omancing SaGa is the saddest Cinderella story of the year. Once released in 1992 on the Japanese-only Super Famicom system, this RPG recently got a makeover with updated graphics, expanded quests, and new characters. Unfortunately, it has shown up to the proverbial ball about five years too late, sporting ridiculously outdated fashions and an ugly, ugly face. I haven’t felt this sorry for a game in a long time.

The eight protagonists look and act like soulless husks of human beings, and no matter which one you select at the outset, the plot unfolds with all the grace and excitement of the Brick Olympics. The game’s "non-linear storyline" simply means that you are given no direction whatsoever, and then become so bored with your artless and uninspired surroundings that you just want to quit. If you don’t, you are treated to boring and frequent battles, bland environments, and laughably generic quests.

Romancing SaGa is barely even a game. For each minute you can play it without knifing your own kneecaps, award yourself a point. If you get to three points, just put down the controller. You win.