly, I want to eat you.” Nope, you need to scare the bejeesus out of these spectral morsels by proving your beastliness and eating a glowing ball of energy. Only then can you devour their quivering, blue, ectoplasmic selves. We assume the texture is something similar to slimy tofu, but the real question is what happens when the power pellet wears off when the spirit is halfway through your small intestine? Total protonic reversal?
Probably Tastes Like: Regret With A Side Of Beyond The Gravy
Flan (Final Fantasy)
Jellies, Puddings, Meringue. Whatever you call them, everybody remembers the first time they encountered these magic-absorbing desserts without a spellcaster in their party. Why did we spend so much time chipping away at these gelatinous jerks with our letter openers? We should have sheathed our weapons and gone in teeth first. The only thing that could make conquering these custardy confections difficult is a full stomach.
Probably Tastes Like: Revenge
Rice Cake (Alex Kidd in Miracle World)
Sega’s former mascot works hard punching falcons in the face and murdering octopi to reach the end of each stage. His reward? A rice cake the size of his head that never depletes no matter how many adorably joyful bites his takes. Seriously, this infinite supply of carbohydrates makes Galadriel’s Lembas bread look like a bag of airline peanuts. I don’t think anything in life could ever make us as happy as that gob of rice is making Alex. If he only knew what the future had in store for him…
Probably Tastes Like: A Big Rice Cake
Sinner’s Sandwich (Deadly Premonition)
Agent York was getting ready to enjoy a delicious turkey and gravy sandwich when a shady character orders up something called the Sinner’s Sandwich. This dubious delight is a turkey, strawberry jam, and cereal sandwich. After some deliberation, the FBI agent tries it out for himself. Hilariously, York falls in love with the treat. Just like bacon and chocolate or bananas and cheese, this one is so strange that we can’t help but wonder what it tastes like. Be sure to wash it down with some coffee.
Probably Tastes Like: Crunchy, Salty, Sweet