f Ubisoft execs were smart, they would have left Driver’s bludgeoned remains in the abandoned lot where they found it. The company must have a big heart, because resuscitating this maligned franchise isn’t going to yield much more than good will from former owner Atari.

We’re all familiar with the formula by now: Take the Grand Theft Auto concept, drain the game of any innovation, and release what amounts to a repetitive string of boring street races, car chases, and getaways. No amount of funk or retro style can make this game play better, though Ubisoft certainly tried.

Driver ’76 does its best to create a facsimile of 1970s New York City, including four of the five boroughs and a section of dirty Jersey. While the game may feature the notable architecture of Gotham, it captures none of the city’s spirit; the streets are so barren it looks like the American version of 28 Days Later.

If the boring gameplay and empty city don’t make you flee, the awful plot and wincingly bad dialogue may provide the final straw to join the missing NYC populace in the Hamptons. The game moves its plot along with comic book style cutscenes, but even in this hokey context your character’s primary motivation (score a date with the Triad boss’ daughter) doesn’t really seem worth all the murders, car boosts, or gang wars you have to suffer through to reach your goal. To top it off, the clichéd dialogue takes jokes that weren’t funny in the ‘70s and turns the dial to 11. How many times do we have to hear bad cop and donut bits in one game?

Speaking of the boys in blue, Driver ’76 is home to the most incompetent police force to ever grace a video game. If the heat is on your tail, you don’t need to be a professional criminal to shake them. I lost the squad cars on several occasions by simply driving to my mission destination. When that didn’t work, I relied on the foolproof technique of pulling over, waiting until the cops got out of their cars, then driving away. These cops make Ronnie Dobbs seem like a criminal mastermind.  

The best feature of Driver ’76 is definitely the retro soundtrack, featuring ‘70s musicians such as Funkadelic, Marvin Gaye, David Bowie, and Blonde. Also to its credit, Driver ‘76’s driving and shooting mechanics work well, however recycled and sterile the content may be.

Gamers who can’t get enough of this genre may find a few hours of fun, but for the rest of us, we’re better off skipping the ‘70s altogether.