The lights are on
Last week, we ran a news story about Charles Martinet (voice of Mario) and his desire to see a game starring Waluigi. Despite the purple plumber's inescapable charm and wealth of star power (suitable for numerous franchises), many of you voiced your disapproval.
While Waluigi seems to be a polarizing choice for a lead protagonist role, there are others throughout gaming history that would be undoubtedly worse. Here's our list of the characters that should never receive top billing with their own title.
Johnny Sasaki (Metal Gear Solid series)
You may not recognize the name, but you've at least seen (or sometimes heard) this notorious character if you've ever played a Metal Gear Solid game. In the first game, he was the guard with bowel issues who was constantly running to the bathroom. In Sons of Liberty, you'd hear his intestinal distress if you pointed a directional mic at the men's room. While he received significantly more face time in MGS4, he still had a nasty habit of crapping his pants all the *** time. A Sasaki-centric game would more than likely involve missions that rotated between collecting copious amounts of Kaopectate from the local CVS and buying pairs of dark pants.
Jason or Shaun (Heavy Rain)
You’ve played through Quantic Dreams’ tear-jerking melodrama, but how
would you like to see the story from a whole new perspective? Players
start by choosing which Mars boy they’d like to play, each with his own
strengths and weaknesses. Shaun is great with a sword, but water and
pronunciation tend to trip him up. Jason is the faster of the two and
has a unique camouflage ability, but his limited health makes him a
better choice for expert players. However you decide, you’ve got a great
adventure ahead of you that’s fun for most of the whole family!
Here's the thing...no one really knows what the hell Toadsworth does. He first appeared as Princess Peach's steward of sorts in Super Mario Sunshine, but later appearances have only added to the confusion. In Mario Power Tennis, he's suddenly an umpire. In Mario Party 7, he's the master of ceremonies. We're not sure what his official duties are in the Mushroom Kingdom, but we know enough to know he shouldn't have his own game. Elderly humans spend most of their time complaining about technology, eating fiber, and watching Jay Leno. We can't imagine elderly fungi being that much more interesting.
Any Woman in God of War
The fairer sex hasn't had the greatest treatment during Sony's epic trilogy. If you played as any female character from the entire series, odds are you'd be spending your time getting crushed or killed by Kratos, or getting up close and personal with his chalky manhood as he QTE's the holy hell out of you.
Merchant (Resident Evil 4)
“What are you buying?” In Capcom’s shopkeeping sim, you can
answer that question any way you see fit. As Resident Evil 4’s Merchant,
it’s up to you to maintain inventories and research new technology.
Work your way from lowly revolvers all the way up to the lucrative
Broken Butterfly item. Don’t dawdle too much in the lab, though. If a
customer lights one of your blue torches and you aren’t there in time,
you’ll lose a customer in more ways than one.
Stryker (Mortal Kombat series)
There's nothing wrong with a well-made cop game, but we're pretty sure that any involving Stryker as the main protagonist would be absolute crap. You see, most cop games take place in real-world environments, featuring the player taking on criminals and assorted gangsters. Guns, batons, and tasers may dispatch those hooligans with ease, but just try taking that limited arsenal up against sorcerers, elder gods, and dudes that will straight-up eat your head.
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