The lights are on
work in the video game industry, a lot of people ask you for recommendations on what video games to play. I've pointed apprehensive relatives toward kid-friendly
titles, faked my way through baseball sim conversations with sports fans, and suggested
more than a few co-op titles for gaming couples. It's always nice to lend a
helping hand, but sometimes I crave more of a challenge.
That's why occasionally
I like coming up with fantasy recommendations -- games I would suggest to
historical figures or fictional characters. For example, what game would I give
Abraham Lincoln? Easy: Professor Layton, because he wears a top hat, and I think
Lincoln would enjoy the puzzles.
shameless effort to get hits however, I'm going to forgo my picks for other dead
presidents for something that's guaranteed to be popular: the characters of Twilight. And I'm not going to let my ignorance
on the subject stop me. Let's start with the female character.
Edward Cullen:From what I
understand, Edward is a vampire that sparkles when he's in the sunlight. He's
also over 100 years old when he starts dating a 17-year-old high school girl. That makes him a pervert in my book and possibly a pedophile, depending on the
laws in Washington state. With this in mind, I'd recommend Tecmo's DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball. He'd have
a whole cast of young women to ogle and not have sex with, and you can even apply unlimited
suntan lotion to the girls before heading out into the sun, which is something
I think any vampire would appreciate.
Good news, Edward: Kasumi is underage too!
DOA's carefree jiggling might be too much excitement for our abstinence-minded
friend, so I figured I better have a backup. In that case, I'd recommend Mister Mosquito, because the game's
protagonist likes to suck blood (I refuse to recommend a game with actual vampires
in it because real vampires don't sparkle).
This is the closest to a naked lady Edward is ever going to get
Now that I think about it, Mister Mosquito also annoys the crap out of people, so I'm pretty sure it's a character Edward would be able to relate to. That makes this title a sure bet. You can get more info on Mister Mosquito from our recent Replay.
Jacob Black:All I know
about this character is that he's a werewolf, yet he has absolutely no chest
hair whenever he takes his shirt off (which is apparently ALL THE TIME). He
also likes Bella, the girl who can't get that vampire to bite her. Therefore I'm
going to label him a jock with questionable taste and recommend Backbreaker. Like Jacob's future,
Backbreaker is full of disappointments.
I'm taking a big leap in assuming that a guy in love with such a lethargic-looking teen could
also like sports. But I think I've got another surefire winner for my backup
pick. Jacob can turn into a wolf, so I'm pretty sure he'd like Dead to Rights: Retribution, which lets
you play as a thug-mauling Alaskan malamute named Shadow.
Shadow sure likes biting guys in the crotch. As for Jacob, the jury is still out
Then again, the fact that Shadow plays second fiddle to his human master might offend Jacob. But I'm guessing the ability to finally pee on generators without getting electrocuted in real life will win him over.
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.
Hey, these actually fit the characters all well! xD
This is the greatest read I've read all day. MORE!
oh man, funny, funny stuff. i've never read the books but i've suffered through two of the movies with my wife who loves them, so i think this is right on
I've seen all three movies with my mom, and they weren't that bad, really.
I'd be curious to Jacob's reaction to the Brecillian forest part of Dragon Age.
good picks:) hmmm how bout the other characters?? hmm Karlyle(i think thats how u spell his name) can play trauma team:) well hes a doctor in the books and he did fix jacobs crushed ribs in Eclipse so this should be easy for him.....and
for Alice, since she can look into the future maybe she would like a change of pace and rewind time with the prince in the original prince of persia games....hmmm is this right??
That just made my summer :D
Ha! "Shooting self in head". I'm with you there.
I'd bet on these clowns not even liking video games, since it might alleviate some of the depression of their troubled, dismal existence. And they wouldn't want that.
This was a must-share :D
Jeff, I love that you couldn't even read the Wikipedia entry on one of these characters. Respect +10
This was just perfect...so perfect that I sent the link to my Twilight obsessed friend. She then proceeded to send me angry text messages about my limbs making friends with her father's machete and block me momentarily on facebook.
Seriously...twilight fans are RABID!
One of the best things I've ever read on this site. Screw Twilight!
You're a genius man
You to GI? How much more Twilight marketing BS to I have to take.
also, the grandpa is shorter than the youngest girl. just saying.
"and the player spends most of the game shooting themselves in the head, which is my instinctual reaction to Twilight" Lol, can't disagree on that :P
These all fit [pretty much [perfectly, and are pretty hilarious. Does that sparkle with you?