f you’re a super-secret government operative in the middle of a futuristic firefight, you have to be prepared for anything. Stand Alone Complex conveys this feeling perfectly: If you clear out a room, you have to be prepared for newer, stupider enemies to materialize right behind you. You have to prepare for your own inability to accurately line up a shot, and be ready to turn the game off in frustration at moment’s notice. It’s a tough, thankless job.

The strange thing is that while the gameplay is appalling, there are a few good ideas that just wound up being pointless. The ability to play as different Section 9 operatives is nice, but they’re all equally bland. You’ll often have a customizable Tachikoma partner by your side, but instead of decent buddy AI, they pretty much just get into trouble and steal your kills. The story is filled with all of the inscrutable political twists and turns worthy of the TV show (most of which play out in overlong events between chapters), but the catch is that you actually have to play the game to see them. Even the multiplayer, which could have been cool, is an utter waste of time.

There is a choking abundance of shoddy anime-related video games that feed on franchise devotees’ ability to forgive grievous errors so long as their favorite pointy-haired heroes appear. Unfortunately, the only thing Stand Alone Complex fans will notice staying true to the series is their own pure, boiling rage at the incessant prattling of those damn Tachikomas. I want to strangle this game with my bare hands.