The lights are on
work in the video game industry, a lot of people ask you for recommendations on what video games to play. I've pointed apprehensive relatives toward kid-friendly
titles, faked my way through baseball sim conversations with sports fans, and suggested
more than a few co-op titles for gaming couples. It's always nice to lend a
helping hand, but sometimes I crave more of a challenge.
That's why occasionally
I like coming up with fantasy recommendations -- games I would suggest to
historical figures or fictional characters. For example, what game would I give
Abraham Lincoln? Easy: Professor Layton, because he wears a top hat, and I think
Lincoln would enjoy the puzzles.
shameless effort to get hits however, I'm going to forgo my picks for other dead
presidents for something that's guaranteed to be popular: the characters of Twilight. And I'm not going to let my ignorance
on the subject stop me. Let's start with the female character.
Edward Cullen:From what I
understand, Edward is a vampire that sparkles when he's in the sunlight. He's
also over 100 years old when he starts dating a 17-year-old high school girl. That makes him a pervert in my book and possibly a pedophile, depending on the
laws in Washington state. With this in mind, I'd recommend Tecmo's DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball. He'd have
a whole cast of young women to ogle and not have sex with, and you can even apply unlimited
suntan lotion to the girls before heading out into the sun, which is something
I think any vampire would appreciate.
Good news, Edward: Kasumi is underage too!
DOA's carefree jiggling might be too much excitement for our abstinence-minded
friend, so I figured I better have a backup. In that case, I'd recommend Mister Mosquito, because the game's
protagonist likes to suck blood (I refuse to recommend a game with actual vampires
in it because real vampires don't sparkle).
This is the closest to a naked lady Edward is ever going to get
Now that I think about it, Mister Mosquito also annoys the crap out of people, so I'm pretty sure it's a character Edward would be able to relate to. That makes this title a sure bet. You can get more info on Mister Mosquito from our recent Replay.
Jacob Black:All I know
about this character is that he's a werewolf, yet he has absolutely no chest
hair whenever he takes his shirt off (which is apparently ALL THE TIME). He
also likes Bella, the girl who can't get that vampire to bite her. Therefore I'm
going to label him a jock with questionable taste and recommend Backbreaker. Like Jacob's future,
Backbreaker is full of disappointments.
I'm taking a big leap in assuming that a guy in love with such a lethargic-looking teen could
also like sports. But I think I've got another surefire winner for my backup
pick. Jacob can turn into a wolf, so I'm pretty sure he'd like Dead to Rights: Retribution, which lets
you play as a thug-mauling Alaskan malamute named Shadow.
Shadow sure likes biting guys in the crotch. As for Jacob, the jury is still out
Then again, the fact that Shadow plays second fiddle to his human master might offend Jacob. But I'm guessing the ability to finally pee on generators without getting electrocuted in real life will win him over.
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.