eneral Pepper,

The main reason why I’m e-mailing you is because I’m thinking about quitting the Star Fox team.  I don’t know what I did to upset you, and our cause, but ever since you decided to kick me out of my Arwing, my life has been getting worse and worse.  I thought after we chatted after my last adventure where I was hitting things with a stick, and collecting bofomDads, and other ridiculously named items like that, that my place is in the Arwing.  But time and time again, you make me get out of where I excel.  The Arwing.

I’m not exactly sure what I did wrong in my earlier years, but this is getting a little ridiculous.  Since my missions of 64 you’ve thought that I’ve been more important in a Landmaster Tank, or on foot.  I thought it was understood that I was filling in for Quacky in the 64 battles because he had to do jury duty that week, and that’s why you temporarily had me cruising around in the Landmaster.  Sure, it was fun for those brief moments, and I did exceptionally well because I’ve got mad skills, but now the engineers seemed to have messed around with the Landmaster controls to make it even more difficult to drive.  Since I already told them that I wanted to control my line-of-sight with the C-stick in the outset of this war, I have no opportunity to change how the Landmaster controls once I get into these missions.  I’m banging into stuff constantly, and if I had some help from engineering, it would make me an even better adversary. 

Now I’ve got Slippy and Krystal taking to the Arwings and you telling me I have to go at it on foot?  You even tease me and call these on-foot missions Pilot Mode.  It’s really not funny.  These vitamin supplements you’ve given me to help speed up my fighting are scaring me a little bit and are giving me the shakes.  It makes me zip around as if I was on rollerblades.  The radar is handy in giving me a general direction of where the Aparoids are that I must destroy, as well as where the Landmaster is parked, and what my next objective is.  I would also benefit with some guidance if what I’m tracking is on a floor above or below me, because now I’m getting lost a lot.  Also, I’m not too sure about this holster you gave me.  Sure, I’ve got a lot of kick ass weapons on me like the sweet sniper rifle, blaster, grenades, and other armaments but getting to these separate weapons in a pinch isn’t easy.  I could be in and out of these buildings a lot quicker, and I wouldn’t fail so many missions if my equipment weren’t so wonky.  It’s like you want me to fail or something.  Overall, the on foot missions are tighter than they used to be, but they aren’t all that fun for an Arwing pilot.

I don’t understand why you keep letting Slippy into an Arwing and not me.  You retired Peppy into a management role, but kept Slippy on the team.  I’ve come to the conclusion that you hate me.  I’m not sure if you and I are in the same war or not, but literally two seconds after we’re out of the hanger that poor bastard has enemies shooting and tailing him.  I know we’re supposed to be real nice to him because his father is helping us in this war, but you can’t tell me that he doesn’t bug the crap out of you, too.  I am all about being a team player and helping Falco and Krystal out, but Slippy is terrible.  Slippy makes that Jar Jar Binks fellow look like Conan O’ Brien.  And really, how old is he?  He acts like he’s four.  Maybe in toad years that’s old enough, but he’s got to go.  I’ve shot him down repeatedly, but he keeps coming back.  It’s not fair.

As you can see by my gold medals, I’m an awesome Arwing pilot.  I’ve slaughtered Andross more than once, and these new Aparoids are a piece of cake, no matter how difficult you make this war for me.  Whatever you bring to the table, whether it’s streams of fighters, mini-bosses, or my personal favorite the epic boss battles, I’m loving life when I’m in my Arwing.  Unfortunately, when I actually am allowed to fly, it’s not all that long.  The flying missions seem to last about a quarter of the time of what the Landmaster and on-foot missions do.  One other thing I am confused about with our new enemies is they’re not all that creative when it comes to the bosses.  Didn’t we see some of these before?  Maybe that’s why this isn’t all that difficult. 

It’s great that you let us go at it against each other in the simulator, because, at least then, I have a choice to get out of the Arwing if I so choose.  It’s fun to battle it out with Falco and Krystal as we team up on Slippy and make him pay for his mindless banter and idiotic behavior.  Plus, getting the chance to fight my friends in arenas much like what we do in the normal missions is also pretty neat.

I’ve also heard rumors that if we finish this war successfully and receive medals on all of the levels you’ll let us play Xevious, which since I’m an old dog, I’m excited about.  I just don’t know that under these conditions if I’ll last that long.  I want to, but if you keep me out of my Arwing any longer I may just let the Landmaster run me over, and put me out of my misery.

I don’t mean to come off whining like Slippy, but I don’t believe that you are allowing me to reach my full potential.  I am an Arwing pilot, and most likely the best Arwing pilot in the Lylat System.  Unless you keep me where I’m supposed to be – in the Arwing, I’ll have to resign from my position, and force you to take the Fox out of the Star Fox Team moniker.  I mean, it’s only fair, the team has excelled in the past because of my flying skills, right?

Sincerely,

Fox McCloud

PS.  If I do quit, Krystal is coming with me.  You ain’t keeping that lil’ blue hottie away from me, either.