he alethiometer (also known as the Golden Compass) is a truth-telling apparatus. This device’s perplexing design usually requires years of trial and error before a person can learn how to use it properly. Even if you held this mystical gadget in your hands for the first time, and asked it “Is The Golden Compass game worth playing?”, its hands would spin vigorously, then one would stop on an icon of a skull, the second would land on a dagger, and the third would highlight a new icon that materializes from the ether showing a picture of a grave that reads “Here rests a fool who played bad games.”

The Golden Compass is the perfect example of a developer being handcuffed by the property. Without being able to expand the fiction, there isn’t enough here for a legitimate game, but Shiny Entertainment did its best to try and add gameplay where there really shouldn’t be any. For example, when young Lyra converses with people, she cannot respond without first completing a series of atrocious minigames. She also exhibits the coordination of a young Forrest Gump. Not only does she butcher the art of platforming with her poor jumping skills, she struggles to play a simple game of tag.

Knowing full well that every second that Lyra is on screen inflicts unthinkable pain on the gamer, Shiny opted to start the game with a sequence that shouldn’t be seen until the end of the story. As cool as it is to see Iorek Byrnison (a battle-hardened talking bear) make quick work of a pack of wolves, these sequences are dreadfully boring and completely void of any form of challenge.

If you were hoping to be swept up in the narrative, this game also ignores critical plot points from Philip Pullman’s brilliant story, leaving much guesswork to the gamer. It pains me to say this, but turn off your TV and just read the book or head to your local theater. This is a story everyone must experience, just don’t try interacting with it.