Five Handheld Games To Help You Survive Black Friday

by Adam Biessener on Nov 26, 2010 at 06:43 AM

Lines start forming in the dead of night for sales on everything from laundry machines to video games when the celestial retail forces align in their annual super-conjunction on Black Friday. Fortunately, we as gamers have the power of handheld systems to overcome the boredom that deadens the eyes of traditional bargain-hounds. Here is the ammunition you need to load into your handheld for five common Black Friday situations.

Unbelievably cheap washer/dryer sets! One day only!

What fresh hell is this? You're surrounded by the demons and devils that haunt this blasted realm: the middle-aged mother of three whose kind nature is corrupted into grasping avarice by the idea of a front-loading dryer for $100, the soulless husk of a single man beaten into submission by the incessant advertising, the bitter young couple who angrily insist that they aren't paid enough to afford basic appliances.

The Sears parking lot at 3am is a terrible place that saps the strongest wills. Let this be your shield:

Feed off of the negativity around you and channel its deadly power into the Vampire Killer. Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles is brutally difficult at points as only old-school 2D action games can be, but you can revel in the fact that no matter how many times a medusa head knocks you into insta-death spikes, you won't be the most frustrated person in the room. That would be the guy behind you, who didn't charge his phone and can't even retreat to crappy free Sudoku puzzles.

Next up: How to conquer a 2am wake-up time, and not turn into a zombie!

Caffeine:murder::vaccine:influenza

It's 6am and the coffee shops have finally opened up. The thermos you brewed this morning didn't make it past Richter's battle with the minotaur. But before your next injection of sweet chemical stimulus, you have another epic encounter to overcome: the line going out the door. Sigh. In the meantime, stay awake with this:

WarioWare will accommodate you no matter how short your sleep-deprived attention span gets. Considering the state everyone else is in, this may be the only thing preventing you from falling asleep on your feet and starting a domino chain of sleepy shoppers.

It's a must-have for every kid! Why? Because we said so!

Fueled for further retail exploits, you make your way to the mall. Your nephew is going to be insufferable at Christmas if he doesn't get whatever toy he's been programmed to want by the incessant advertising during his after-school cartoons, but you can't remember what the hell it is for the life of you. Fortunately, eight-year-olds all like the same thing since they all watch the same shows (which obviously aren't half as totally rad as the Ninja Turtles or DuckTales) and have the same advertising seared into their spongy minds. Just follow the crowd. To keep your mind from turning to mush by association, plug this bad boy into your DS:

Picross 3D is one of the best pure puzzle experiences out there. The excellently planned difficulty curve should keep your brain spinning no matter how insipid the retail rituals you're shanghaied into performing are.

Next up: Avoid punching kids, and beat the food coma!

Nintendo Wii only $49! Supplies are limited!

You've done the impossible. You've found a place that sucks more to share with dozens of children than an aircraft stuck on the runway in a Denver snowstorm. It's the strip mall, and your local electronics retailer is selling off its stock of Wiis for dirt cheap at 2pm. What's worse, the latte-slurping parents seem to all have been struck by a brilliant inspiration to hit up Cinnabon with their kids beforehand. The prospect of taking a new video game system is not calming the already-vibrating children. Fortunately, you have Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2: March of the Minis.

At least the minis do what they're told, rather than planting their sugar-sticky hands on every available surface and sneezing on you. Seriously, kid. Cover your mouth!

All you can eat, only $5.99! Don't ask why!

Despite your best efforts, the Black Friday experience has left you drained and defenseless. The lure of a $5.99 buffet has wormed its way into your starved psyche, and you find yourself at the last place you expected to be this morning: Old Country Buffet. The joint is slammin' with retail victims like yourself in addition to its usual patrons. The apathetic staff can barely keep up with the demand for canned mandarin oranges and MSG-slathered ambiguous rice pilaf. Avert your impending food coma with this:

You may be asking yourself why anyone would ever suggest that you play this bizarro-world reflection of Guitar Hero, but it has two benefits in this situation. First, the pain in your cramping hand will keep you from falling fully into the food coma. Second, you'll stop getting weird looks from the staff and regulars when you exhibit the kind of eccentricity that they expect out of Old Country Buffet guests. Man, who goes there anyway?